Can you believe I typed all of this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MsMoonshine, Mar 21, 2011.

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  1. MsMoonshine

    MsMoonshine New Member

    My self worth is deteriorating. I’m feeling ignored, worthless, hopeless, lost, and for the most part miserable. For the last few days I’ve been on the fence about cutting again. I want to so bad it makes my arms ache. But, then I remember what my life was like when I did cut. It wasn’t much better than this. I feel utterly alone. Nothing seems to console me anymore. I spend my days at home and barely talk to anyone. The most social interaction I’ve gotten in nearly 3 weeks is work. Even then I don’t say a whole lot of anything. Nothing that matters anyway. I’m having a hard time dealing with the break up with Kyle. Although, that’s not why I’m like this. Not entirely anyway. It’s a much bigger issue that Kyle. It’s just the break up with xxxx was just terrible timing.

    I don’t understand why I’m spiraling downward like this. If anything my life should be looking up. I have a job, as shitty as it is it’s a job, and I’m saving up to buy a car. I should be happy. Right? I feel like I’ve lost all direction. It’s a shame, because just a month or so ago I was so happy that I found it, somehow it disappeared and left me alone. Trying not to cry and hate myself is a growing struggle everyday now. I wake up in a terrible mood. I’m unhappy with every aspect of my life. So badly do I want to just tell everything to someone. But I feel like I have no one who will sit down and really listen. What I want most is for everything to just go back to normal. I want my friends back, my boyfriend back, my life back. Everything. I want it all back. The only thing stopping me from cutting is the fact that if someone sees it, they will ask questions or be disappointed with me and leave forever.

    I’ve gone through every name of every person I know and thought about going to them about all this, but not a single person comes to mind. If I go to any of my friends they will think I’m like this because of the break up. It’s not just the break up, I promise you. So badly do I just want to let everything go and start over. So why don’t I? Because I’m terrified. I’m not as strong as Kyle says and thinks. I’m not as strong as anyone thinks I am. I’m possibly the weakest person they would ever meet. I struggle with every emotion everyday. All I want is to be happy again. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what caused me to fall and shatter like this. I feel so broken… I’m scared I’m not going to make it through this in one piece. I’m trying so hard to go out and see people. I’m just trying so hard to enjoy my life and think positively. Things will get better, life will start looking up I just have to give it time, everything will be ok; that’s what I’m suppose to tell myself right? I’m just so tired of trying and life blowing up in my face. I’m exhausted. This entire mental explosion has caused me to fall and I’m not sure if it’s worth getting up yet or not. I think I might just stay here on the ground for a little while longer. I’m going to keep working, and continue waking up in the morning(as much as I really don’t want to), but I have yet to decide it’s all this effort is worth it when nothing is working in my favor. I will give it more time, but I don’t know if I will make it out of this alive. I just don’t want to try anymore.

    I’m being ignored by my friends, my family doesn’t seem to notice and I’m hiding everything from Kyle. God if he knew anything of this… I’ve debated on calling him and telling him everything, but he would be just so disappointed in me and I don’t know if I can deal with that right now. Plus, I don’t want him to think that all this was caused by the break up. That’s the last thing I want. So I will continue to keep my mouth shut, I will continue to hang out and see people when they want to see me(which isn’t all that often anymore). It’s funny, I used to go out nearly every night and hang out with people every night. I wouldn’t come home for a week and a half at a time. Now… now I rarely leave the house except to go to and from work. I have no life now. I’m a pathetic excuse for a person now. I make myself sick. I’m slowly discovering I really am worthless. I’m 20 years old and I’m already proving my time here may be done. I always hoped that I would do something great and have amazing memories. Like my friends. They all have such great summer memories. I have nothing close to that. I’ve been alone most of my life. How sad is that?

    The more I think about it the more I accept that if I were to leave, disappear, move away forever without ever telling a single person I left, I wouldn’t miss a damn thing. I wouldn’t be terribly missed. I might be for a little while, but I never did anything that would cause someone to remember my name after I was gone. It’s no different now than it was then. I don’t have a face that could be picked out of a crowd, I’m not beautiful, I don’t have a memorable personality, I never did anything amazing, and I’m not great. I don’t have any crazy stories to share, I don’t have incredible memories to reminisce with someone close, not like everyone else. I’m too small for any of that. I don’t even know why I’m typing all of this out, no one will ever read it much less care if they did. I don’t know how to ask for help. I don’t know how to confront someone I love and tell them all this. Even if It did figure that out, I’d feel terrible for unloading all of this on them. I’d just become a burden. That depressed friend that everyone got tired of cheering up. I’d become the girl that somehow pushed everyone away because she doesn’t know how to deal with her own minuscule issues.

    To everyone I know, I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you all believed I was.

    I'm pretty sure I'll be ignored on here too...
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2011
  2. Hellfrost

    Hellfrost Well-Known Member

    Well that took a little while to read. First off let me start by saying; talk to your doctor. He might be able to direct you to an specialist where you can get the help you need. And don't be a ashamed of that either, everybody needs a helping hand now and then.

    Also I would suggest informing a family member of your situation, they won't judge you or think its because of the break up. When push comes to shove family usually sticks together. It doesnt matter if its a father, aunt, uncle, nephew. Heck you can even go talk to your neighbor, just talk to somone familiar, who truely knows you.

    Someone can easily get the idea that they are being ignored, especially when you pay attention to it. But I am 100% sure that your friends love you a lot and if they knew what you where going through they would be there for you to give you tons of hugs and lend you an ear. So, go talk to them. I can't stress that enough. And if even after all of that you still need someone else to talk to, there are plenty of people on here who will listen, just go on chat. There is bound to be someone there who can help you.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    when we are depressed we isolate. then when we don't see our friends we decide we wouldn't be missed, after all. it's a self fulfilling prophecy. none of it is true. you matter to your friends, and you matter to your family. they would be devastated if they were to lose you.

    please get some help with your depression. there are meds that work. there's talk therapy. there's even the crisis line when you're feeling really desperate. i've used all three. it does get better. i believe in you...
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...and no, you will not be ignored...please PM me if you want to 'talk' and know there are ppl who care...J
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you see people care here i hope you continue to write because it helps to get all those thoughts out in the open hugs to you Please reach out okay to get some help with your sadness your regular doctor can help you with that :hugtackles::hugtackles:
  6. ashcrostep

    ashcrostep Active Member

    Wow reading this was like reading my own thoughts and feelings. I can totally empathise with your feeling right now. But then again I also have good days when things dont seem too bad. The idea is to make the good days outweigh the bad ones.
    If you ever need to chat then I am here for you, as are a lot of people!
  7. MsMoonshine

    MsMoonshine New Member

    I can't seem to have any good days. I don't have any medical insurance to go see a doctor. I'm terrified to talk to anyone about this and I'm slowly giving up.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Any councellors you can talk to at your school hun Sometimes university students will take pt on at a lower rate that are study psychology You need to talk okay You can pick up a phone and talk to crisis line okay the people on these lines have great advice and can give you some direction to go to for help okay They can maybe get you on some medical benefits Call okay they will help you hugs
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    if you had a broken leg would you delay going to the doctor? well this is the same thing, just with your mind. take some of that money you are saving towards a car and get medical help. you *can* feel better, meds are just a start. it's worth it. you don't have to keep suffering.
  10. ParodoxialShadow

    ParodoxialShadow Active Member

    I believe I speak for everyone here when I say that, here, you will NOT BE IGNORED. AT ALL. Here, you can tell all, make friends, learn ways to cope, and above all, make friends. Yes, I said that twice. Because everyone needs friends, especially friends they can talk to. I have noone outside of SF, but here? Here i have EVERYONE.

    So, keep talking ;) We'll be here to listen.
  11. Permalba Doh

    Permalba Doh New Member

    I feel terrified all of the time too, I go back to the easiest thing for me playing video games.
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