Can I ask for some advice?

[Axiom]

I'm not sure. I'm starting to notice something. Let me give you a little background atleast

I listen to music alot. Specifically some songs, and alot of them are aggressive with a progressive rythm to them through that aggression. Anyhow, I tend to open myself up(i know this is starting to sound retarded) to the music and I start to feel it and I can on some level flow to it. I then create scenarios that flow to the music inside, but create every ounce of that scenario as a part of me.

Over the last i dk 7 years? I guess just before I came here, I guess when I was on my own... fuck sorry to much information. I just do this. What happens is i split into two aspects, one that is weak and pathetic, the other that is.. idk not?, The stronger aspect beats me to the ground throws me about, breaks me until Im weakened.
At this point I fight back and withstand the attempts of my stronger side. I counteract it's advances without destroying it. I try to hold it and let it rage out then look it in the eyes... But yeah.

Ive been trying recently to not do this. Because .. of my own reasons. But Im doing it right now, and i feel more alert again. Earlier today I didnt get out of bed till like 4. I've just felt like shit. So i've turned this on, and I feel... alot more incontrol.

Is this a beginning stage of self harm. Because ... if it's a contrast I need to respond to.. there's other ways that are probably more productive than listening to music the way I do.

Idk. Kinda tired of not being able to talk normally with people or just be a normal person.

What do you think?


*edit*
Im going nuts I think. There's a part of me that wants to do things. Where it over reacts or doesnt care wtf anything or anyone else thinks or does or is. There are so many things that I want to just do, and that are pissing me off that I want to just respond to. But this other part of me... It just compromises or subdues the situation until its level.

I can't stand being like this when I see it. I dont even know if I am seeing this correctly right now. ... The more I realize shit about myself, the more I fucking want to just rip through myself and start again or atleast nullify the more dominate submissive aspects and re-inspire the progressive aspects. ... I am not what I am, Yet I am exactly what I am, a pos loser that does fuck all. And Im sure I can talk myself down and calm myself and rationalize it all to accept the situation and see the best parts of it from where Im at.

Im sick of this. Im sick of my passivness Dissolving what i want. IM SICk of being that. Yet when im not I just want to calm everything down because I lose control. Not happened in over a decade + but...
Idk. Maybe I should turn this song off. But ive no one to talk to.. well.. idk if i should be talking to anyone. idk... im really confused but im not. It's fuck ing annoying. I want but i dont. I do but i dont. Im a fucking contradiction in terms.

 

[ZombiePringle]

from what I got from that you are letting music control in a way? To be honest... Music defines my life. what I may be listening to is a direct reflection of how I'm feeling. Its at the point that my girlfriend knows how I'm feeling just by hearing what I am listening to.. honestly... music is a very influential thing as to who we are and how we go about our day. If its causing you to SH then I would suggest trying to avoid that kind of music and try to find something that you like but still doesn't cause you to hurt yourself.

 

[Axiom]

No I wouldnt say it's controlling me. I open just enough to flow to the music, and I can become it or be consumed by it, but im always in control. If im destroying my own will power inside but want to stop or change what im doing i can. Music's my tool, not the other way around. It's just...

Frustrating. And that's the beginning.... compounded with what's happening around me, I dont feel right, like im not in control, like the world controls me simply because I can't handle or deal with the world.

It's just taking me too long to snap out of this daze and music does it fine, but even that takes time. Im kinda sick of feeling comfortable being idle. .. idk.

 

[ZombiePringle]

oh.... sorry for misunderstanding. I will stick by it though... music is a very powerful tool. It can define who a person is.

 

[Axiom]

Yeah... subjective to the persons who created it though unfortunately. But yes very freeing in itself. It's just what it does for me. I don't think it's good, but I don't exactly have anything else that can make me feel like dying inside without actually physically hurting myself. Cause Id rather feel my own pain with the hope of feeling something good, then being stuck in this never ending numbess where i just flow in the wake of other people.

Idk... I suppose I answer my own questions.. which just makes me even more angry and disappointed.

*edit*
ug... now I just want to be free in my own head... I just want out of this shit. I just want whatever I treasured back, but it's not gone, it's just out of my reach. I want to dissolve and then reform. I want what makes no fucking sense. ...
oh great... So what I want makes no sense. So Im chasing ghosts, ficticious aspects of life. ... idk... Ever battle against the desires to watch things whither and die, and against the desires to watch everything grow and propsper? It's where I hide i guess, Between two aspects, fueling and opposing both. Probably because the truth in specific is... idk...


I don't think this is healthy, but neither is doing nothing. Jesus christ what's the lesser of two equally shit possibilities? Blind choice and commitment?...



Maybe I really am alone.... Maybe Im wasting my energy trying to incorporate other people. Careing about other people, caring about other things.. Maybe It's just a waste of my time...
Maybe... maybe not. I don't know. I shouldnt be playing with specifics on my own, Im surrounded by bullshit at the moment, that im drawing individual aspects and placing them as forever aspects. Blowing things out of proportions.
Funny thing is, I know I am not alone. But a part of me wants to be alone so badly, that I know it's screaming to not be alone. But 99% of people just wont get it. O fuck this thread. Donno how the fuck i got to this point. Just want to smash something now yet I slow that down to intensity of a feather flowing through the air. And there i am... altered and forgotten by myself. Because Im so fucking weak and useless, that just dreams... Though I dont.. Ive done enough. Which means I can do it again.. Im just sick of this numbness. Im sick that music brings me out, and that Im absolutly shit without it. Im sick that im a complete soloist that sucks at being a soloist. Im sick ... just being so slow.

.. im going to lose everything and everyone before i find myself arnt I if i keep this up..

 

[Axiom]

Ug nevermind. Thanks anyways Delusive-Sunshine x