Can someone please listen to my story and give input?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ddxx123, May 13, 2010.

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  1. ddxx123

    ddxx123 New Member

    I'm a 30 year old female and 2 years ago I moved from one side of the country to the other to live with my boyfriend. I've suffered depression, bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder and severe social anxiety most of my life. I've got two children- my son lives with his dad and I get to see him during the summers and my daughter was being raised by myself and my mom. My mom has always helped me out with my daughter, really doing more of the raising of her than I have. I am just a shi**y mom.

    Before I moved out here, I was in the sex business- an escort... a prostitute essentially. I'd waited tables until I was 22, tried dancing after that but couldn't do it without getting drunk (because of my anxiety) and with no other options I was able to see, I turned to escorting. It allowed me the luxury to make a lot of money in one hour's time, to set my own hours, to work as little as possible for maximum money, and to cancel on anyone I wanted to.

    When I moved out here I was going to continue working in the sex business somehow (maybe not as an escort but something close) and my daughter (who wanted to finish out the school year back in GA) would move out later on, living with my mom until then. I decided not to return to the business, having my boyfriend support me. My mom, daughter, and I were all okay with my daughter staying back there for the most part.

    During the past two years, at least twice I have made plans to return to live in GA, and told my mom and daughter I was going to. They got really excited because they really want me back there, but I broke their hearts when I told them I was staying. This past weekend I did this again- telling them I was going to come live there but backing out...

    Only I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them this yet. My daughter is almost 13 and has her own mental health issues. She is going to be absolutely devastated when she finds out I am not going to go back. I love my daughter so very much and this was the toughest decision I have ever had to make. My family is going to hate me, and they mean the world to me.

    I decided to stay because overall, I have done very well here, especially in regards to my mental health. I am well on my way to getting disability (a long process), I have a number of mental health resources here that just are not available like this back in GA. If I go back to GA, what is going to happen is that I will go back to prostituting myself out, and I'll psyche myself up about it for a couple of months, and once the excitement wears out I will just sink into despair. I see that as my only option back there- getting a job right now, the way I am right now, is just not something I can do. I have tried.

    So essentially I've had to make a decision between my own mental health and well-being and making my family happy. Had I decided to go back it would have been for them. Both possible decisions were both right and wrong, there was no correct option. And I decided to stay here because I can't be a good mother since I can't even take care of myself.

    So where that leaves me is: I have to tell my family. Today. And they are going to be SO hurt and lash out at me and hate me and I just can't stand the thought of this. I just don't know how to tell them. I think they will eventually get over their anger, but between now and then is going to be awful. I don't want them to hate me. I just don't know how I can bring myself to tell them.

    And my daughter's birthday is at the end of the month. My blabbing mouth told my daughter that my return would be her birthday present, and she was SO excited about this. She called me a little while ago and I just couldn't bear to answer the phone. I just don't know how I can go through with this. Please help.
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I think your doing the right thing by looking after yourself, you said it, how can you be a mother if your mental health isnt up to scratch?
    It will hurt them to hear you arent going back, but you've let them down already so maybe in the backs of their minds they're expecting it? Either way they wont hate you forever, and not going back to prostitution is definitely a better choice.
    Look after yourself first, if you dont look after yourself how can you look after anyone else? Your daughter can visit I'm sure, its not like your never going to see her again, and when shes older I'm sure she'll understand what you had to do for yourself
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think if you could just go for a visit to see your daughter on her birthday as one still has to be a mother even if it is just for that day A promise to see her on her birthday should be kept Explain to her in person why you cannot stay but at least she can be happy with the fact you made an effort to come see her and spend time with her on a very special day If you cannot go there maybe have your daughter come visit you on her special birthday turning a teenager. There has to be a way to take her feelings into consideration her mental well being as well as to be considered here. I hope you can do right by her and don't hurt her again as these pains stay a life time with a child call her now let her know whats is up don't drag in on any further.
  4. ddxx123

    ddxx123 New Member

    Thank you both for reading and for the quick replies.

    wheresmysheep- That's a really good point about how they might be kinda expecting it. It is so comforting to be told that it's okay to look out for myself. I would just die back there. I don't think I'll ever be really "happy" but going back to that lifestyle would just be so detrimental to me. It would be great for awhile- I'd be making incredible money, going shopping, taking my daughter shopping, but then I would quickly burn out, as I always have (I've come and gone into that line of work over and over and over). Here there is potential for me to do something with myself.

    violet- Yes, I need to stop beating around the bush and just get the balls and tell them both, my mom and daughter. I am really trying to get up the nerve and will tell them by the end of the day. I do want to be there for her birthday, but I don't even know if she will want me to now. If I go back then they'll both still be angry with me and it will suck. But I will tell my daughter I am coming. If they both really do not want me to, I won't, and I suspect that might be the case. But I will at least keep that part of my word and be there if they will have me.

    Two good things have kinda come out of this at least. 1) While packing, I found the paperwork needed to get a lawyer to help me get disability faster. The previous earnings estimate thingy told me I didn't qualify for SSDI and I thought that was that but yesterday I found a paper- a newer version of the earnings thing saying that I do. And 2) I think this just might be the push I need to take the next step in my therapy. If I'm going to stay here I really need to make the effort to make myself a better person, instead of drifting in apathy as I have been doing.

    Thank you again.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I was going to say the same as violet.....i think a visit on her birthday would be enough for her to see her Mum cares.......hugs
  6. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    It really is best for you to look after your health first. Honestly-- I would never hold it against my mom if that were her reasoning >> although she may hold it against you now because she is still a child- so you really need to explain to her and make it clear about how much pain you were in before- and that the reason has nothing to do with her. You love her very much, yes? Just make sure she knows it and doesn't blame it on herself.

    A visit on her birthday would mean the world. You could do something fun and show her how much you have improved!

    If you are in a good place right now, you need to stay there and focus on making it better for you *and* for your children. I understand that your life must've always been turbulent- struggling to be financially sound enough to look after them and failing to look after yourself... but your babies aren't exactly babies anymore and for you to be a good mother for them as they're teenagers will take some work but will be much easier if you're healthier.

    If you can't see her every day, you should try emails or messenger, or skype even! Getting things in the mail always made me feel kind of special-

    She's going to feel neglected, so you will have to try a bit harder to make it known to her that she is special to you.
    ^^ just saying all of this based on my own experience as a child who saw her parents very little. I had forgiven both of them before I even graduated from highschool. Because they communicated to me how they felt and that they weren't in the best health- I cut 'em some slack~ people are not perfect. No one is. It's a good lesson to learn as a kid; although it might hurt a bit- it doesn't mean that they'll be bitter as adults.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    That is quite a story to read. I am sorry to hear you have such a difficult choice. However, in my opinion you need to come first. It might hurt your family. However, your family will hurt if you are there and miserable. I don't know, I don't have something like this. You could always go back to visit. It may not be quite living there, but it is better than not seeing your family.
  8. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    That was heartbreaking to read...

    Why can't your daughter come live with you guys now? she doesn't want to leave GA?

    She might not realize it, but it's probably for the best you don't go back there if you know your mental health is going to go down the drain... if you go back and that happens, your daughter might be worse off...
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