I'm new here and I bet this has come up before but I couldn't find a thread. I hope it's ok to post this here because I'm really struggling with this right now. I'm trying to understand why I can't turn off the urge to hurt myself. I have attempted twice in the past and I think about it constantly. I started thinking about suicide when I was 11. Since then it's my constant companion. I even see it in my head as a sensuous woman who knows exactly what to say to get my heart racing. I have had many upsets in my life including childhood abuse, career failings, losing family members and a lot of contention in the family I do interact with. I just went the longest I have ever gone in my life without thinking about death all the time. This was a little over a year and a half ago. I had ECT done. It has really changed my life, for instance I'm here trying to talk about it. That would NEVER have happened. The thing is, is that, that woman is back. She makes suicide sound so damn exciting. I can't tell the people I'm around how unstable I feel, mostly because I know people have no idea what to say to a suicidal person and it scares the hell out of them. And sometimes I don't feel unstable, so I think why should I worry them. But lately I feel a shaking deep in my core, that the effort of being positive, energetic and goal directed is pushing me off the cliff into insanity. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to feel. Anything. Anything but this rising of butterflies in my stomach when I think about suicide. That makes me happy. But I don't want to be happy in that way. Does any of this even make sense? What do I do?