I definitely have mood swings which happen quite frequently. Most of the time I am in a "bad" mood with just a few times where I am "okay". Tomorrow, I am leaving for a vacation to India with my dad and I would not want to get into a bad mood there, which I most likely will. My future and thinking about it has always been a thing that causes me much pain and anguish. Because I think I have no future, it will be nothing but torment and despair and why I must commit suicide eventually, I MUST. One thing that will most likely happen there is my dad will introduce me to a family and their daughter to set up arrangements for an arranged marriage or they will come first, which my parents have both kept talking to me about. This is one thing that sets me into a bad mood, thinking about marriage. I have extremely low self-esteem and feel that nobody will ever want to me my partner. I have so far not even tried to get a girlfriend as I am confident it would just end in failure and I am afraid of rejection. So I don't even want to meet those families. An arranged marriage is probably the only way I will not die alone. But that may still be better than living with someone who probably only married me for my American and Canadian citizenship. Anyways..... I wonder if there is a way where I can control my fluctuating mood and set it to "good" mode at least for the duration of the trip. When I get back home, it can go to "bad" all it wants. I guess I wouldn't want my relatives to see me in a bad mood, to say and do things I will regret while I am in a bad mood. Such as my parents said that even if I don't want to marry, that I should politely tell them "no, thank you", and not say something like "fuck off, I'm a depressed, moody loser who contemplates suicide, your an idiot for even thinking about marrying a piece of shit like me, are you scared yet?" which seems very tempting for me to say. Right now I am in a bad mood and think it will be a crappy, boring trip where I'd rather just be home and wasting my life away playing on the computer, just get this shit over with. In my rare good mood, I think the trip will offer a unique experience, that I should get out of the house, off the computer, I'll even see a real-life rural village where my dad lived, how exciting! I want to stay in that good mood!