Can you guess what I'm talking about from this?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by AlienBeing, Sep 21, 2012.

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  1. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    There's something I wish I could tell my pdoc, the one who does meds and brain stimulation with me, but I can't, so I've been beating around the bush about it. I sent him this email. My therapist, who counsels me and knows all about what I wish I could tell the pdoc, says my cryptic emails are probably confusing him. Do you think the pdoc would be very confused by this email? Can you guess what I'm beating around the bush about from this? What do you think he would think about this? (If you know what I'm talking about from reading other posts by me, then no saying so. I want people who don't know from reading my past posts, to tell me if they have any idea at all what I'm talking about.) I will tell you later what I'm talking about.


    The email to the pdoc:

    I would say I have totally left the real world at times. I'm not sure if I was really happy there though. It was more like I was trying to figure out what went wrong, to solve the puzzle of my life, that if somehow I could do that, then I could make the rest of it go right. I was reliving, not just remembering, some really messed up situations and trying to figure out how I could have made them go better. I think it started when I began to run into a similar situation again and didn't know what to do about it. So I did nothing and just got depressed and started ruminating over what happened in the past with similar things.

    The situation I'm talking about is kind of rare and especially rare for 'it' to be mutual with another person, but when I do run across one of these rare people, maybe once a decade, it's both utterly fascinating and a terrible disaster. So I go over all my experiences trying to figure out how to prevent the disaster without having to just completely hide or ignore 'it' (the thing I try to hide and ignore).. Unfortunately, I've gone back to just hiding and ignoring 'it' because I just haven't been able to figure out how to use it, not even after a year of rumination over it, so maybe I never will. Just another thing to be hopeless about. It leaves me feeling isolated, alienated and just too different for anyone to ever understand--except of course those rare people. But instead of finding some real company for once in my life , it just turns into a disaster. Oh the futility of it all. Where is my home planet? Would someone please take me back there because I've obviously been born on the wrong one and left here alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am a very intuitive person, and I felt like an alien because of it...we all see the world differently, different perceptions and interpretations of these perceptions...but yes, this could be seen as unclear...is it possible to be more explicit about what you are experiencing so your pdoc could be more helpful?
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I could hazard a guess, but it would only be a guess (likely a good one however).... that being said, most pdoc do not want to make guesses or assumptions, they want facts and part of the therapeutic value is in saying these facts outright. I do not think it likely that even if he had a guess and was right he would share that with you, and and would try to leave it out of his diagnostic tool kit as it would only be an assumption. In the world of the pdoc plenty of guessing and assumption already take place without them adding more unnecessarily.
     
  4. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I don't think it would be helpful to tell him more. He's really, really rational and scientific. He's part researcher and part doctor in fact, doing research on and treating people with severe treatment resistant depression and severe schizophrenia. I'm highly scientific and rational too, so I like that about him. In fact, I'm so not prone to believing the irrational, that I'm an atheist. I think religion is one giant mass delusion. But I just have these personal experiences with other people sometimes, that can't be refuted. They happen and they are confirmed by the other person. So the person it's happening with is just stunned and amazed and doesn't think I'm crazy at all. But I'm never going to convince the pdoc of that, not without incontrovertible personal proof, which he might still try to write off as impossible in every way possible, because it just goes beyond everything he currently believes. It will be extremely hard to convince him. He will start suspecting that I'm psychotic when I'm not. I've never had that diagnosis or been treated for it, even after telling my therapist all about it. My therapist is still doubtful because I can't prove it to him, but he doesn't think I need medication for psychosis, lol. (Actually, that might not be correct. He might think that I have a single, harmless, fixed delusion that there's no point in getting too excited about.) I think one day I might be able to prove it to the pdoc because I think he might be one of those people it's mutual with, but he doesn't know it. It would have to be incontrovertible proof though. Ok, I'll tell you. I'm waiting for the day he thinks something really strange, that I could never guess, so that I can reply to it and shock him all to hell. This is how I prove to people that I can read their minds. You see, I'm telepathic with some people. Really. And people believe me when I manage to do that. And there are people who are also telepathic back, even more rarely, but usually don't know it until I can prove it to them by telling them the conversation we were having with each other in our heads that they thought they were only imagining. I think the pdoc might be one of those people too but I'm not entirely sure yet and I don't see him that much anymore since I stopped participating in his clinical trial. I only see him every two or three weeks for a med check, so I don't know if it's even worth getting into. And as I've said before, even when I prove it, being mutually telepathic with someone and both people knowing it, always seems to turn into a disaster. It just never goes well. But I'm like a moth to a flame with my fascination with it, on the rare, rare occasions that I come across it. I was told by another telepath once to keep it quiet and just use it to my advantage as much as possible. He is a chemistry prof and is much more comfortable with it than I've ever been. He was in fact the only person I've ever met who did it to me first--pointed out to me that we were talking telepathically. But things went badly with him too after awhile so I'm reluctant to get involved with it again. I think maybe, I should do what he says and just stay quiet about it. I don't know why I want to tell this pdoc because obviously I do or I wouldn't be beating around the bush about it. I guess it's the connection I have with him and the way he's always so understanding. But he's not going to understand this easily. I know that for a fact. Arggh. I should just leave it alone. But I'm not leaving it alone am I? I'm sending him cryptic messages and perseverating about it here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2012
  5. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Replying to one's own thread is just so sad. Anyway I ended up sending him this email. totally against my better judgement. I must truly be insane to do it.

    From a forum member about my cryptic email to you:

    Is it possible to be more explicit about what you are experiencing so your pdoc could be more helpful?

    Me:

    I don't think it would be helpful to tell him more. He's really, really rational and scientific. He's part researcher and part doctor. I'm highly scientific and rational too, so I like that about him. In fact, I'm so not prone to believing the irrational, that I'm an atheist. I think religion is one giant mass delusion. But I just have these personal experiences with other people sometimes, that can't be refuted. They happen and they are confirmed by the other person. So the person it's happening with is just stunned and amazed and doesn't think I'm crazy at all. But I'm never going to convince the pdoc of that, not without giving him incontrovertible personal proof, which he might still try to write off as impossible because it just goes against everything he believes. It will be extremely hard to convince him. He will start suspecting that I'm psychotic when I'm not.

    I don't know why I want to tell this pdoc, because obviously I do, or I wouldn't be beating around the bush about it. I guess it's the connection I have with him and the way he's always so understanding. But he's not going to understand this. I know that for a fact. Arggh. I should just leave it alone. But I'm not leaving it alone am I? I'm sending him cryptic messages and perseverating about it.

    Perhaps that's the really crazy part--the perseveration on it and believing it's a source of huge problems in my life. The others I've met who have it seem to do just fine with it--well --until they met me, the first person they'd ever met that it was mutual with, and all hell broke loose with it, lol. That's not even true actually. They also reported some problems with it. In fact, the chem prof got into HUGE trouble with it with the university one time. His advice to me was to hide it and just use it to my advantage. I guess I should take that advice and leave it alone. The pdoc has to be the absolutely worst person I could possibly start talking to about this.

    --------------------------------------

    Why am I doing this? Stop, stop already. This is such a bad idea to send this to you, it's not even funny. Argh, I think I'm going to anyway.

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    Yeah, so that's what I sent him. He's going to think I'm nuts. He's pretty nice about me sending him the strangest things via email, but he's going to think I'm nuts over this.
    My therapist is gay, and I made an analogy to him that it's kind of like being gay was back in the 50's when people thought gays were crazy and they had to hide it a lot. The person might hide it so much that they would get married, have kids etc. Then maybe one day he runs into another gay person and finds a real connection to that person that he's never had with anyone else. But how problematic is that? A lot of scenarios could result from that, one of which might be that the whole thing goes very bad and one or both of them run from the relationship out of fear of so many things. One of those fears might be of the kind of intimacy they have never experienced before. Believe me, knowing each other's every thought is very, very freaky and scary and most of the time I just couldn't handle the lack of privacy and so would run, run, run. And then I would regret it later. I told my therapist that there are far more telepaths out there than we know about because they are in the closet like gay people. And many of them are not even out to themselves about it. It's only when they meet someone like me, a fellow telepath, that they become aware of it. And just like a gay person becoming aware of their true sexual identity in the 50's, they are really freaked out by it. People will surely think them to be a freak. And they do. Normal people, even the one's I could read and could prove it to, thought I was a weird freak and ran from me when I revealed it to them.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    In reference to original post , was very very far off so yes, confusing as i am very intuitive and often can often (98%) read between lines to discern true intent or issue.
     
  7. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Oh no. Maybe he thinks the same thing. What did you think it was? (You can PM me if you don't want to say on the forum.)

    On the other hand, he's not starting from complete scratch in guessing what I might be talking about because during my intake interview with his research assistant for the clinical trial, she asked if I'd ever had any unusual experiences that couldn't be explained (or something to that effect) and I mentioned reading teachers' minds in high school and that they would confirm that I had. She asked if it had happened since then and I paused, and paused than said, "No" kind of unconvincingly because I didn't want to get excluded from the clinical trial for having something other than pure depression. Anyway, later on a couple of times the pdoc said something that made me think he might be trying to convince me that I couldn't read his mind when I didn't think I was at the time anyway and I wondered if it was because of that. Like I think I said something like, "I hope you don't think...etc." as a kind of expression people use, not because I was reading his mind. He kind of got all excited and said, "I wasn't thinking that!" I mean like he was trying to disprove something to me. I just frowned and thought sheesh, it's just an expression. He stopped doing that after awhile but it might come back to him as something strange that I said in the interview.

    I wonder what I would do if he guessed what I was talking about correctly. I might have tell him he was right because I'd feel pretty stupid lying to him after perseverating all over his email about it. If he asks me to explain, (and he might not, as he tends to not comment on strange things I've said by email), I would probably just say to forget I ever mentioned it, that it was a bad idea to say anything to begin with about it, just forget it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2012
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