I lost my virginity to a rapist when I was 13. I always frowned when the girls in my class were talking about what they had done with boys. I had decided I wanted to wait till I had found the right person. The then 19 year old mildly retarded son of my mother's good friend decided to change that. I later learned he wasn't allowed to be alone with anyone, especially not little girls!!. But I had often been alone with him in his room playing with toy trains. His mother often baby-sat me and for some reason I seemed to have a calming effect on him. He had once in a tent tried to feel me up but I just laughed it off. And earlier that day he had kissed me and I tried to avoid it. The very few times I have opened up about it for some reason I have twisted the truth a bit and made it seem like he didn't know what he did. He had planned it, he even tried to find the right music to play, made sure we went for an extra long walk in the snow so I'd be col and he could sit next to and try to warm me... from some boys I after overheard them wondering why he had suddenly been asking them advice on sex... He wasn't more retarded than being capable of planning it. He was very harsh on me and it hurt so bad and it has made me scared of sex ever since. It's been 12 years now... I know it doesn't help that all the men in my life were abusive and my ex forced me into prostitution... But will it ever get better? I only told someone about the rape 2 years after. I was so ashamed, and had to go alone with all the fears and worries... (never have I been so happy to see my period). I told my mother first, but only after having had flash backs to being molested as a little girl by another young man. My mother didn't react like a mother should. (my single mother doesn't like children and was never capable of loving her own daughter). She did believe me, that it had happened... asked me technical questions about what had happened, but then she broke my heart. She told me I must have provoked it, she called him an "innocent boy" and that he had to be pushed into that situation; my own mother asked me if I teased him. And then she made me promise her to never tell a soul; she didn't want HIM to get into trouble. I was then for years dragged along to events in his family so we could keep up the 'facade'. Which two times almost gave him the chance to repeat the rape when he followed me to the bathroom. He'd follow me around town too, insist on pinning me in on the bus so I couldn't escape... I tried to pretend I didn't notice him and was listening to my music and often had old ladies think I was rude for not speaking to the 'nice young man'. I haven't been able to physically mouth the words since. I didn't tell anyone really before my boyfriend and I told him in an email. My best friend I've known for 7 years doesn't have a clue. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and I'm so scared of our first time together. Somehow it has been easier when I knew I was going to be abused. I think I got PTSD. I still have dreams about it, I sometimes out of the blue smell his aftershave and get sick. I can still feel his hands on my arms sometimes, especially when I wake up from those nightmares. It was why I started cutting, trying to get rid of the sensation... And I can't handle when the wind blows my hair into my mouth. When I finally came home that night I spent hours in the bathroom trying to remove hairs from him from my mouth. My boyfriend understands my worries, he's there for me all the way. I trust him like I've never been able to trust a man in my life. He wants to take it slow, and assures me our relationship is not about the physical things. He says he'll still love me if he can never touch me. Please tell me it's possible for my body to unlearn all that fear?