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Walker

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#42
Hi again, thanks for the reminder. Your last post has a lot of useful information in it.
Okay, so hold on to your drink, my friend. This is gonna be a ride.

Memories keep coming up.
I only pulled this small part out because no need to quote the whole text, you already know what's going on.
This is why you're in therapy right? It can only get better from here. This sounds like PTSD of some kind (to me, who knows nothing) but a single event can give you PTSD and certainly a year like you've had can. It's not okay - the stuff you've been through. There's no doubt in my mind how you ended up here at the site. I'm so glad you're still around.

My mom and I were close (my dad was always jealous) and I broke down there in her room. My dad said YOU’RE crying??? This was my WIFE, she was just your MOTHER.
This is really shitty. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Grief makes people say some really awful things sometimes without thinking. I don't want to justify what your dad said to you in any way so please don't hear it like that. I only mean that *he* feels it deeply one way and you feel it deeply another.
Honestly, I think that you had your mother your entire life and he had her for, however many years. Let's say 30. So He had a life and then found your mom and then they had a great time together and that's awesome and it's fricking terrible that it ended because of some stupidass pandemic. He felt like a romantic relationship trumped her parental relationship. Which, I imagine, is also why he felt it was 'okay' to kill himself, Sam. He felt like you, as a grown man, didn't "need" your parents (because that's what he's saying there - "you didn't need your mom anymore, *I* did")
But you think to yourself, I've had this woman all my life. I was born to her and she took care of me every day and she's been there unconditionally loving me every since then. I don't know what life is like without her. I don't know how to not call her when I want to talk about something or I don't know how to make sure this girl is the right one if I can't run it by my mom, etc.
It's just two very different thought processes (you and your dad). Neither is more right or less right, they're just different. If you want to read about some absolutely heartbreaking shit that presents your fathers side? Check out any of the posts by Fleurise about her husband (like this one https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/five-months-since-my-husband-died.109096/ ) shit will make you cry like a fucking toddler. And I only present that side in an effort to let you release the anger and resentment you have towards your father in some way.
 

Walker

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#43
I'm adding this to this in another section because people probably fell asleep during the last one.

I want to talk about how THIS is how killing yourself fucks kids up. Even though you're an adult, losing a parent has completely screwed up your life. You lost a parent and that was traumatic for you. And then you had a suicide of a parent and exacerbated that issue tenfold because you two should have been able to grow closer and lean on each other but instead he removed that from you. He left you isolated and alone to figure things out from here on out. I get that he was hurting and that was all he could see. I do. But it doesn't mean that it didn't completely screw you up. I *feel like* in your case your father didn't know that it was going to mess you up like it did. (what do I know??) Sometimes people here say "yeah well, it'll screw them up but they'll get over it" or "I know it'll be hard but I hurt more than they will". I'm not entirely sure that's true most often. My mother killing herself **really** messed my sister up. I managed to escape a lot of that trauma by the 10 year mark but do people kill themselves leaving kids behind think "eh well it's okay, it'll only last 10 years"? Fucking hell, that's kind of messed up isn't it? For my sister that is breaking into year 20 and she's not better though so there's that..

Anyway I'll stop now, Sam. I just wanted you to know that I get it and I understand and maybe, being a bit further along here than you are, have processed more than you have been allowed to thus far so wanted to share some potential insight.
Take what you like, leave what you think is bullshit. Sending good thoughts your way, my friend.
 

SamIAm

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#44
Hi again, thanks for the reminder. Your last post has a lot of useful information in it.
Okay, so hold on to your drink, my friend. This is gonna be a ride.


I only pulled this small part out because no need to quote the whole text, you already know what's going on.
This is why you're in therapy right? It can only get better from here. This sounds like PTSD of some kind (to me, who knows nothing) but a single event can give you PTSD and certainly a year like you've had can. It's not okay - the stuff you've been through. There's no doubt in my mind how you ended up here at the site. I'm so glad you're still around.


This is really shitty. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Grief makes people say some really awful things sometimes without thinking. I don't want to justify what your dad said to you in any way so please don't hear it like that. I only mean that *he* feels it deeply one way and you feel it deeply another.
Honestly, I think that you had your mother your entire life and he had her for, however many years. Let's say 30. So He had a life and then found your mom and then they had a great time together and that's awesome and it's fricking terrible that it ended because of some stupidass pandemic. He felt like a romantic relationship trumped her parental relationship. Which, I imagine, is also why he felt it was 'okay' to kill himself, Sam. He felt like you, as a grown man, didn't "need" your parents (because that's what he's saying there - "you didn't need your mom anymore, *I* did")
But you think to yourself, I've had this woman all my life. I was born to her and she took care of me every day and she's been there unconditionally loving me every since then. I don't know what life is like without her. I don't know how to not call her when I want to talk about something or I don't know how to make sure this girl is the right one if I can't run it by my mom, etc.
It's just two very different thought processes (you and your dad). Neither is more right or less right, they're just different. If you want to read about some absolutely heartbreaking shit that presents your fathers side? Check out any of the posts by Fleurise about her husband (like this one https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/five-months-since-my-husband-died.109096/ ) shit will make you cry like a fucking toddler. And I only present that side in an effort to let you release the anger and resentment you have towards your father in some way.
Walker, my friend, you have no idea, The anger and hate towards my father’s words really has been eating me up. It’s like how did he not know how badly my mother’s death affected me? You presented it from his angle which I could not do. He WAS terribly broken up and yes I am grown now. He didn’t see it as me still needing her. I understand what you’re saying and I forgive him now thanks to you.
 

SamIAm

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#45
I'm adding this to this in another section because people probably fell asleep during the last one.

I want to talk about how THIS is how killing yourself fucks kids up. Even though you're an adult, losing a parent has completely screwed up your life. You lost a parent and that was traumatic for you. And then you had a suicide of a parent and exacerbated that issue tenfold because you two should have been able to grow closer and lean on each other but instead he removed that from you. He left you isolated and alone to figure things out from here on out. I get that he was hurting and that was all he could see. I do. But it doesn't mean that it didn't completely screw you up. I *feel like* in your case your father didn't know that it was going to mess you up like it did. (what do I know??) Sometimes people here say "yeah well, it'll screw them up but they'll get over it" or "I know it'll be hard but I hurt more than they will". I'm not entirely sure that's true most often. My mother killing herself **really** messed my sister up. I managed to escape a lot of that trauma by the 10 year mark but do people kill themselves leaving kids behind think "eh well it's okay, it'll only last 10 years"? Fucking hell, that's kind of messed up isn't it? For my sister that is breaking into year 20 and she's not better though so there's that..

Anyway I'll stop now, Sam. I just wanted you to know that I get it and I understand and maybe, being a bit further along here than you are, have processed more than you have been allowed to thus far so wanted to share some potential insight.
Take what you like, leave what you think is bullshit. Sending good thoughts your way, my friend.
I’m so so sorry about your mother Walker. I had no idea. You have my deepest condolences. It’s all good what you said. You understand it all. How I found this place, why I’m here. Doing what he did was a crappy thing to do to me. I needed him. I needed to lean on him big time. I hadn’t even started grieving over my mothers death. And then his. Which could have been avoided. It left me feeling worthless. I knew my father was extremely broken up about my mothers death. His oldest son sister died 2 days after my mother and they were extremely close, But I spent so much time with him, trying to comfort him. And I’m left feeling worthless, that I couldn’t get the job done. So yes we all lose parents. It’s very common. It happens all the time and is expected. But I’m left with some fucked up feelings that I need to deal with before I mess up my life anymore. Would it have changed things if I were older and/or married and had someone else to lean on? I think so but it is what it is. And I appreciate all the help that you have given me and continue to give me. I really want to try and fix my life as best I can and move on. Im trying my best because you and a lot of other people care enough to try and help me. Its all I can ask for and means more than you’ll ever know.
 

SamIAm

Well-Known Member
#46
I’m so so sorry about your mother Walker. I had no idea. You have my deepest condolences. It’s all good what you said. You understand it all. How I found this place, why I’m here. Doing what he did was a crappy thing to do to me. I needed him. I needed to lean on him big time. I hadn’t even started grieving over my mothers death. And then his. Which could have been avoided. It left me feeling worthless. I knew my father was extremely broken up about my mothers death. His oldest son sister died 2 days after my mother and they were extremely close, But I spent so much time with him, trying to comfort him. And I’m left feeling worthless, that I couldn’t get the job done. So yes we all lose parents. It’s very common. It happens all the time and is expected. But I’m left with some fucked up feelings that I need to deal with before I mess up my life anymore. Would it have changed things if I were older and/or married and had someone else to lean on? I think so but it is what it is. And I appreciate all the help that you have given me and continue to give me. I really want to try and fix my life as best I can and move on. Im trying my best because you and a lot of other people care enough to try and help me. Its all I can ask for and means more than you’ll ever know.
I guess I meant my dads oldest sister died right after my mom did. That didn’t help matters any. But it is what it is.
 

Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️

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#47
That was really fucked up of your dad to say. Yes, of course it would be hard as hell for you to deal with, too. He should have realized that much. I know that you said being high helps, but in the long run it doesn't erase the memories. I used to binge drink and that didn't help me so I had to stop at some point.
 

Walker

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#48
Walker, my friend, you have no idea, The anger and hate towards my father’s words really has been eating me up. It’s like how did he not know how badly my mother’s death affected me? You presented it from his angle which I could not do. He WAS terribly broken up and yes I am grown now. He didn’t see it as me still needing her. I understand what you’re saying and I forgive him now thanks to you.
I know what you mean, man. He couldn't see how bad YOU hurt because he hurt so bad and you couldn't see how much HE hurt because you hurt so bad. I don't actually know how much time passed between your mother and father passing but I bet it wasn't very long. You two didn't have time to grieve on your own and get to a place where you could see each others point of view. (and start to lean on each other for support) Sadly he took an unexpected route instead. I'm so sorry you've been through so much.
 

SamIAm

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#49
That was really fucked up of your dad to say. Yes, of course it would be hard as hell for you to deal with, too. He should have realized that much. I know that you said being high helps, but in the long run it doesn't erase the memories. I used to binge drink and that didn't help me so I had to stop at some point.
Thank you for telling me that Witty Sarcasm because I can’t sleep tonight. I was just on my way to go take some more drugs and catch a few hours of sleep. But it’s just not meant to be. I promised I was going to stop so I’ll do what I used to do - just get up and play some video games. 🤔Maybe I should read my 9th grade history book. That always did the trick :) I hated my father in the end. I forgive him now but I could never be friends with him again if there’s an afterlife. But I could be an acquaintance with no hard feelIngs. You better be sleeping too Witty!!! I worry about you!!!
 

Walker

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#50
And I’m left feeling worthless, that I couldn’t get the job done.
I don't want to bore everyone droning on in your thread but this ^^^ right here is a real thing. We **all** think that when someone we love chooses to die. We all replay the events that led up to it. We all wonder what we could have done differently. We all think about how we weren't "enough" for them or they would still be here. We all ask ourselves countless questions about the entire thing. I get it. But the truth is, and what you can see by being here, is that people hurt so much that we can't hold them doing that against them even if we feel bitter and angry and shit about it. (I know I did .. for a very long time) Sadly, they are gone and we can't do anything about that so holding on to all those feelings only hurts US and no one else. If you can find ways to make peace with it all - eventually, not tomorrow - then you're going to be so much better off my man.
 

SamIAm

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#52
I know what you mean, man. He couldn't see how bad YOU hurt because he hurt so bad and you couldn't see how much HE hurt because you hurt so bad. I don't actually know how much time passed between your mother and father passing but I bet it wasn't very long. You two didn't have time to grieve on your own and get to a place where you could see each others point of view. (and start to lean on each other for support) Sadly he took an unexpected route instead. I'm so sorry you've been through so much.
Walker buddy maybe if I was married when all this happened I would have realized a spouse is more important than a parent. I would have seen what my dad was going through. But they were my life, all I had except work and my brother. But you know I’m getting older, learning a lot about life and I’m glad I don’t hate my father anymore. I forgive him and I’m really grateful to you for showing me how to. I want to believe I can get my life together. The more I’m around you guys the better I’m getting at it :)
 

SamIAm

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#54
I don't want to bore everyone droning on in your thread but this ^^^ right here is a real thing. We **all** think that when someone we love chooses to die. We all replay the events that led up to it. We all wonder what we could have done differently. We all think about how we weren't "enough" for them or they would still be here. We all ask ourselves countless questions about the entire thing. I get it. But the truth is, and what you can see by being here, is that people hurt so much that we can't hold them doing that against them even if we feel bitter and angry and shit about it. (I know I did .. for a very long time) Sadly, they are gone and we can't do anything about that so holding on to all those feelings only hurts US and no one else. If you can find ways to make peace with it all - eventually, not tomorrow - then you're going to be so much better off my man.
Okay bud I’m certain I’ll work through this too with your help and everyone’s support. It’s that worthless feeling that does nag at me. And it’s worthless also in the sense that I wasn’t worth enough to keep him alive. He didn’t really love me or care about me enough to stay alive. All he really lived was my mother. It’s a bad feeling and I’ll work on it. Promise :)
 

SamIAm

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#55
I know what you mean, man. He couldn't see how bad YOU hurt because he hurt so bad and you couldn't see how much HE hurt because you hurt so bad. I don't actually know how much time passed between your mother and father passing but I bet it wasn't very long. You two didn't have time to grieve on your own and get to a place where you could see each others point of view. (and start to lean on each other for support) Sadly he took an unexpected route instead. I'm so sorry you've been through so much.
Thanks buddy for your very kind words. He killed himself almost 2 weeks after my mom died. I had no time to even grieve my mom’s passing. It all sucks but I feel like I’m finally starting to heal tonight. I am so grateful to everyone here and all the help I receive :)
 

SamIAm

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#57
This made me laugh.
There are a lot of ways you can try to find to sleep. Maybe work on some of those that don't involve drugs and alcohol. :)
Thanks buddy for your very kind words. He killed himself almost 2 weeks after my mom died. I had no time to even grieve my mom’s passing. It all sucks but I feel like I’m finally starting to heal tonight. I am so grateful to everyone here and all the help I receive :)
Walker you don’t drone on. You just simply make sense out of what I’m trying to tell you is bothering me. And I appreciate that so much!!! You always try to get to the bottom of things and man it’s so needed with me. It can taken me 10 Months to tell you I feel worthless and another 10 for me to tell you why. You just are like tell me what’s going on and then I can get there. You help me do much!!
 

SamIAm

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#58
Jesus man. There are just no words for how fucked up that is.
See what I mean??? And what do I tell the dude who’s pumping gas next to me and asks me what’s wrong and why I’m crying??? Man I have got to heal fast because these feelings just overwhelm me sometimes you know??! The sadness just comes out of nowhere sometimes. Anyways Walker you better have gotten some sleep tonight. I worry about you. You’re too important to a lot of people to suffer because of all the things people are going through. You rest up fella you hear me??? You have a peaceful morning, relax and I’ll yak at ya later :)
 

Walker

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#59
And what do I tell the dude who’s pumping gas next to me and asks me what’s wrong and why I’m crying?
Is this rhetorical? Is this happening? I would think most people wouldn't ask this. What I would say is "I'm emotional because I've lost 3 family members this year, including both my parents". I think that would get a sympathetic "I'm so sorry" and they'll move along as fast as possible to avoid a crying person.

Anyways Walker you better have gotten some sleep tonight.
I work at night, brother so I'm here all during this time :) When there are lots of people here in the daytime I'm happily snoozing in my bed.

Thanks for being a good guy.
 

Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️

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#60
Thank you for telling me that Witty Sarcasm because I can’t sleep tonight. I was just on my way to go take some more drugs and catch a few hours of sleep. But it’s just not meant to be. I promised I was going to stop so I’ll do what I used to do - just get up and play some video games. 🤔Maybe I should read my 9th grade history book. That always did the trick :) I hated my father in the end. I forgive him now but I could never be friends with him again if there’s an afterlife. But I could be an acquaintance with no hard feelIngs. You better be sleeping too Witty!!! I worry about you!!!
Well, I hope you can find something that works for you. If all else fails, you can always talk to me and you should fall asleep quickly, haha. Once a friend fell asleep when I was talking to him on the phone, but it was because I was being soothing and hopefully not boring. That is a complicated situation and I can understand why you would have lots of mixed feelings about it. I'm up late because I slept too long so I guess I'm just awake now :P
 

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