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Can depression be a terminal illness?

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I've battled depression since I was a child and been on medication and in therapy much of that time. My family was emotionally abusive and neglectful. I've not spoken to any of them in years. I've lost my best friend in the last month. He's the only person, the ONLY person, I've ever loved and felt loved by and we can no longer be in each others lives because I'm totally in love with him and he is gay. It's been the single most devastating thing of my life. On my therapist's suggestion that I open up and try to trust my friends with my feelings, I took a chance and told my only other good friend that I was having a hard time and was suicidal, something I've never before shared with anyone, and she was angry, made all these ridiculous suggestions to improve my life, and thought I was making it up to just get attention. I'm profoundly lonely and grieving. In almost every way, I just want to be free of this life. Almost... I have a problem. I have five little dogs who are my heart (the youngest two are only four years old and will likely live another ten years minimum). I am meeting with an attorney to set up a pet trust to provide for them and I have someone who loves and will care for them in the event that I'm gone. I just can't imagine leaving them. I can't even imagine how I will survive losing one of them. In my darkest hours, they are the only thing that keeps me anchored. I almost resent loving them so much because it keeps me stuck. They bring me the only measure of joy, warmth, and love that I've ever known and trust and I can't betray them. I know they would be loved and taken care of, but they wouldn't understand. I've made a commitment to care for them. Three of them are rescues and another home would be traumatic and the oldest two in particular are so attached to me. I just don't if I can survive this. I've never felt so trapped. I started getting dogs to fulfill that need to love and care for something and to feel that in return. Unfortunately, my pain is becoming unbearable. What can I do?


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Are you still taking medication and having therapy? You need to speak with your doctors and say look this is not working, I still feel shit in fact I am probably at my lowest. They may decide to take a different approach in that sense. Do you have a job, univeristy etc? Do you have a structure to your day or are you just sitting at home with nothing to do??? That can be a problem and you can perhaps try to make your own schedulw to give you a sense of purpose. Like make sure you are up at a certain time, ready and showered by another, feed your dogs and yourself, take dogs for a walk, then an acrivity you enjoy which could be reading a book, going swimming etc.

And you know I am so glad you have your dogs to give you joy, we often find pleasure in the smallest things.
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