Can not bear it anymore, it will never end...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MartyNoHope, Dec 14, 2014.

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  1. MartyNoHope

    MartyNoHope New Member

    Hello, I am new to this forum and I am feeling desperately depressed and hopeless just now as I am posting this. I am sorry for my language (it´s my 2nd language) and for the way I express myself but I can not think clearly now.

    I do not know where to start. I am 18 and all my life seems to be a cruel joke. Not everything in my life has been bad but most of it has been.

    When I was child I was really rude to my younger sister and I enjoyed torturing insects. When I was 11 we bought our first dog. Once we visited our granny in the countryside and I wanted to watch one of her chickens being chased by our dog so I caught one chicken and our dog started to chase it and eventually killed it (which I did not want to happen). I saw the chicken diyng and I started to scream and ran home and just cried when I realized what I had done. Then I felt really guilty for every animal I have ever killed becaused I realized what it really means to live just once - both humans and animals. In 2009 after seeing the movie Avatar I started to feel more guilty about my behaviour in the past years and started to hate myslef for it. I can not get it why I did all those things because in reallity I have ever liked animals in a certain way because I remeber complaining parents about boys in my class who used to kill snails and I wanted to stop them, but I was the same though (even worse). Now it is one of the things that makes me to hate myself even now when I belive that I am a different person because I am trying to carry about my pets and gardneing is my favourite hobby and also people keep telling how good personality I have (only I know that it is not a truth).

    There are another things that makes me feel miserable and unworthy. When I was 12 a Scheuermanns dissease has dveloped in my spine - another reason why I hate my body and myslef. Also I have crooked bottom teeth - another reason. I am gay - alone, never had a boyfriend. I have problems in school - D and F in maths. Really weird sexual thoughts that turns me on...

    About 3 hours ago one of our dogs has killed my budgie. It was not for the first time - our cat killed 2 hamsters and 1 budgie and our dog a quinnea pig when I was a child. It should not happen and it is all my fault again. I let the cage with my budgies on the floor so they could easier get out and I forgget to close the door when I left my room for a minute. I was in shock, it could not be truth, I could not believe it. Today I felt guilty about my past since morning and suddendly something like that happens again. Now I feel I am really close to psichycaly break-down. It is just much for me. I can´t bear it anymore. I am a murderer, I dont deserve to live. I should be the dead one, not my budgie.

    I hate how I look. I hate what I have done in the past. I just cause pain to everyone in my life. I will never be like the others. I will never find the true love. I should end this unworthy life to prserve others from me but I am just not brave enough...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    You're only a human. You're allowed to make mistakes and it's a good thing you feel guilt over the deaths as its normal.

    Don't beat yourself over mistakes, they're made to be learned from.
     
  3. MartyNoHope

    MartyNoHope New Member

    I really thank you for your reply :).

    It´s that I just feel that some of the deaths I caused weren´t mistakes, I used to kill bugs for "fun" or I don´t know for what, when I was a child and it still makes me feel like a murderer.
    I know that I have to be strong and keep going on, but it is easy to say, not easy to do :(.
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Countless of us squished ants or spiders just because they existed in the wrong place at wrong time. I still feel bad for killing spiders all of the time because they were in the house when I was younger. It's no different than killing them for fun. My childhood memories of accidently killing or maiming butterflies or fireflies when catching them, still feel bad about it when looking back.

    I now catch spiders and let them go outside as I have a better respect of their place in the ecosystem and walk around ant on sidewalk whenever I see them. For me it's like saying sorry to all of bugs that perished because of me.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I think 99% of people have killed a bug or spider at some point in their life but obviously it's making you feel guilty, try not to worry about it, anyway just wanted to say I read your post and you are being heard :)
     
  6. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    The way i see it is like this! If you didnt feel bad you wouldnt have a conscience and omly good people have a conscience! Happy new year!
     
  7. MartyNoHope

    MartyNoHope New Member

    I very appreciate all your answers!

    We have to stay strong.

    I wish you all the best, love and luck into 2015 :). The future is here :D
     
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Same goes for you too Marty. :wave:
     
  9. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Don't feel guilty, forgive yourself and make a decision not to do it again. Which it sounds like you have done so well done :)
     
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