Can I hide it?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jess, Nov 24, 2006.

  1. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Tonight I'm supposed to see my aunt. From the other side of my family that I didn't get to see yesterday on the holiday because my family is THAT fucked up. Nobody sees my mom or my brother now. and because my mom is basically my tie to that side of the family.. I guess I dont get to see them anymore unless someone goes out of their way. But anyways, I'm supposed to see her, to do.. I dont know what. But she's the one that knows some stuff... and she's familiar with all this sort of thing because she only works in a fucking hospital.. can I hide how bad I feel right now with the holidays and everything? or am I screwed?! I know I can hide it from anyone just normally.. people are pretty shut off to this stuff... it's scarying, I know.. but she's totally tuned in!!! AHHG why did I have to tell her?! BIGGGEST MISTAKE EVER... I even tried telling her I made it all up... and she said she didn't believe me,.. but if I did then I'd STILL NEED HELP.. ahhg :sad: So I guess I really am just a fucked up kid regardless...

    :cry: :wallbash:

    I just want to hide....
  2. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    If you really do want to hide it you probably can. In my experience the people are the most blind to members of their family or friends being unhappy or having problems are those that are supposed to be the most aware. Maybe it's because they don't want to recognise in their family or friends the things they see everyday at work. If you can put on a mask that you probably use everyday you'll be fine.

    Having said that though, if you aren't sure whether you want to hide it from her maybe you should talk to her again?
  3. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I would talk to her. I really really really want to talk to her. But I just can't. :cry: I dont know what it is that's holding me back.. I want to, but as soon as the chance comes up.. I freak out and run.. or just clam up.


    But I figure.. ifI'm not ready to talk to even my own aunt (which has become totally awkward for me at least) then there's no way in hell I'd be ready to talk to anyone more... qualified?

    I'm just doomed to suffer.... :sad:
  4. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    You could write her a letter to break the ice and start the conversation off.

    The difference with talking to someone more qualified (like a therapist or doctor) is that person is more objective and not really involved as such in your life and only knows what you choose to say. So maybe it would be easier to talk to a stranger if you see what I mean?
  5. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Yeah, but she can be objective because she's a dr type too... She deals with people far worse off than me everyday...

    I dont exactly write her letters.. I've emailed her and i text back and forth with her almost everyday.. just random stuff mostly.. but the emails get into stuff.. mostly she's trying to convince me to go with her to talk to someone.. but I'm so sca red.. and she understands that because she handles stuff like this all the time. But she'sstill pushing me.. and it's gotten so awkward between us.. maybe it's just me, because shes the adult... adults never show their awkwardness.... ahhg. I dont know what to do.. I'm just dancing between saying I'm still sick and passing on the occasion.. or just going and forcing myself to make the appearance and who knows what'll happen...
  6. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    Maybe you could ask her to back off a little and say you just feel under too much pressure with it at the moment.
  7. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I could do that. and she would.. but part of me doesn't want her to because I HAVE to do something about this.. I can't ignore it anymore.. this is as bad as I've ever felt.. and with no real good reason.. when everything was happening and right there infront of me I didn't even feel this bad! maybe it's all catching up with me.. I dunno.....

    I'm just so confused :sad:
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Jess hun, when I was your age the best thing that ever happened to me was being pressurised into seeing a professional. I didn't think so at the time, was scared and freaked out, but truly it was for the best.
  9. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I know that I need tos ee one, and it would be whats best for me.. but I'm so scared :sad: so so scared. I'm too shy.. I'd get no where.. waste of time. I dunno..

    I just.. can't talk :wallbash: I'm too damn shy
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If the shrink/therapst whatever is any good at their job (mine was brilliant) they will take all that into account. Getting stuff out of people is a long drawn out process...but oh so worth the effort.
  11. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    What are you scared of?
  12. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I'm not sure.. just have this fucked up fear of it all.
    Fear of what everyone will think.
    of what the outcome will be
    of what they'll tell me
    of how there might be nothing anyone can do.

    I dont know.. there's a lot of possibilities that scare me.. and I'm not even really sure... just... I dont like the thought.. isn't anyone else scared? or weren't you?

    maybe I'm just fucked
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun not fucked just scared. I was so out of control when it was suggested to me, that in someways it was a relief. 4 years of psychotherapy later and I was ok for the next 20 years. Am still ok really cos now I know I can analyse the shit that hits me, just broken hearted; but that will heal.

    Please please get the help, I never really looked back after getting the help I so badly needed.
  14. Jess

    Jess Guest


    I know what I really need to do... just a matter of doing it now......

    I'm sorry
  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Jess, see your therapist again. I know you mentioned you would have to see someone else, but you can do it. Your fear of talking to them can be overcome. Help yourself hun. We are all rooting for you. :hug:
  16. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I can't :cry: I can't.. just can't. I can't make myself go through it again.. ever again. It'll be over.

    I'm so weak, so broken. so screwed up, I dont need some doctor to tell me that.. I've been told time and time again. and maybe the only cure is through suffering and death.

    My brain doesn't fit my body. my soul is trapped. I'm stuck here. I just need to get out. I keep getting the feeling that I'm not fit to be myself. Please, please dont tell me that's normal teenage feeling because I know it's not.

    :cry: why is everything caving in on me? This.. this is coming to a head. Monday, uhhhg school on monday. Try outs.. driver ed.. work.. I'm drowning in my life. I can't not play basketball.. no matter how much I hate it.. or else I'll be beaten up every single day.. I have been. Ever since I opened my mouth weeks ago that I didn't plan on playing this year.. three girls in particular have hip checked me, boxed my ears.. everything.. until I finally agreed to play.. now I have to.. and I can't quit work because I have too much stuff to pay for. FFS I'm 16 and I feel like I'm 20.. this is why I feel trapped.. I've already aquired the mind of a 20 year old.. there's a piece missing of where I was supposed to be an imature snot nosed brat.

    ARGGGGGGGGGGGG I wish I could just rant and rave to someone but I can't. because I dont know how. I dont know how to fucking open my mouth and just be truthful with someone face to face. it's impossible. I'm demented. dysfunctional. I can't even do something that will in the long run improve my life.. and that's obviously what's going to matter.. childhood/teenaged years are only a fraction of life...

    I can't even expect anyone to read this.. why would anyone read this? I've hurt so many of you here... I'm just going to disappear.. like I did before.. only for good. I never should of come back.. I know it was a mistake.

    slowly.. surely... take care

  17. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Jess, take care of yourself hun. I know things are tough. We are here for you. :hug: