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Can I talk a bit?

#3
Thank you May. Things have been worse lately. It's the B-day blues again(I always have a tough time around now and fall). I was about one step away from my method I've had on my mind for a long time. But I stopped, and the reason I did was, yes timing, but I just have in my soul that it is not right to do, no matter how much I hate my life right now. My sister also suffers from bad health. She had a pancreas/kidney transplant some years ago, which is now failing again and she'll have to go back to dialisis soon.

I was coping alright for most of this year, which is actually pretty good compared to the last x # of years. And this site does help, but sometimes it backfires as someone will unintentionally trigger me with something they said(and I probably do it too). I'm able to keep my composure fairly well because I have been here many times in the past(especially around this time of year), which helps, but then I also get reminded of how long of a road it's been. It's just so tiring
 
#5
I'm aware of negative sounding things I've said on this website. I wanted to say sorry for that, though it wasn't intentional.

I feel a great irony my sister wants to live, yet has bad health. I have better health, but want to die. I wish I could give her my health, but it doesn't work that way. I mentally deal with much more than her though.

I'm a road warrior. I've been 'climbing this mountain' a long time if you can tell, and I really want to get to the summit. Every single time I've went towards suicide though, it had not worked out well for me. Yet I had times when I could control, and times when I could not. There has got to be some meaning I keep telling myself, some damn reason why to get this far. My mind is black to the point you see that it is not coming back from 'Life is worth losing'. I've just seen to much pain in my life, and it took it's course. Yet I highly do not want to achieve that by suicide, and I still have desire to be a light in the world when I can be.

I was thinking today how unique(and seemingly pointless) this situation is; I understand a fight. Hell, I understand war. If a man wants to battle me, than give me a fair fight. I won't mind losing. If I was in some bad war situation, or the holocaust, or a million other situations in life, fine, you want to try and kill me, go ahead. The boxing ring, etc. But to just die like some kind of worm, by my own hand, I mean what the hell is that God? Let me at least die like a man, on my legs at least. What is the point of this suffering, why have you brought this to me? You don't like me, fine. I've taken buckets of your rain already, with a smile on my face while doing it too. But you have to give me a reason at this point, I think I've earned that.

For God's sake, you can't keep denying good men and women who just want... And there it is.
 
#6
I'm aware of negative sounding things I've said on this website. I wanted to say sorry for that, though it wasn't intentional.
You're allowed to say negative sounding things on SF. I'm sure the mods would have intervened if there had been a problem.

I feel a great irony my sister wants to live, yet has bad health. I have better health, but want to die. I wish I could give her my health, but it doesn't work that way. I mentally deal with much more than her though.
Physical health and mental health are both aspects of health. Her illness is just easier to point to.
And this site does help, but sometimes it backfires as someone will unintentionally trigger me with something they said
Maybe there's a way to avoid your triggers. Do you want to say what triggers you? It's ok if you don't. I can understand that even talking about it might be a trigger.
 
#7
You're allowed to say negative sounding things on SF. I'm sure the mods would have intervened if there had been a problem.


Physical health and mental health are both aspects of health. Her illness is just easier to point to.

Maybe there's a way to avoid your triggers. Do you want to say what triggers you? It's ok if you don't. I can understand that even talking about it might be a trigger.
I think I'm going to save the trigger conversation for another night.
 
#9
I'll take it easy and get through tonight, as I've done in the past. Maybe watch a show I like. Like I said, I know my own limits better than anyone and it's not my first rodeo. But it's temporary, it will come back. I think the fact I came here tonight instead of 'going solo' was a smarter choice and a good sign. I normally would not do that.

Thanks again May, or anyone else suffering tonight. You know, In the Red Hot Chili Peppers classic 'Under the bridge' he says, "I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day". Maybe some of you know the song. Feeling like 'that day' is a horrible thing, but feeling like that many times in ones life is just not right, no one should have to go through that repeatedly. I don't expect anyone to have an answer for that... It's just a thought. Peace for now, I should probably check back tomorrow. What a day,
 
#10
Well, I made it through the night and I hope you did too. Yesterday was very bad and I tried to die but did not succeed. There has to be a reason we are here. Praying we both figure it out and better day today!
 

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