Can I be honest without causing problems for myself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WannaEndit01, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    That's the big question. I am ready to do it. <mod edit - methods>

    But am I playing with myself or really ready to do it?

    I would say I am playing with myself. I have no intentions of doing it. Though I want to.

    Any insight is welcome.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2016
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    The fact that you are here and you are asking the question, then no, you are not ready to end your own life. I know what it takes and how to approach it, been there, done that yadda yadda, blah de blah, wont bore you with the details, and its a simple no. I cant honestly say more than that here because it is a PRO LIFE foum afterall. So give it up for now and try and sort out the problems you face.

    Suicide is not really the answer, but I fully understand why people reach the conclusion that it is the only answer. But getting the opinions of others and different perspectives can help you see there are other ways forwards.
     
    Petal likes this.
  3. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    FYI: I looked around for a "PRO SUICIDE" forum and could not find one, really. I wanted encouragement to do it. So I stopped here, it's all I could find. You think I am playing with myself -- so to speak - thanks for an honest reply. There are times I agree and other times I disagree. I see my original post was edited. I think I can say this -- if not, sorry I did not intentionally break the rules -- I've now practiced my suicide twice (suggested by directions). Did I practice to scare my self out of it? Or to make sure I did it correctly? I believe consciously I did it to get strength to do it for real -- but sub-consciously I did it to scare myself out of it.
     
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Is it justification you seek? I am not going to tell you its ok to kill yourself,, whereas a pro suicide forum would no doubt give you all the justification you need.

    Just how does one "practice" suicide? Nah, sorry fella, that just is not possible. You may have set everything up to get a feel for it [I read the original post before the edit] but you cant practice dying.

    I think, you are in a hole, you dont see a way out of that hole, so suicide seems a perfectly reasonable option right now. You have yet to look into all the possibilities that may or may not present themselves. You are catastrophising, which is perfectly natural in the given circumstances. But you are filled with doubts about everything right now and this is all to assist you in making a decision.
     
  5. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    "Is it justification you seek?" Maybe, I think more reassurance that I am doing the right thing. True you can't practice dying but you can practice the method -- it's encourage so you do it correctly. "assist an making a decision?" possibly. I have to go take a shower and try to get ready to go out. It is much harder then you may realize. I want to cancel out. I am truly terrified I will freak out during the outing. Thank you for you responses. bye.
     
  6. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    It is most certainly not much harder than I realize.

    I hope you enjoy your evening, it wont be anywhere near as bad as you think it will be, these things never are, its the illness talking.

    Take care, and please, stay safe out there and come back and talk to us some more at some point ok.
     
  7. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I am back from the cooking class/dinner I went to. Had time to reflect on your "Is it justification you seek." I still believe I am not looking for justification, rather I am looking for agreement of my position. And you are right, I won't find that here. I want someone to look at my position and say -- Yes your correct, taking your life is the best way forward. Justification no -- acknowledgement yes.
     
  8. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That is exactly what justification is, you want someone to justify that your decision to take your own life is right and just, hence the word justify. But lets not get bogged down in semantics. This is a pro life forum and we want to help and support you in your hour of need, not offer agreement to your solution of taking your own life, we simply cannot and will not do that.

    You ask the question and answer it yourself, you are playing a game with yourself, a very dangerous one at that. You are ill, you have a mental health illness. If you broke your leg, would you want to kill yourself? No, you would go and get it fixed. Mental health is just the same except you cannot see the injury, but its there all the same. So why not try and fix it before you do anything else and please, do not dare to tell me it cant be fixed, I have read that book and found it to be a lie.
     
  9. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Your right, justify works. I want to be told it's OK to take my own life. I also want to be told it's OK to go forward with the way things are. I ping pong back and forth. I lie down and dream about taking my own life to stop the pain. And, I realize if I don't snap out of it soon, people will start making decisions for me, so take your life or go forward. I can't let go of the pain. I try. I am on my 4th week of prozac and things are not looking good. So I then fantasies about my suicide. Then I say hey go post on the board and see if that helps. So I just did this post. Did it help. Somewhat.
     
  10. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I'm hoping it helped a bit. I have many, many issues I'm trying to resolve. I struggle every day but refuse to give up just yet. Please stay and try.
     
  11. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I am trying. to get my Sh?? together. As I type this.
     
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  12. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    That's wonderful!
     
  13. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    May have found something, that I don't think is a pipe dream. I really may have. I need to investigate further.
     
  14. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I do believe there could be a breakthrough in the offing. Good luck investigating, I really do hope you are on to something, keep my fingers crossed.
     
  15. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to get my hopes up to have them dashed, but I did more testing today and wrote up my outline for the presentation. I think what I am trying to do with my technology may be possible. From outline to final product is very long road. But I am now trying to focus on creating the outline with actual hard data (Pictures with results), to present to the customer. The customer is a fortune 500 company, they were interested enough to give me the data to test. My first test failed miserably -- made my depression worse. Then I switched from grey-scale to color. Grey scale got about 20% matching if that. Color appears to get about 50% which may be enough. I would explain more but it would bore you to death and take lots of writing. So now I am trying to kick the depression at least to get this paper done and see if they'll go forward. But it's hard. I stop and say your kidding your self it's not working. Your lying to your self. Then I go look at the data in there is enough positive matching to go forward. Hopefully when I get up tomorrow things will still be the same.
     
    calvinandhobbs and SinisterKid like this.
  16. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That sound very promising, even to a numbskull like me. Please do keep us informed of progress.
     
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  17. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I'll try. I am currently dropping back into depression as I write this. I was good for about 5 hours today. Now I am thinking about my Suicide again. Oh well. Though actually everything above is true.
     
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  18. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That shit aint gonna stop overnight, sadly. We cant just switch it on and off. You have had your mind occupied [classic distraction] and now you have stopped, crash, bang freakin whallop, it all comes falling down on top of you again. Sorry mate, dont have all the answers, been there myself and you just have to find a way through it the best way you can. Music is my GO TO when all else fails. Headphones on, screw the world and everyone in it and just try to lose myself in music. Its what works for me.
     
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  19. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    So now I am back. Dropped into depression visualized "ending it." Then decided to come here and write stuff. To get where I am all my life stresses caught up with me and I stopped taking prozac. I have some really bad memories from 30 years ago that really screwed up my life. They all came tumbling back with this depression. Because of those incidents 30 years ago I am where I am. Not a good place financially and emotionally. I have one real shot that was a long shot that was failing/failed. Now I've breathed life back into it -- amazingly so. It's still a real long shot. Unfortunately I am pinning most of my hopes on it, which is not good because if it fails I'll be crushed. Which brings me back to my suicide. Why not do it now, why wait? Well you should at least see if something comes of the project. But if am I depressed like I am now I can't do the work. Which will cause it to fail. If I do, do the work to the best of my abilities it can still fail. So really I have nothing. So that is that.

    That's my current thinking.