Can anyone tell me why I'm so ashamed of being sent to a day program that ...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MotownJohnny, Jan 8, 2014.

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  1. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    ... I think I need to kill myself. I'm trying to work this out, I don't want to die, I want to have this incredible life full of accomplishment and happiness.

    But, I ended up spending 14 days in a psych day hospital program in Sept 2012, and ever since then, it has made me so ashamed of myself I want to die. And, so afraid that I will not have control of my own life and destiny, that I will end up at the mercy of someone else, who I may or may not trust or like.

    I have been thinking about suicide a LOT lately, in great detail, the how, when, where, etc. Which is a big red flag for me.

    I really am trying NOT to go down that road -- it's the ultimate stupidity -- being so afraid of a psych history that I become suicidal, thereby guaranteeing that my "one time fluke" as I thought of it becomes a repeat event.

    Can anyone please help me understand this -- what is there to be so ashamed about??? -- it's not like I killed someone, raped someone, molested a child -- I had a bad triggering event, threatened death in the workplace, which compounded a history of severe abuse and brought me into a full-fledged PTSD crisis. Even then, I was only marginally a "danger to self" and I have never harmed another person, or ever wanted to. I will put my morality, my character, and my integrity up against anyone's.

    I don't mean to sound ... whiny, lame, making excuses, but I was the victim in all of this, literally. I didn't do anything wrong.

    So, why do I hate myself so much I want to kill myself, over something that wasn't my fault????
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have an illness deprssion and it makes your thoughts all distorted so you need help to untangle all those thoughts. INpatient program did it not help if not maybe one on one therapy is best for you but there is no one blaming you but you hun. If you need more help then reach out to someone YOU do trust to help you ok
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    honsetly, there is no shame in it... you feel the shame and embarassment b/c of the stigma society in general puts on it, and b/c of that stigma anyone that gets psych help has to fight hard within themselves and continually tell themselves they are doing nothing more than what everyone else does... trying to better themselves and get help doing so (like others do whenever they go to the hospital for a sickness or broken bone), there is no shame in receiving help with anything when you need to ... therefore, there is no shame in going to a psych doc, therapist, or psych hosp, or daycamp, or residential care or any of it... i would suspect you have given up reminding yourself of those things, and would strongly advise you go back to doing so, b/c if you don't, all that will happen is you will give up on seeking out help, and in so doing, will end up giving up on yourself..... how is that beneficial to you at all? you need to be your own best advocate, like i tell everyone, when it comes down to it, in the end, you are the only person you can rely on 100% of the time to be there for you.... nothing wrong in seeking out help, but always be prepared to hear the words "i cannot help you" or "go away" ... and be there for yourself, to give yourself the encouragement to keep seeking out help from others...
  4. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean - it seems so hard to say that you're struggling and you need help. Sometimes I imagine letting it all out to someone, but I've hardly even said the 'D' (depression) word to anyone, nevermind the 'S' word. Part of it is not wanting to burden them and like DemureDawn says, at the end of the day you only have have yourself to rely on and only you can make the effort to get yourself out of a hole - tha's pretty scary really.

    If I find a way out of this shit-spiral. I'll let you know...
  5. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    You know what you want in life and that is a wonderful thing, so stick with that vision through all this.

    Everyone is learning and it is that continuous learning and ability to make ongoing corrections to your thoughts and actions that is what definitely does put your own life and destiny in your own hands.

    You can still gradually change your thoughts away from that and more and more back toward the future you know you deserve deep down.

    Keep looking for answers, adjusting, learning, trying new mental attitudes towards everything... and you will definitely eventually find a way to move toward what you want.

    Everything you have been through is completely understandable and ok based on the thoughts and knowledge you have had so far. As you continue to learn and grow your ability to manage your mind and life will improve... it is inevitable.

    Its good that you see yourself as the empowered one in this situation. From what I am reading you are very smart and have allot of inner vision. That is wonderful, just acknowledge what happened and move on to what you want to do now.

    You will learn to love yourself more as you continue to seek answers and further your understanding of yourself and life. Hit the self help section of the book store or Google search and start reading about all the positive practices that you can try out to continue your personal development.

    I can tell that you can do this. Just put in a bit of effort each day and you will go far. I think you will surprise yourself and look back at this as a major turning point in your life towards great things.
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