can not face another day of meaningless responsibility

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wiltedsunflower, Mar 15, 2015.

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  1. I don't care about anything
    I don't want to have to be responsible
    Why should I even try when Im never going to stay happy.
  2. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    When I'm being pressured to do something I don't like doing I often find that genuine appreciation usually wins over my inherent disinterest for activities I dislike. It really sucks that we live in a world where not only are you expected to fulfill and maintain a set of responsibilities, but everyone seems to forget the importance of showing appreciation when you actually do them. Sometimes you even have to create your own personal reward systems in place of the lack of thank-yous, just so people don't guilt you for refusing to take responsibilities you feel are pointless. You have to create little ways of making yourself motivated in place of the motivation you should be receiving from the people your responsibilities affect, and the worst part is, you're constantly shamed for feeling like you shouldn't have to do that. So it becomes such a problem that even when genuine appreciation is shown, you don't feel rewarded. You don't feel important, even if you actually are. Obviously this is affecting my life as much as it is yours and unfortunately I don't have a good solution, though I've decided to live as if I don't give a shit about responsibility, I ignore guilt, and I'm completely reckless. But to be honest, it's the only mindset that keeps me happy enough to function and enjoy the pleasures of life. This isn't a permanent solution but for me it doesn't need to be. All I can do now is write about it. Even if the solution is temporary, it gives you at least sense of freedom. Obviously it isn't reality, but in my opinion, reality isn't that pleasurable anyway.

    I don't have good solution to this problem, but hopefully it's still something.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2015
  3. You make a good point. Its not that I'm feeling under appreciated. I just can not bring myself to keep putting myself through such mental turmoil.

    I wonder if I'm being selfish in feeling this way. Isn't it all just part of how life goes that we have to suffer to find any enjoyment in life? Why should I have to though? Because there are people who love me and would miss me if I left this world?

    Doesn't that make them the selfish ones? Encouraging me to just keep going on when everyday is mental agony.

    I dont want to try anymore. I'm so tired.
  4. What am I even working toward?
    I don't like my job. Not even sure I like the field at all.

    I feel like I'm just holding back my fiance. I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be responsible for anything or anyone let alone myself. I feel terrible and guilty.

    At least if I weren't around I would not have to see or feel the disappointment from him.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Yes, I understand your feeling low but there is a point of living and that includes you. I know you are suffering and at the lowest ebb of your life. You have to deal with one day at a time or even hour by hour. Please remain strong and keep posting here. Be safe as well. PM if you want to talk in private.
  6. But why do I have to? I'm tired of living day to day.

    I've worked so hard to try and get over this depression. I'll do well for a while. But then all at once it comes back and effects me and everyone around me in a very negative way.
  7. I can't face work. I've barely been able to keep a job down for more than a few months. Doesnt matter how much I like the job at first. Eventually my depression will eat away until I either quit or sabatoge myself into getting fired.

    I'm sick of it. Why even try anymore.

    I tried to think of what if I were going to my dream job tomorrow? I couldn't even face that.
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Have you been treated for the depression or simply try to will power yourself through episodes of depression as they come?
  9. Yeah been treated for it. On medication currently. Been to counselling in the past and a stint in the psych ward.
  10. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If the medication is not working then it is time to have it change or adjusted. If in the past you were getting counseling and were happier than perhaps looking at then again is a good idea. Depression is often a chronic illness- just like high blood pressure or diabetes or any of hundreds of physical conditions where if you stop treatment the condition worsens and sometimes the treatments need to be adjusted.
  11. I can't deal with that on top of having to work full time . I either have to just get over it and keep working so I can pay rent which will lead me to harm myself in some way or quit and check myself back into the psych ward which means I've burned another bridge employment wise and my fiance won't be able to make rent on his own and I'll just be a huge burden to him and everyone.
  12. IJ (it just is)

    IJ (it just is) Well-Known Member

    i feel your pain. i am the youngest of three and yet i am the one that has to be the most responsible one. no matter what the situation. when at work and with friends, i need to be responsible. i just wish for once i could let go and someone else will pick up the pieces. just once i wanna be reckless and free. i dont really have an answer for you, sorry, i wish i did then i would be able to help myself too.
  13. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    The guilt is the worst. Either you feel selfish for not wanting to put up with shit, or you feel like shit putting up with shit so people don't give you guilt for not wanting to do shit. It's a constant battle between pleasing yourself while hurting other people, or hurting yourself while pleasing other people. Makes you feel like a defective person with a lifestyle incompatible with reality. Sometimes I feel like this is what everyone has to go through and I'm being the bitch by not conforming to it. Maybe the only solution is to get lucky and hope for a good gig. And yeah, sometimes that happens. But the wait is grueling. Who knows, though, might as well wait it out at least one last time and see what happens. That's what I've decided, anyway. Even if it's a total fuck up, at least you can turn around and say you gave it your best.
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