Can you force attraction or change your perception of it?

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    In other words, can you push yourself into being physically attracted to someone?

    I have ALWAYS wondered this. Mainly because I am - personally - so disillusioned with what I view as being attractive.

    I am so typical, I hate it! I regularly meet men who are sweet and kind, thoughtful and smart, well dressed and polite and on paper would make a great husband or boyfriend. But I just do not fancy them.

    My mother and aunts (and all of the older women in my family) regularly say things like "oh if I could go back in time I'd pick that guy who really loved me. The sweet kind one instead of the attractive bastard who I ended up with". And they all laugh and have rounds of 'here here' etc.

    And it makes me think! I'm exactly the same, attracted to those good looking assholes who will go on to treat me like dirt and I am bored of it. I want to pick the nice guy, I want to date the sweet guy, the nerdy guy, the polite guy, the one who looks good on paper. I just don't know how I can start making him look good to ME.

    Is it even possible to change your perception of what is attractive? And how do we form attraction anyway? Surely it's something that has been imprinted onto our brains somehow, because personally my views on attraction have changed drastically over the last twenty years, so there must be a way to change it yet still, right?

  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    How well do you know the nice guys? That may be the key for you, give your self a chance to get to know them.
  3. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Over the years a lot of them have been good friends, so I've known them quite well. But they've been just that - friends. I could never see them being anything more sadly.
  4. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    I think it's human nature to be attracted to the wrong types. You can try as hard as you like to find the nerdy, nice ones physically attractive, but if the va-va-voom ain't there, it ain't there.

    It's sods law as they say around here.

    Not very refreshing, but that's just how I see it. :unsure: It's just human nature.
  5. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Sure you can, with therapy. A lot of people are attracted to toxic people, that doesnt mean it is normal. Like you said your family is like that, so you learned it from them. Maybe talk to a good therapist about this(one that you click with). See if you can get to the root of why you actually feel this way.
  6. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Well, "nice guys" can be rather bland and boring. They need to step up and find an edge to their personality in order to be more intriguing to others.

    They bear much of the responsibility for their predicament.
  7. Zoe

    Zoe Well-Known Member

    In my experience some physical attraction has to be there to maintain an intimate relationship.

    A good sense of humour, kindness, loyalty etc will heighten physical attraction but can never replace it.

    You just need to be lucky enough to find this and that he also appeals in the looks department!

    It's alluded me thus far!

    I don't believe the pish about nice guys finishing last.
  8. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    By actually going out with one of them. Hopefully, one of the good ones. I noticed that your mother and aunts want to choose kindness over attraction, yet you added the idea that you'd want to be attracted to a nice guy. I think it's missing the point a little. You probably wont become infatuated with a guy who treats you well but there's more to love than that.

    You can think of it as making an investment. No one wants the long term, low risk, good gain investment because there's no instant gratification. It's much more exciting to put half your savings into a slot machine, hoping for a big jackpot but also risking walking away poor like 90% of your fellow gamblers.
  9. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Probably not.

    I might be off the mark here, but you sound somewhat similar to me. You know those asshole guys don't really like you. And that's what turns you on. Knowing a guy will faun over you, will treat you well .. it's boring. You know you can control them. You know you can say anything without consequence. You notice their faults more.

    I'm the same with women. As soon as one likes me, I'm instantly less attracted. Something clicks. They don't look as good. They don't even smell as good. I begin to feel repulsed by them. I treat them poorly. The sexual attraction fades.

    It's different with stuck up bitchy women. I find them really hot, however much I don't like their personality. I like the idea of them using me just for sex. I like the idea that they don't want to cuddle afterward because they have no feelings for me. And funnily enough, that makes me want to hold them! But, if a girl is attached to me.... If she loves looking into my eyes... If she wants to hold me after sex.... If she really likes me I said, something clicks and I'm not interested. Suddenly she's meh. I want her to go away and leave me alone. I become that asshole that you like. It's a cycle.

    It sucks, but that is just how it is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2009
  10. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    God, it freaks me out but that makes a lot of sense. :(
  11. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Yeah. The last girl I was with ... for whatever reason, believe it or not really liked me. She was nice. But that's what made it boring. She wasn't sexy. Arrogance and mild disinterest (without being a complete bitch) is sexy.

    It got to the point where I couldn't even kiss her I felt so removed and apathetic toward her ... whenever I was around her it felt like she was just a burden. Even though I might have been horny, her touching me was just an invasion of my personal space. Even if you like the personality of the nice guys, I'd imagine you'd react in a similar way since there's just no attraction or spark there. It's just how our brains work. And again ... I don't really think it can be deliberatly changed, although it may with time I guess.

    I don't think all hope is lost though, hopefully we can find a happy medium, with a partner who likes us .... but just not too much ... lol
  12. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    I think for me it is more trust and feel thing than what kind of look someone have. I do not mind if he looks like Rick Mora but if my hunk-god is bastard I rather keep his picture on my wall and throw the guy out.

    I can not easily think I could talk with guy or nothing more. I do not feel any kind of lust for men, more like fear, almost panic and horror. Some have to do years after years work than he could even hold my hand or hug me. It will no help is look is good my fears go first anyway. I do not think there is guy for me and my fears (that is why I have got my imagenation man). I also think is better on that way even I suffer alone.

    No forced attraction for me. No either ways.
  13. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I dunno, I'm gonna take back what I said a little because my issue is not with the guys I am attracted to being bastards, my issue is my attraction is so stereotypical. I've dated two guys (albeit briefly) who were both drop dead gorgeous and VERY interested, overly nice etc. For me that was perfect, everything I wanted. If a guy looked like Justin Timberlake and was a complete sweetheart and another looked like... I dunno, Simon Cowell and was an asshole. Well I'm attracted to both Simon Cowell and Justin Timberlake, although JT waaay more. Now am I going to pick Simon Cowell because he is going to treat me mean to keep me keen? Heck no! I'm going to pick whoever is better looking, every time, no matter what.
    My problem is I'm sick of being so looks orientated. It holds me back, I want to see someones personality more because it's the one thing I always complain about when guys meet me!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2009
  14. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I have just realised that I am almost saying all attractive men are assholes here. Hmm...?
  15. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I see what you're saying, and I actually agree. Maybe I've been overanalyzing. I've never had a girl that I was, from the get go, very physically attracted to be very interested in me back ... I've kind of just gone with what I could get. Maybe it would be different if I felt some attraction there first, and she liked me back. Who am I kidding, of course it would be different ....

    But now I think we're talking about two different things, because I have no problem with being looks oriented....

    Yet you say you've been with 2 guys who were drop dead gorgeous... which you've since stopped seeing. Clearly it isn't just looks that matter to you.
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