I hope to h*ll nobody sees this.
I just had to write it out.
It's a gorgeous day outside and where am I. In the house. Still in my pajamas in bed at noon. I want to sledgehammer the walls. All I have to do is go into the garage and get one. I have never hit anything in my life or broken anything in anger....
What I really want is to die. Now. Not when I'm 80, not next year, not next week. Now.
I'm so angry about still being here I could scream until my head explodes, And crying does not feel good or help.
I would gratefully exchange my life this moment for anyone who was ill or in danger.
No more family, no more close friends, no more career, can't do volunteer work because of this damn global disease, can't visit with acquaintances, can't travel anywhere. I don't pass the days in technology, don't know how anyway and just spending time reading or being alone no longer does a damn thing for me. Communications with others I know or know via others and have spent time with irl in connected communities and now using just Facebook pass some minutes of a day but it means nothing. Most of these people are emotionally and mentally grounded, have family or loved ones, engaged with their lives and not depressed people. Content and living and exploring their lives. I have to be secretive about this aspect of my life with all of them.
I did spend three days texting back and forth a lot with someone who needed medical and emotional support and direction and answers...I know her via others...it made me feel engaged and of use for a couple of days. Then back to reality.
I have lost the life I had and it aint' comin back.
I can't do this.
I sound like a whiny child.
Where did the person I once was go....It's in the news and studies everywhere you look that isolation and lack of engagement kills people. Why hasn't it graced me with death
.
