There's something I wish I could tell my pdoc, the one who does meds and brain stimulation with me, but I can't, so I've been beating around the bush about it. I sent him this email. My therapist, who counsels me and knows all about what I wish I could tell the pdoc, says my cryptic emails are probably confusing him. Do you think the pdoc would be very confused by this email? Can you guess what I'm beating around the bush about from this? What do you think he would think about this? (If you know what I'm talking about from reading other posts by me, then no saying so. I want people who don't know from reading my past posts, to tell me if they have any idea at all what I'm talking about.) I will tell you later what I'm talking about. The email to the pdoc: I would say I have totally left the real world at times. I'm not sure if I was really happy there though. It was more like I was trying to figure out what went wrong, to solve the puzzle of my life, that if somehow I could do that, then I could make the rest of it go right. I was reliving, not just remembering, some really messed up situations and trying to figure out how I could have made them go better. I think it started when I began to run into a similar situation again and didn't know what to do about it. So I did nothing and just got depressed and started ruminating over what happened in the past with similar things. The situation I'm talking about is kind of rare and especially rare for 'it' to be mutual with another person, but when I do run across one of these rare people, maybe once a decade, it's both utterly fascinating and a terrible disaster. So I go over all my experiences trying to figure out how to prevent the disaster without having to just completely hide or ignore 'it' (the thing I try to hide and ignore).. Unfortunately, I've gone back to just hiding and ignoring 'it' because I just haven't been able to figure out how to use it, not even after a year of rumination over it, so maybe I never will. Just another thing to be hopeless about. It leaves me feeling isolated, alienated and just too different for anyone to ever understand--except of course those rare people. But instead of finding some real company for once in my life , it just turns into a disaster. Oh the futility of it all. Where is my home planet? Would someone please take me back there because I've obviously been born on the wrong one and left here alone.