Cancer And Pointless Existence Needs To End

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Jul 29, 2013.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    i have never been this low in my entire life and that is saying a lot, over the years ive dealt with so so much emotionally, but NOW...God i don't know what to do, ive just been broad sided with a diagnosis of likely endometrial cancer on top of a recent diagnosis of Diabetes and am just coming to terms with the fact ive got three permanent disabling medical conditions two of which are degenerative. ive had one surgery this month that i was neither mentally physically or emotionally prepared for and the docs want me to have a second as soon as possible.

    problem is with everything in my life that's crushing me i don't think i want to get treated :apathy: id rather die and be done with this life. see NOTHING to get better for. the person i love, the emotions are unrequited in the same way. im a best friend, not even a remote chance of being more than that.

    my teenage daughter is a hellion who lashes out several times a day and says horrible things to me that make me wish i was dead, then comes back and im the best mom ever five minutes later, i feel like a yoyo, and numb from all of it. emotionally ive shut down and only react in extremes now, i cry hysterically, stress myself sick or isolate from my family and snap at the one im in love with resentfully because they don't return my affection. im in nervous breakdown mode around the clock. feel like im going to explode into a million pieces like im in a pressure cooker. no one gets it. NO ONE.

    my so called friends are AWOL until they need advice or have a bad day and want me to fix their life or listen to them vent. but aside from that they don't bother to text, email or call, even knowing in battling multiple crisis and now cancer. not even a hi how are you? are you still alive?

    i have NO privacy, no quiet, no peace, no-one i can vent to without them getting upset and accusing me of being "dramatic" or negative...its not drama or negative its WHAT I FREAKING LIVE! and i cant get relief from anywhere or utterly alone in this...and just hope to hell i don't wake up...what for? more of THIS? This EMPTINESS and PAIN? not being good enough for anyone? my love being unrequited? if i had something good to look forward to id fight. im telling the doctor no, i refuse treatment.

    i feel so unwanted, and un-needed and utterly pointless/worthless.. why get the endo cancer treated if this is my future? i don't want this, ANY of it anymore. my life is a complete waste. i need to be gone :Cry:
  2. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Anam-Cara,
    I am ever so sorry. I understand I have a long-term condition as well with severe pain. Please vent anytime, lots of us do understand on here. You daughter is stressed most likely and teenage years are hard for them. I have crying attacks for hours, anger and terrible lows. I try to do things I enjoy, like my hobbies even watching a favourite TV programme or film. You can get through this, can your family help you? Sorry about the possible cancer diagnosis. You went early and are been investigated etc. I wish you a very speedy recovery. Joint replacements are hard, but with time more joint movement is gained. You can't help being poorly, you are not dramatic. My family get sick of me moaning, great support forums, which helps me a lot.
    Anytime you need someone to talk to, I will get back to you as soon as possible.
    Your life isn't pointless, it kills me to knit, craft but I love the reward from having a lovely item and it does distract my mind away from my pain/problems. You can meet someone in the future, lots of disabled people date etc. try an online site, but be careful with your safety.
    Take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2013
  3. Pertokeyo

    Pertokeyo Banned Member

    Do whatever you can to prolong your life if the medical conditions can be treated somewhat. I know you must find it hard to wonder why you are showing love to people who don't love you back, the hardest thing to ever take is knowing that those close to you may never return the love. But it's okay because you're in the right, you're the better person for trying to build these relationships, and live or die you'll always remain better than them. There is always potential to make new relationships, and you deserve somebody who will return your affections, that's the truth.
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