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Can you rely on people?

sinking_ship

woman overboard
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#1
In talking with my therapist about how I *hate* asking for help, even from him, he said at some point when I was young I told myself that I can only ever rely fully on myself. But, isn't that true? I know there are plenty of people have had particularly bad experiences and will probably reply bitterly that you can't rely on anyone. Is anyone on the opposite end though? Do you really feel you can rely on people, or on a specific person or few in particular? What does that mean to you, like, what does it feel like?
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#2
I have felt like I can't rely on anyone but myself. I think to a certain extent that is true, but I have noticed that the people I have opened up to about my feelings and those that truly love me and care for me I can rely on. I would not have known I could rely on folks if I didn't open up. I'm not saying open up to everyone, it has to be someone you trust and you are setting yourself up to potentially be heartbroken or feel betrayed no matter what. I lost a couple of friends when I attempted who accused me of being attention seeking (awful, right?). So I just want to say it goes both ways. Opening up is the hardest thing to do, especially when you come across folks like the previous ones. Now I have better, true friends in my corner and my family doesn't understand but they do care. I don't know if this helps, just wanted to share my experiences.
 

Sunspots

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#3
I was having a very similar conversation with my therapist on Monday. I also find it virtually impossible to ask for help irl - so much so that I've never even contacted her in between sessions in the three years I've been seeing her. I probably do have friends I can rely on - I'm sure they'd rather I woke them up at 3am if I was in real danger of killing myself than of losing me. But I'm so frightened of being a burden I would never put that to the test. But that doesn't mean I can't rely on them, just that I won't let myself.
 

Walker

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#4
so much so that I've never even contacted her in between sessions in the three years I've been seeing her.
I didn't even know people did that until I came here. I've been to the shrink for years in the past and would have *never* even thought of doing such a thing. Maybe it's more acceptable to do this in some places than others. (I have no idea)
 

Walker

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#5
I think at the end of the day you can only rely on yourself BUT I do think you can put a helluva lot into some other people. Do you not think you can rely on your husband? What about him makes him not reliable?

I would 100% rely on Lu. I would trust her to make decisions if I got squashed by a car or if I suddenly had to clean out my bank accounts in a hurry I would trust her to do the right things. Do I know she's going to pick up the phone if I'm having a melt down? Sure. What else can you ask for?

At the same time no other person is forced to do shit for you so that reliance has to try to be maintained by you as much as possible. But what's wrong with leaning on your old man when things are messed up? What's wrong with unloading on him and letting him carry around some of that crap for a while. It'll still be there in a few hours / tomorrow / next week when you want it back.
 

Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️

Says nice things
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#6
It's hard for me to answer this one. I'd like to think I can rely on others, but even my closest friends and family have betrayed me in the past. Everything from name calling to calling the police on me with false allegations. So yeah, I can rely on myself because I know my intentions. I'm sorry this isn't a better answer, it's just how I feel.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
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#8
I didn't even know people did that until I came here. I've been to the shrink for years in the past and would have *never* even thought of doing such a thing. Maybe it's more acceptable to do this in some places than others. (I have no idea)
I wouldn't have thought it until my current therapist. But I have a really hard time processing things in such a short time when we're deep into stuff, and it's been really helpful for me to be able to send him a ramble when I've thought some stuff through, or ahead of session so I don't have to spend a half hour working up to saying something.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
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#10
I would 100% rely on Lu. I would trust her to make decisions if I got squashed by a car or if I suddenly had to clean out my bank accounts in a hurry I would trust her to do the right things. Do I know she's going to pick up the phone if I'm having a melt down? Sure. What else can you ask for?
Practical stuff, sure, I wouldn't marry someone I wouldn't trust in an emergency.

At the same time no other person is forced to do shit for you so that reliance has to try to be maintained by you as much as possible. But what's wrong with leaning on your old man when things are messed up? What's wrong with unloading on him and letting him carry around some of that crap for a while. It'll still be there in a few hours / tomorrow / next week when you want it back.
Right, so there's no guarantee someone can or will be willing to give you what you need, so how do you rely on them? Or what if you get used to relying on that person and then they suddenly stop being there?

When my mom was sick, I was useless and either half-catatonic or a blubbering mess most of the time. So yeah I relied on him then I guess. But that's like...a situation that makes sense and has a reasonable expectation of like, an ending.
 

Sunspots

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#11
I wouldn't have thought it until my current therapist. But I have a really hard time processing things in such a short time when we're deep into stuff, and it's been really helpful for me to be able to send him a ramble when I've thought some stuff through, or ahead of session so I don't have to spend a half hour working up to saying something.
My therapist is forever telling me to call her if I need to. When things have been bad she's even told me she'll take her work phone to bed so I can get in call in middle of the night if I need to - like I would ever do that. She's told me she's happy for me to email or call in between sessions and that many of her clients do. So the problem is definitely with me rather than whether she's reliable. I have on occasion texted her to see if she has space for an extra session but that's as far as I will let myself go.
 

Gonz

Over Cardiac Arrest
#12
Or what if you get used to relying on that person and then they suddenly stop being there?
Over the course of my life I've gone to both extremes.

I'd say you can't really rely on people in general, but sometimes there are individuals. And even then, I don't know how to put it... No one in Jessica's life would have described her as reliable except for me. Because for everyone else, she really wasn't, and for me she really was. And vice versa.

But I'm now suffering the consequences of relying on another person too much, to the point where I don't know how to even begin to cope with shit by myself.

So, to answer the original question; yeah, I guess it is possible to find people you can rely on, even though I'd describe the average person as extremely unreliable most of the time. But, if you find such a person, you can't let the relief of being able to rely on them overwhelm you to the point where you lose your self-reliance.
 

HappyKitty

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#13
For me, I too used to be the type of person that hates relying on people because ‘trusting others’ is hard and I’ve seen so many people get cheated on and I ain’t that gullible. Okay back to topic, anyway, I guess its okay to rely on people if you’re not feeling well yourself or you needed some guidance, just not all the time yano? Thats what my therapists says for me too.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
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#14
My therapist is forever telling me to call her if I need to. When things have been bad she's even told me she'll take her work phone to bed so I can get in call in middle of the night if I need to - like I would ever do that. She's told me she's happy for me to email or call in between sessions and that many of her clients do. So the problem is definitely with me rather than whether she's reliable. I have on occasion texted her to see if she has space for an extra session but that's as far as I will let myself go.
Ha, yeah I've told him I can't imagine ever calling him unless maybe I literally need him to talk me down from a ledge. The email thing is a mixed bag. Because I do sometimes rely on that, need some word of reassurance from him in response to something I've written. But he doesn't always answer very quickly. There's no reason he should be expected to. And then I overanalyze what I've written and regret it.
 

Auri

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#17
Yep, never asked for help in my life either, although it would have saved me from many regrets... That being said, from my more rational point of view, I don't think you can ever rely 100% on anyone, not even yourself, but that is not what should be expected. Another person can only give to you what you'd give to them, realistically.
You can try to rely on someone at some point in a specific situation. If you need to fix your car, you can ask your dad for help because you know he knows better. If you need someone to listen to you, you can ask your husband or a friend you trust. If you have an issue at work, ask a colleague who probably has the answer. It saves time and mental and physical energy and would probably produce better results.

I also like to keep in mind that most people (most good people) like to help and feeling needed, so you're very probably making them feel better in a way. Sure, there's a limit, a balance to find and a way to show appreciation, you don't want to ask too much of them or for them to feel exploited either, but given how much it takes from you to ask for help, I doubt that will ever happen. Start small, but ask sometimes. Do it. :)
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#18
Yes, I feel you can. . . And in some cases, it can be more than just on or two outside of close friends or family. In my case, however, I would have to, for the most part, and perhaps with some exceptions, limit it to just this closed set (of people). I think that can and / or could, would & should be able to trust and rely on those members of my immediate family, also to extend and include, in case it doesn’t already, both sets — or all 4 of my Grandparents! ;) I would add to that, of course, about 3 supremely close friendships that I have maintained over the years. The kinds of people whose relationships have developed over time, and have a rock-solid reputation and track record to carry with them. I would say that these include, or extend to a period of ten to twenty, and in one case closer to thirty years. . . So, that coupled with my family id mentioned previously totals to about ten individuals with whom I would feel comfortable putting up on the stand as character witnesses, were I facing 15 years to life, for not being fans of the band oasis, were I hailed from Londoniom —&it was able to be proven I. N a court of law! ;) j/k... in all seriousness. Though- had I had a better work history, that is to say. Length of time committed to one job at any given time (say something like 5 years of more at one pace), I’m quite certain as convinced - that I may be able to add to that number yet a few more). I may. Be able to now, how ever , given the relative short duration, or nature of work environment and condttkons present—it is entire ly possible to chalk some of this or that good will up to too much, or too little good worth (in terms of credit built, or earned & time spent etc.)... but I’ve worked with some darn fine souls, in my past, and I’d dare say they haven’t been some of the better, if not best in some cases, people that I hav e known. Now what I have left out are the countless scores of people whom I would consider to be mediocree, liar s and cheats, and people, black hearts. Those who take comfort and pleasure in committing acts of evil onto others, or enjoy things that I would consider to. Be very much the polar opposite of the moral s tat I ws raised with— id say the key is allowing your self the freedom (to say, “its okay 👌 to...)) trust some one ☝️-in the first place. If or once you do that - then you can begin to develop a mutual b on d that may lead to a place where you’ve got a lifelong friendship on your hands. And the. Those bonds can be built upon to where you’ve reached or attained a limited stratosphere in which you feel you can rely on one another. I doubt very sincerely that there is anyone on my list I’d mentioned earlier, that just manages to. Break or reach double digits, that wouldn’t say or feel the same way about me (or at least, so I’d hope)? ;) I don’t know if that message you gave or told yourself from or at an early age that your therapist analyzed for you - was as a result of “safety,” Or a “defense-mechanism,” or sorts, in the sense that... you maybe feel - if I don’t trust anybody - & ever let down my guard, wall, whatever you want to call it... & give them that sacred part of me. Then they can’t in turn let me down! Because I have nt even given them that chance, or opportunity (to do so!) : ) who knows, and is to say? :D for sure. . .
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#20
In talking with my therapist about how I *hate* asking for help, even from him, he said at some point when I was young I told myself that I can only ever rely fully on myself. But, isn't that true? I know there are plenty of people have had particularly bad experiences and will probably reply bitterly that you can't rely on anyone. Is anyone on the opposite end though? Do you really feel you can rely on people, or on a specific person or few in particular? What does that mean to you, like, what does it feel like?
I don't know how it is possible to not rely on others. We rely on others for most of our food, shelter, day to day essentials of life. I ran a business and relied on many to do their jobs. Maybe you have been taking others for granted. Not noticing how others play an important part of your life everyday. Try to understand: "no man is an island" we all need each other and should learn to appreciate the endless things others do for us. Love and God Bless
 

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