Can the beauty in life outweigh my sadness?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by AirN, Apr 22, 2008.

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  1. AirN

    AirN New Member

    I can't begin thinking of anything to write, so I sit here with tears in my eyes, and blood running down my arm after I cut myself from not being able to control my anger. The best way to start I guess is at the beginning.

    I grew up in a family of three other siblings, along with both of my parents. At first we didn't have much money, but after we moved to where I am now about 13 years ago, life became great. I had a lot of friends up until third grade, top grade student. Never missed any homework and always did the best. Friends would come over and we'd play outside, or I would stay home and be with my family. When I was in fourth grade, at the time being 10, it was a normal day then I came home and saw a lot of bags packed. It didn't take me long to realize that my mother was leaving, but I couldn't understand why. She always seemed so loving for everyone, and I cared for her the most out of all of my siblings (me being the youngest of the kids). Soon afterwards I stopped hanging out with all of my friends, didn't go outside as much, and my grades dropped. I met a new friend, someone who shared the same kind of sadness, but couldn't express it to anyone.

    We hung out at each other's house's almost everyday after school even though we lived a 10 minute car drive apart. He is smart, funny, and can tell whenever I'm not feeling well. Life continued; in middle school my grades kept dropping, I would fail one out of every four classes I took. Days at a time I would not go to school; just stay in my room and sleep or cry. Eventually my father noticed when the school called him enough and he took me to a counselor that helped my sister get over her cutting problems and depression.

    It didn't help. A whole month of two visits a week and nothing changed in me at all. Later in middle school my best friend started dating. He chose a bad person, she would talk to him for at least five hours a day, every day. That put a divider in our friendship: I barely talked to him anymore because she would not stop calling, and that affected him to not want to do anything, even talk to me. A year went by and they eventually split up, we started talking more and hanging out more things were getting near to how as they were before.

    During the summer break of eighth grade, my best friend and I walked around town with another kid, who hardly anyone liked because of his conniving personality, and we were wrong to go with him. He broke into some stores, destroyed some school property then we got in trouble also. 3 months of community service and 6 months of not being able to go to school. All the while my depression got stronger. A year go by, my grades are still shit. Then I started dating someone. Things were going fine for the few months that we were dating. I couldn't see her so much because she lived an hour away, but we talked everyday. Eventually we broke up because of reasons I still can't fully comprehend to today. I always loved her then and still do now. My friend starts dating again, process repeats except this time this new girlfriend visits him more than the previous; so now I have less visit time with my friend. The sadness and anger grows even stronger in me. In the 12th year of school, I wrote some things on a paper and got kicked out of the school (I was offered to do online courses to finish up my schooling, but they wanted $400+ a class, and I needed to do 10 classes to make up). I didn't do those classes.

    After I got kicked out, I have been sitting here in my house with just my father now. My sister moved into college a couple of years ago, my oldest brother moved out a while ago, and my older brother is living in New Orleans.

    It's been a year and a half since I got kicked out, and I have not done anything. What can I possibly do? I've wanted to get a job and save up money for so long, but I'm scared of doing anything. My past relationship is still lingering in my mind years later, my best friend is slowly being torn farther away from me, all of my siblings don't live here anymore, and each passing day gets lonelier and lonelier. Being in a depression for the last 7-8 years and not talking to anyone about it is starting to come out, as I can guess by the cuts and blood on my arms. I told my oldest brother an hour ago that I cut myself, and he's going to stop by after work. I just don't know what to do anymore...
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Did your brother come by and were you able to open up to him? I hope so. It's rough going through this alone. I hope by sharing here you get a little relief from these overwhelming feelings.
     
  3. AirN

    AirN New Member

    He stopped by and we talked for about an hour, I said what was on my mind for a while so it felt pretty good. After he left my dad talked to me about life in general, and it itself. So I think now I have a pretty good start on handling my emotions that have been uncontrollable for so long. I naturally have a crappy short term memory so I'm going to have to write reminders about what to do. Hah, the beginning of breaking my laziness. Cheers ; )
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i write everything down, too! it's pretty funny. i sit there after therapy and write down "important notes to myself" in a little notebook. i also keep lists....top of the daily "to do" list on my computer is "do not harm yourself. no exceptions" all the way down to "go for walk." they really help when my thinking is disordered and i don't know what to do -- i just look at the list and do what it says....
     
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