Can never live normally

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Withdrawn, Oct 21, 2010.

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  1. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I was a very healthy and happy child when I was 4 and 5. I smiled all the time and played with my toys. Certainly, I did not talk, I was uninterested in other people, and lived in my own world :unsure:... but I was healthy! :blub: I thought life was a playground. :cry:

    Now I'm 14,63 years old and labeled as very mentally ill. I'm depressed and selectively (unintentionally) mute. Moreover I'm psychotic. :sadyes:
    People look down on me and think I'm mentally retarded, just because I have autism! When (or if?) I'm getting healthier, I will still have my autistic disorder.
    It is a very frustrating disability, I tell you. Or at least that is what I think.

    I just want to be normal. Or I dunno. Living is so tiresome.

    I am dogged by guys finding me "cute". Sometimes I wish I looked more disabled, because people think I'm an ordinary girl.
    Well, once I was in the library looking for interesting books.
    An unfamiliar boy seeming older than me started to follow me. I got anxious.
    After lots of minutes, he blocked my way and approached me.
    "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" he said and smiled.
    I reversed. I couldn't breathe. I began flapping my hands uncontrolledly.
    "N...nhh.. uh, oa, ...nna", I kind of brought out. "Noeeeh. Do...n be gir...frehnd......"
    The guy asked if I was from another country.
    "Uuhh-uh-uuh-uhh." I stared at him and kept on flapping my hands.
    "Oh, you're sick in your stupid head, or what?" The boy laughed and left me.

    As if I chose to be "sick in my stupid head".
    This has happened at least three times.

    I feel I don't want to live anymore. :nerves: I'm tired of being called names as "bonehead" and "simple-minded". :ill:
    I already know how to kill myself. Now I just need to be brave in order to perform it. I loathe my life. :yuk:

    I just wanted to say good bye to you members of SF.
    I'm sick of meeting doctors, and I hate medicines. I hate everything about my life.
  2. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Eh?....your 14,63 years old? Kya?
  3. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    I have a 14 year old daughter who is on the autistic spectrum disorder range. Please realise that you are not alone. People just don't understand and people are frightened by what they don't understand. When they're frightened they react with insults.

    You are a good human being x
  4. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Wrong? 14.63, is that right? ... :eek:hmy:
  5. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    I know I'm far from alone, but I still don't want this hell. :(
  6. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    I know you don't, really I do. I see how my daughter struggles and it breaks my heart I can't do anything to make it all go away. Not for me, but for her. I don't care what she is or isn't, she's my daughter and I love her for who she is. The ars*holes at school? Hunny they would pick on you if you weren't autistic. They're just bullies, and bullies don't care what they pick on. They will find something whether it's name, hair colour, clothes, or any problems you have. Just remember that one day you will have left school, and left the bullies behind x
  7. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    You sound like a very intelligent person, I don't know what to say to you that wouldn't sound condescending or patronising but people are afraid of what they can't understand and we can't change that, lord knows we've tried, it's up to you really to adjust to them and try not to be too upset by when situations like the one you describe above arise.
  8. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's difficulties. Hope she's okay.

    I don't go to school anymore, so nobody can tease me at the moment.
    I'm just sitting in my room while planning my suicide which I've been doing the latest three months. But I can't leave the house without getting those glances from people. Especially girls in my age use to contrast themselves with me. "Why can I talk whilst you can't?" they say.

    I hate bullies.
  9. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you! :rose:
  10. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    Why can some people dance and others can't? Why can some people paint and others can't? That's the beauty of being are unique. You are individual. Please don't think you have nothing to give. You have so much to give. There are other people like you. They also need support. Someone like you who understands can give so much to others who also will understand you in return. hey...I've just noticed you live in Sweden :) Aunt has recently moved there, and I'm hoping to go and visit her for a while next spring. Maybe I can drop by and say hello while I'm there. Honestly...I'm just a normal person not some strange internet wierdo, but I don't know anyone there apart from my aunt and it would be good to say Hi. By then maybe we can have talked more too, so we'd just be online friends meeting up. I can't remember where my aunt moved to. It's a long address, but it's a campsite she bought out there. If I come over with my daughter, and you are able to come and camp with us, you can meet her. She's lovely. she'd understand.
  11. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I want to change the world and help everybody!
    But I really can't do that because I guess I will live in an institution with staff when I'm an adult. That's what my mother told me.

    It would be nice to meet you and your daughter.
  12. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    Well to me you come across as very articulate, and intelligent, and i see no reason why you would need to live in an institution at all. You're Autistic not incapable.

    I'll hold you to that meeting, so you can't go anywhere just yet. I need a holiday and it would be nice to meet some new friends, and I want to see where my Aunt has moved to. Now you're going to have to stay around, otherwise I'll be in a strange country with no one I know except my Aunt.
  13. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    Oh...and you CAN change the world. You are the future of the world. Just do it little bit by little bit, one day at a time.

    You are welcome to message me anytime. *hugs*
  14. HighsandLows

    HighsandLows Active Member

    I have to go to bed now, but I'd love to chat to you some more tomorrow or whenever you're on here next.
  15. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you for being so supportive! :laugh: Would love to talk more to you.
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Withdrawn, I'm not autistic but I have a variable stutter, I've had it since I was a child; meaning I can be completely blocked, like yourself in this situation or very fluent.

    I've been disfluent and had similar reactions all through my teens. I know exactly how you feel which is understandable, justified. That said, I've also met people who found my speech very attractive :tongue: There are people who will find you absolutely charming, don't worry. :hug:

    The last time I went to speech therapy back in January- I found the whole outlook had changed from lets say 20 yrs ago where being invisible (ie. "normal") silent and fluent was encouraged. Like yourself, I'm not 'normal' and I don't especially want to be. One of the approaches was 'advertising stuttering', meaning going out and stuttering unintentionally/intentionally to give it more visibility.

    I've recently found people are okay regardless how I speak because I approach the situation with : "I don't care what he/she thinks". One thing I loved to do was watch and laugh at some people's reactions.

    You showed yourself. You said "no," in the way you could, which happens to be different. You are admirable.

    When it comes to bullies- try and express yourself any way how.Also tell people who are supposed to be in charge about it. Thing is, a lot of people aren't 'normal.' People aspire to be 'normal' but there isn't such a thing. Everyone is scared. And in society you will meet people who will very possibly damage you intentionally and unintentionally- thing is, those people don't matter. You matter more than them.

    Don't keep silent. If it's bothering you, it's important, because you are.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2010
  17. Soldier_of_Christ69

    Soldier_of_Christ69 Banned Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2010
  18. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Well, is that what you think?
    I see you want me to die ... I will die soon. :badday:
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That user is out to upset. You will meet many people like him.

    Why does his words matter more than mine? :)
  20. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This member needs help more than he will ever know...we should feel sad for him...and please know, as I said in my PM how much we care...big hugs, J
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