can';t open up/let people in

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by plates, Feb 3, 2009.

  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    can't be bothered to go into it. generally my trust has been violated over and over and now i feel like i can't trust anyone not even my therapist. (she's doing a case study on me i signed an agreement when i was in a questionable frame of mind 2 years ago).

    yeah. well. don't think i'm ever gonna have a relationship any time soon. i feel like i'm in some kind of twilight zone nightmare with what's gone on with me recently. i've broken up with my gf. and i just feel like i'm in the 'WTF' mode still.

    i find it even difficult to open up threads saying i feel bad so i sit and spew it all in the diary thing . i feel fucking pathetic and how fucking scared i am to let people comfort me or hold me, i just feel 'i can do this all myself' because the times i have let people comfort me, they betray my trust somehow, or in my ex gfs case, when i confronted her about something that upset me, she took it as a good reason to break up with me completely which shows how much she wanted to be with me in the first place?

    i've had no sleep. i'm losing time again. i don't trust my counsellor. my life, generally is going to pieces again and i'll probably sit and mull over my thoughts and post a billion posts screaming to no one for the rest of my fucking life :wink:

    i don't self harm anymore or attempt suicide often, i never have done so seriously, (so doctors think i'm perfectly fine now), i feel no strong urge to self harm (although i have thoughts) and my eating disorder is so much better. but still, it's the suicidal feelings/deprssion which is coming on and its overwhelming me and i just hate that.
     
  2. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i can understand how hard it is to let people in when over and over again when you feel so betrayed but i think that when you get a good feeling about someone you should try, just a little bit, to see how they can take it and to see how you feel about things. it could be you get the shock of your life when you realise they are ok with it and then realise that your saying too much when your feeling just that bit more comfortable with the person. the more you say to someone who you feel kind of understands the more comfortable you will feel. then maybe you can take that to your therapy sessions and open up a bit more there :hug:

    its a good thing that you can write in your diary and the more honest you can be with yourself there then the more honest you could find yourself being to other people x
     
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thank you. thing is i do open up i give them everything because i'm quite unconsciously acting and i find they are taking advantage of me. right now i just feel like closing up and withdrawing. :dunno:

    thank you for your reply.
     
  4. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i do know from experience that just a tiny tiny bit of trust can go a long way to making a good friend and it can also keep you from withdrawing into yourself. try giving a little bit at a time that you are ok with rather than everything because it can be a bit overwhelming to someone who doesnt understand to have everything all at once
     
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    difficulty is i have younger people inside of me that are starved of attention and love and will give that person everything and i'm not in full control of it most of the time.
    what you said is a lot like what my ex gf used to say. thank you for your words.
     
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    All I can say is..... how you feel is very understandable if people have betrayed and violated your trust in the past....but not everyone is like that, and will do that to you. I agree with crookxshanks....you could just gauge how you feel about someone, and let them in at a pace you feel comfortable with.
    It sounds like you want to let people in, because the younger versions of yourself that crave love, and you need help because you're going through a bad time...I think the internet is good for asking for help, showing vulnerability. because if you don't feel comfortable you can just back away, stop communicating.
    But you're not pathetic for feeling the way you do, not at all.
    Sorry I don't have much advice for you, I'm finding it hard to put my thoughts together,but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you ever need me.