I remember being happy, and even when I was happy it was still there, looming over me. I think it's the pessimist in me, always thinking, no matter how happy I am it wont last. Something will always come along to ruin it for me. So I keep it on the back burner.
Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way, one gets through many a bad night". He couldn't be more right, imo.