Can someone offer some form of explanation or theory?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by feathers, Jan 14, 2011.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Usually I'm quite good at theorizing about my life and working out why things are as they are... But with this, I am lost.

    This is something I feel infinitely guilty for, but sometimes when I imagine things happening, before they happen, I imagine that I will be torn apart by them for months on end. Like when my nanna was dying last January, I imagined I would be a mess for months (she was my favourite family member, I was very attached to her). But, in reality, it hit me very hard at first, to the point where I was screaming through tears, wanting to die to be with her, but I was only a mess for 2-3 months and then it seemed as though I was fine. However, the pain of this returns every so often as if it happened yesterday and I can't hold myself together, I want to die again to be with her, nothing in my life is good enough without her...

    Now, as some of you may know, at the beginning of this month, I had a miscarriage. Before the miscarriage started, I contemplated what would happen if I DID have one. I assumed the same as above, that I would be a mess, that I would want to kill myself. The same thing happened, although it didn't last as long. I'd cry and scream and feel like my world was falling apart, but now it's as if nothing ever happened, apart from when I get very depressed and it all returns.

    The same patterns tend to repeat themselves. Breaking up with boyfriends - it seems to awful at first and it is hard and scary to bring myself to do it, but then I am fine straight away. Why? Am I heartless? Could this be a borderline trait? I don't know - why don't I mourn in the same way others do? Could it be the underlying problem of my unhappiness? That I still have all this stuff inside as if it just happened, unmourned?

    Thanks for any insight.
    Kaz x
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I can't pretend to know for sure, only you can answer that, but it does seem that you have initial grief and then box it away very securely. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you may be looking for a problem that isn't there - if you still feel grief and cannot express it, then I'd see it as more of an issue and something you need to talk about.

    Hope that makes sense.
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I do talk about it though, I talked about the miscarriage with my boyfriend very much, and then it just... stopped hurting :| Like the pain has been repressed but I can still remember it and it still comes back as real as it was before.

    Thanks for the reply.
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Why can you not talk about it again. If the pain is repressed but not healed then that is not helpful to you or to anyone.
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    We do still talk about it. But I don't talk about it with any feeling because I don't feel anything, if you get what I mean. :/
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I think the best plan would be for you to develop some coping strategies and some people you can rely on for support. If you're managing for most of the time (which you seem to be saying if I'm reading it right) then you need to find ways to deal with things when they're more difficult.
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Yeah thanks, hopefully i'll be taught some when the NHS finally get round to getting me into therapy
  8. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    I must admit i am much the same, i have had some bad things happen yet find myself being unaffected by things.
    Although i do believe its down to my condition (negative schizophrenia,) surely after some of the stuff thats happened i should be fucked up by now and a mess but im not.
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I dont fully understand the condition, but could it be PTSD? I am much the same, fine and the devistated about past events and they effect me hard, and then im fine again.
    Though I believe i am bi polar, so that might be my explanation. I simply dont know, Just thinking out loud here to try help
    :hug: s
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