Can hell be any worse? My death wish never ends.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jimwood777, Apr 3, 2015.

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  1. jimwood777

    jimwood777 New Member

    I am a 50-year-old disabled former engineer who has nobody to talk to or confide in. I have been severely mentally-ill all my life, and am regressing as I get older. I have an ostomy bag because of bladder cancer, the family I came from took advantage of me through a conservatorship, no lawyer will take the case. I have no friends and no one to talk to except the suicide hotline several times every day. I have deep depression with severe obsessive compulsive disorder, never sleep, fixate 24/7 on severe emasculation I suffered decades ago. I have had a number of drug overdoses many times that never killed me. I should have let the badder cancer kill me, hopefully it will return. The only thing I love is my ex-wife and step daughter who want nothing to do with me. Any help would be appreciated. It is scary when you have no one, I considered <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, truthfully, I don't think my life is worth salvaging. Let me know what you think. JDW
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2015
  2. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Hi there, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. You asked, let me know what you think, and my answer is, it sounds like you really need some contact with people. I wish there was a way for you to seek out services or support groups in your area. Often 12 step programs can be very welcoming, no matter what the situation, no questions asked. You can be as anonymous as you like. They even exist for OCD - in person and phone meetings. I hope you can get relief for the sleep situation too. Being sleep deprived can distort everything and make a tough situation seem impossible. I don't know if there are meditation groups or if meditating at home would be of interest. When things seem utterly overwhelming, the place to start is tiny windows of relief. I hope you will take courage, post more and try to reach out in your neighborhood. Or even go to a coffee shop/library to be out in the world if making contact is too much. Small steps.

  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF, jimwood777. Your situation sounds very grim and I'm glad you've found us. We will always lend a sympathetic ear and it sounds like you need friends right now. I've never had an ostomy bag, though know people who do, and know it is a struggle every day. Having to cope with depression on top of it all must indeed make life even more difficult than it has to be already. Are you getting treatment for the mental illness and if not, can you get some? I don't mean daily talks with the hotlines, as helpful as they can be, but an actual therapist and medication treatment.

    You mention you don't sleep well and this is something else you should get treated as soon as possible. I have a terrible sleep disorder myself - will go days without sleep - and know first hand how much suffering this causes. It is a living death. The discomfort goes beyond word plus you can't always think straight. Please try to address this aspect of your illness, you will feel much better for it.

    I was very sad to read that your ex-wife ad step daughter are not there for you right now. i have family members I love to pieces who won't answer emails or phone calls and it really, really hurts. This could change as you get better. My ex husband and I fought like cats and dogs and have somehow ended up good friends so there is always hope.

    With everything going on, I understand your death wish but hope you will be able to find a reason to keep plugging on. I won't sugar coat things for you - they are rough, but i bet you have a lot to offer people , maybe even the benefit of your experience with depression here. You have obviously been through a lot and will understand when others are hurting.I bet you'll be able to offer a lot of comfort to people.

    Please be kind to yourself.
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