I'm aware of negative sounding things I've said on this website. I wanted to say sorry for that, though it wasn't intentional.
I feel a great irony my sister wants to live, yet has bad health. I have better health, but want to die. I wish I could give her my health, but it doesn't work that way. I mentally deal with much more than her though.
I'm a road warrior. I've been 'climbing this mountain' a long time if you can tell, and I really want to get to the summit. Every single time I've went towards suicide though, it had not worked out well for me. Yet I had times when I could control, and times when I could not. There has got to be some meaning I keep telling myself, some damn reason why to get this far. My mind is black to the point you see that it is not coming back from 'Life is worth losing'. I've just seen to much pain in my life, and it took it's course. Yet I highly do not want to achieve that by suicide, and I still have desire to be a light in the world when I can be.
I was thinking today how unique(and seemingly pointless) this situation is; I understand a fight. Hell, I understand war. If a man wants to battle me, than give me a fair fight. I won't mind losing. If I was in some bad war situation, or the holocaust, or a million other situations in life, fine, you want to try and kill me, go ahead. The boxing ring, etc. But to just die like some kind of worm, by my own hand, I mean what the hell is that God? Let me at least die like a man, on my legs at least. What is the point of this suffering, why have you brought this to me? You don't like me, fine. I've taken buckets of your rain already, with a smile on my face while doing it too. But you have to give me a reason at this point, I think I've earned that.
For God's sake, you can't keep denying good men and women who just want... And there it is.