Head is racing. Sick in stomach. Heart is racing. Shaky hands. What is wrong with me. In the grand scheme of things, i have no reason to feel this way. Nothing all that traumatic has ever happened to me. So why does my brain stay so screwed up. Apparently, even tho i have just had the worst week of my life, my thought processes have been 'great'. Doesn't matter that I sat for an hour in a work meeting trying not to throw the table that was in front of me... I have 'great self control'. Although I have started my first ever concrete plan to die, I am 'doing well'. I self harmed but ... I am 'strong'. Why do the doctors not see what is happening to me. Why do they make it so much harder and keep telling me how well i am doing. Why can't I just be normal for a while. I need a rest from it. I am at the end again. I want to die. I have no motivation for anything. I am in a bad place. Changing my thinking and doubling my meds is not going to help. This battle feels lost. The plan for the end is there. I am just working on the final date so that it doesn't fall on someones birthday or some other special occasion. Just about finalised the plan so that none of my loved ones will be the one to find me. So that it has minimal impact on strangers. Watched an internet clip from family of suicide victims the other day. They said in there how that person had so much pain and all they did was share it around to everyone around them. Made me feel a bit selfish to do this. But then again.. hey... Why should I be stuck with all this pain myself. No point taking myself to hospital. Did that already. Been in there for nearly four months last year. Obviously it didn't achieve much. Why should I live life like this all the time. Why do i have to take this. I look fine on the outside but on the inside there is turmoil, war, destruction. Draft of the note is written. Pretty soon, there will be no more.