I'm not sure. I'm starting to notice something. Let me give you a little background atleast I listen to music alot. Specifically some songs, and alot of them are aggressive with a progressive rythm to them through that aggression. Anyhow, I tend to open myself up(i know this is starting to sound retarded) to the music and I start to feel it and I can on some level flow to it. I then create scenarios that flow to the music inside, but create every ounce of that scenario as a part of me. Over the last i dk 7 years? I guess just before I came here, I guess when I was on my own... fuck sorry to much information. I just do this. What happens is i split into two aspects, one that is weak and pathetic, the other that is.. idk not?, The stronger aspect beats me to the ground throws me about, breaks me until Im weakened. At this point I fight back and withstand the attempts of my stronger side. I counteract it's advances without destroying it. I try to hold it and let it rage out then look it in the eyes... But yeah. Ive been trying recently to not do this. Because .. of my own reasons. But Im doing it right now, and i feel more alert again. Earlier today I didnt get out of bed till like 4. I've just felt like shit. So i've turned this on, and I feel... alot more incontrol. Is this a beginning stage of self harm. Because ... if it's a contrast I need to respond to.. there's other ways that are probably more productive than listening to music the way I do. Idk. Kinda tired of not being able to talk normally with people or just be a normal person. What do you think? *edit* Im going nuts I think. There's a part of me that wants to do things. Where it over reacts or doesnt care wtf anything or anyone else thinks or does or is. There are so many things that I want to just do, and that are pissing me off that I want to just respond to. But this other part of me... It just compromises or subdues the situation until its level. I can't stand being like this when I see it. I dont even know if I am seeing this correctly right now. ... The more I realize shit about myself, the more I fucking want to just rip through myself and start again or atleast nullify the more dominate submissive aspects and re-inspire the progressive aspects. ... I am not what I am, Yet I am exactly what I am, a pos loser that does fuck all. And Im sure I can talk myself down and calm myself and rationalize it all to accept the situation and see the best parts of it from where Im at. Im sick of this. Im sick of my passivness Dissolving what i want. IM SICk of being that. Yet when im not I just want to calm everything down because I lose control. Not happened in over a decade + but... Idk. Maybe I should turn this song off. But ive no one to talk to.. well.. idk if i should be talking to anyone. idk... im really confused but im not. It's fuck ing annoying. I want but i dont. I do but i dont. Im a fucking contradiction in terms.