Can you help me understand?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by demuredawn, Dec 28, 2013.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Sitting here in tears atm... trying to figure out a few things:

    1. Why am I always told that I am less than... or at least made to feel that way?
    2. Why do I seem to have to always live by the rule "dont speak about your problems" and watch while others do and are able to get help/support?
    3. What did I do in my life that was so bad I deserve to be punished the rest of my life for it?
    4. How would suicide really be somehow worse than what I already feel?
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demure, who or what is making you think or feel the way you are?
     
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    some stuff happened in chat that i've been advised not to talk about so i won't.... but i dont understand, not at all....

    how do you deal with it when ppl tell you that your problems are only there b/c you allow them to be when in reality there are sooo many reasons you can't just simply choose to make it different and snap your fingers and have it be so?

    how do you deal with it when ppl are cruel to you and you are told that its not really cruelty and you just have to accept it?

    how do you deal with it when you feel like its safer just to keep your mouth shut and let everyone think you have no problems when inside you are dieing?
     
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Dawn, I have always believed that I am inferior, close to worthless. I have always been afraid to really discuss it in any kind depth with anyone. I also wonder what I did that was so wrong that I deserve to be where I am.

    But I wonder, too, am I the one who is making me feel this way. Can't I ignore the messages I get from others. But then that puts the blame back on me. Either way, it sucks. And part of me believes that it will always be this way. But I get up every morning, and keep trying. It sounds like you do the same.

    I get it, that you can't just up and walk away from your spouse. You need the financial support he brings. You fear both financial and physical consequences. But can you take any small steps that may eventually enable you to leave? Save some money, find a job (and hide it from him), get some skills that will allow you to live on your own. Maybe search the internet for places you could eventually move to, that would be far from him. It might take several years to accomplish the move, but just knowing you are working towards it could help.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demuredawn, I'm so sorry you're so hurt. I hate it when people downplay and disregard your feelings. We need to be validated that our feelings are real, no matter what it is that upsets us. We all need to feel understood and accepted as a person going through tough times. Rejection is hard to take and nobody deserves to be neglected and blamed for their issues that are so sensitive and real to them. I hope you will find other people and methods to reach out and process your feelings and thoughts. But don't let anyone put you down and make you feel like shit. You're a good person and deserve only great things. Hope I made sense to you. Hugs
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ty mpang and she bear...

    she bear, honestly thats kinda what i am trying to do... but the ramnifications of leaving are not just physical and financial... there is an emotional aspect too becasue of my borderline personality that complicates things further.... and i dont want to get into all the details of that on this thread, but i have spoke about most of it on other threads ... i will just keep it short by saying, its not that i'm closed off to the idea of leaving, but it truly needs to be a way that is acceptable to me and that i'm not going to feel so guilty about doing that i end up in suicide... i mean really, whats the point in me leaving just to off myself? ... or in me having to look over my shoulder the rest of my life wondering when he will exact his revenge on me for leaving
     
  7. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Dawn it comes down to people being clueless and uninformed. Many seem to view these sorts of problems on the same level as if it is some sort of soap opera with a neat resolution of simplicity. It pretty much is victim blaming regardless of how well intentioned. It seems obvious in some peoples minds, if it is that bad leave then. You are not leaving, clearly you want to be brutalised then...

    They do not seem to grasp the full weight of psychological chains and prison walls and the stalking haunting jailer that has also moved into your mind and casts a fearsome shadow. I have seen this countless times before. Unless a person has experienced it themselves they will not understand they just see the obvious. Get out.

    You are so torn down, if this was a physical comparison you are in a near coma, you need intensive care. If you were in England I would be trying to help you directly. But as it is America I know nothing and cannot promise a safe landing while operating in the dark. What people seem to not realise, is that homelessness is just as dangerous and some shelters are not worth the charitable status they are given.

    This is my advice to you Dawn. Every time some one is dismissing the hardship and terror you face. Hold onto the thought you are in a near coma and they are demanding you climb mount Everest with no supplies, no plan, and no field guide, with no guarantee of even a base camp. You also haven’t even climbed a small mountain. In that light of absurdity you will be reminded how absurd it is. Secondly state something along the lines of. “You are uninformed. If you wish to continue this discussion please watch the following.” Then give them that link. Its very tempting to become defensive but you have to educate people Dawn, to even slightly get to a level of understanding inform the uninformed. If people cannot even give you that much, they are not worth your time energy or emotion. You already have one life sucking vampire in your life you can't afford to feed more.

    Finally turn the topic round ask them what they would do in your situation. Ask them what steps they would take. Get them to start at the very beginning if they just say go to a shelter, ask them what you should take, how do you get there with no money, should you hitchhike, should I get the police involved even though my husband just makes out I am mad? Then have them answer each obstacle. If all they can give you is generalisations they are again not worth your time, pointing out Everest is tall is useless, it is like pointing out the ocean is wet. But maybe they do have some practical steps, maybe they are capable of problem solving in ways you have yet to think of. Maybe in forcing them to think about it and asking them to give you a solution made up of understandable steps. You may be able to build a grounded plan. Then maybe you will get somewhere. Maybe you will encounter people more in the know of how your system works, how to leverage it to deliver what it should. Maybe you will fail but you may educate some in the process and maybe along the way a plan will build.

    That is my hope at least. Also Dawn in my observation, you are far too open and trusting. In open chat it may be best you don't go quite so fully into the details, just generalise, if a person wants to know more feel them out first, ask them what they know. Then resort to private discussions. Get to know people individually, then you will find SF is sustenance for you, an infusion of much needed blood as you reminded people do care and think fondly of you. You may be blind to the fondness around you Dawn. Look at that as well. Also Rid yourself of vampires. The public domain is not a safe one when you already feel so vulnerable. They just reinforce your negative chatter, 'you are weak, you deserve this, this is your fault.' The fact you even entertain the notion that such thoughts are true tells me you are suffering from psychological distortions. Learned Helplessness, Battered wife syndrome, Stockholme syndrome. You exhibit signs of all of those. You need care and compassion, and nurturing approach to build up your strength, not more vampires.

    This is how you spot a Vampire. If you feel like you must defend your own life experiences and you feel upset and vilified like it all is just your fault. Then you are dealing with a vampire. So break out the *garlic. Flat out tell them, you do not have to justify your life to them, please change the topic. If they persist and you do not wish to further engage, that is then harassment. Be polite but draw your line in the sand. So there is no room for doubt.

    I hope the above gives you some things to consider. If I was not so unwell right now I would write a soap box entitled. 'All your suffering is completely your fault, you obviously deserve it or enjoy it.' That title is obviously out right sarcasm.

    Take care.

    *P.S Garlic may not work on the Twilight strain of vampire, in such an emergency hold up a T-shirt and demand they wear it. For some reason they do seem to have a severe aversion to any sort of upper body clothing. You could also offer Anti depressants, as I am sure 'Brooding angst' will soon be in the DSM as a mental disorder. However I am not sure how they would work on Vampiric physiology, as no such a clinical trial has been enacted.
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    thank you adam, for your care and understanding.... i know and have alawys known i am too open and trusting, i freely admit that but i am not sure how much i want to change that..... i will try to follow your advice though.... right now though i just feel as if i should just fade away and only come out if someone needs me, then safely fade away again .... so i dont upset anyone by breathing too much air or taking up too much ground when i sit.... sounds exaggerated im sure, but it also is completely how i feel.... thanks again *hugs*
     
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