Hi again, thanks for the reminder. Your last post has a lot of useful information in it.
Okay, so hold on to your drink, my friend. This is gonna be a ride.
I only pulled this small part out because no need to quote the whole text, you already know what's going on.
This is why you're in therapy right? It can only get better from here. This sounds like PTSD of some kind (to me, who knows nothing) but a single event can give you PTSD and certainly a year like you've had can. It's not okay - the stuff you've been through. There's no doubt in my mind how you ended up here at the site. I'm so glad you're still around.
This is really shitty. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Grief makes people say some really awful things sometimes without thinking. I don't want to justify what your dad said to you in any way so please don't hear it like that. I only mean that *he* feels it deeply one way and you feel it deeply another.
Honestly, I think that you had your mother your entire life and he had her for, however many years. Let's say 30. So He had a life and then found your mom and then they had a great time together and that's awesome and it's fricking terrible that it ended because of some stupidass pandemic. He felt like a
romantic relationship trumped her
parental relationship. Which, I imagine, is also why he felt it was 'okay' to kill himself, Sam. He felt like
you, as a grown man, didn't "need" your parents (because that's what he's saying there - "
you didn't need your mom anymore, *I* did")
But you think to yourself, I've had this woman all my life. I was born to her and she took care of me every day and she's been there unconditionally loving me every since then. I don't know what life is like without her. I don't know how to not call her when I want to talk about something or I don't know how to make sure this girl is the right one if I can't run it by my mom, etc.
It's just two very different thought processes (you and your dad). Neither is more right or less right, they're just different. If you want to read about some absolutely heartbreaking shit that presents your fathers side? Check out any of the posts by Fleurise about her husband (like this one
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/five-months-since-my-husband-died.109096/ ) shit will make you cry like a fucking toddler. And I only present that side in an effort to let you release the anger and resentment you have towards your father in some way.