I was a very healthy and happy child when I was 4 and 5. I smiled all the time and played with my toys. Certainly, I did not talk, I was uninterested in other people, and lived in my own world :unsure:... but I was healthy! :blub: I thought life was a playground. :cry: Now I'm 14,63 years old and labeled as very mentally ill. I'm depressed and selectively (unintentionally) mute. Moreover I'm psychotic. :sadyes: People look down on me and think I'm mentally retarded, just because I have autism! When (or if?) I'm getting healthier, I will still have my autistic disorder. It is a very frustrating disability, I tell you. Or at least that is what I think. I just want to be normal. Or I dunno. Living is so tiresome. I am dogged by guys finding me "cute". Sometimes I wish I looked more disabled, because people think I'm an ordinary girl. Well, once I was in the library looking for interesting books. An unfamiliar boy seeming older than me started to follow me. I got anxious. After lots of minutes, he blocked my way and approached me. "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" he said and smiled. I reversed. I couldn't breathe. I began flapping my hands uncontrolledly. "N...nhh.. uh, oa, ...nna", I kind of brought out. "Noeeeh. Do...n be gir...frehnd......" The guy asked if I was from another country. "Uuhh-uh-uuh-uhh." I stared at him and kept on flapping my hands. "Oh, you're sick in your stupid head, or what?" The boy laughed and left me. As if I chose to be "sick in my stupid head". This has happened at least three times. I feel I don't want to live anymore. :nerves: I'm tired of being called names as "bonehead" and "simple-minded". :ill: I already know how to kill myself. Now I just need to be brave in order to perform it. I loathe my life. :yuk: I just wanted to say good bye to you members of SF. I'm sick of meeting doctors, and I hate medicines. I hate everything about my life.