It seems as though things are deterioating faster than I anticipated. I have been having thoughts again about killing myself. I don't know why. I think being low for periods of time does this to me. OK, so it's only been a few weeks but I think sometimes it gets too much for me. I think one of the reasons I am feeling so frustrated is I don't know why things are going the way they are. I have not made any plans to, but it is now my "if such and such doesn't happen/work out/or get better well I can always..." if you know what I mean. It's my back up plan if that makes sense. I wish I knew what was causing these feelings as then at least I could do something about it. I am getting scared about getting to the not caring stage. This is so frustrating!