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Cannot find one person like me here

#1
As much as I appreciate everyone here...you are all kind and caring people, I cannot seem to find anyone like me. Someone who just cannot forgive themselves....someone who was once a successful, respected employee, someone for whom trauma destroyed at the age of 59, who now wants to end it all but because of their fear of going to hell and the destruction it would cause their family stays. Someone who has ‘everything’ money, the ability to travel, the most loving husband and children, etc....yet longingly looks forward to going to bed the minute they wake up. I was never like this...I have sought professional help,.,..and have not received the best. I have ocd, ptsd, anxiety, depression. If someone had told me 5 years ago that this would be my life, I would have told them they were crazy.
My life is now a living nightmare....
last rant of the night I promise. hugs to all.
 

Nick the Fantastical Duck

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
I wonder if you are focusing too much on the differences between yourself and someone else. Nobody else is going to have your exact story. Nobody has my exact story. There are tons of people here who can't forgive themselves (myself included). There are a lot of people who have been destroyed by trauma, and that looks different for each person. Those people may not be 59, but I'm not sure the exact age matters. There are people here who have all those things in life and because of one thing or another they struggle. You're focusing on all the details that are different and deciding that nobody is like you, but in reality there are lots of people like you. I hope you're able to see that and recognize that people here do understand.
 
#3
I wonder if you are focusing too much on the differences between yourself and someone else. Nobody else is going to have your exact story. Nobody has my exact story. There are tons of people here who can't forgive themselves (myself included). There are a lot of people who have been destroyed by trauma, and that looks different for each person. Those people may not be 59, but I'm not sure the exact age matters. There are people here who have all those things in life and because of one thing or another they struggle. You're focusing on all the details that are different and deciding that nobody is like you, but in reality there are lots of people like you. I hope you're able to see that and recognize that people here do understand.
You are right, Nick, I apologize if I came across mean or nasty. I know everyone’s story is different. I just do not know how much longer I can do this...I am so torn between the love of my family and the pure torture I live with every day. It is awful. I am in therapy but if I could at least find one med that would slow the brain.,,other than the addictive ones,,,it would help. I am of no help to anyone here and I wish I could be, I keep singing the same pathetic song,...I think age does matter to a degree as has I not known 59 years of normal, this would not be so hard. I need to know how others keep goingl
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
I know of at least 2 people here with extremely similar stories. People who outwardly have it all, are in your age group yet are completely self loathing. And I definitely don't know everyone story but these two are on here every day so this is a case of just not seeing beyond your own circumstance. Like Nick says, no one has your story cause that's yours but there are definitely people here who have chapters in the same book.
 
#5
I know of at least 2 people here with extremely similar stories. People who outwardly have it all, are in your age group yet are completely self loathing. And I definitely don't know everyone story but these two are on here every day so this is a case of just not seeing beyond your own circumstance. Like Nick says, no one has your story cause that's yours but there are definitely people here who have chapters in the same book.
thank you...I am sorry...didn’t mean to come across the wrong way. I guess I just need to know there is hope....sorry.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#6
You didn't come across the wrong way to me :) I know what you're saying here -- you want to feel like there are others who are feeling the way you are. I think what is also promising here are the people who have PAST that point, you know? Because there are those also. Maybe they'll come pop up and say something in this thread.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#7
As much as I appreciate everyone here...you are all kind and caring people, I cannot seem to find anyone like me. Someone who just cannot forgive themselves....someone who was once a successful, respected employee, someone for whom trauma destroyed at the age of 59, who now wants to end it all but because of their fear of going to hell and the destruction it would cause their family stays. Someone who has ‘everything’ money, the ability to travel, the most loving husband and children, etc....yet longingly looks forward to going to bed the minute they wake up. I was never like this...I have sought professional help,.,..and have not received the best. I have ocd, ptsd, anxiety, depression. If someone had told me 5 years ago that this would be my life, I would have told them they
thank you...I am sorry...didn’t mean to come across the wrong way. I guess I just need to know there is hope....sorry.
thank you...I am sorry...didn’t mean to come across the wrong way. I guess I just need to know there is hope....sorry.
.
As much as I appreciate everyone here...you are all kind and caring people, I cannot seem to find anyone like me. Someone who just cannot forgive themselves....someone who was once a successful, respected employee, someone for whom trauma destroyed at the age of 59, who now wants to end it all but because of their fear of going to hell and the destruction it would cause their family stays. Someone who has ‘everything’ money, the ability to travel, the most loving husband and children, etc....yet longingly looks forward to going to bed the minute they wake up. I was never like this...I have sought professional help,.,..and have not received the best. I have ocd, ptsd, anxiety, depression. If someone had told me 5 years ago that this would be my life, I would have told them they were crazy.
My life is now a living nightmare....
last rant of the night I promise. hugs to all.
Hugs
 
#8
You didn't come across the wrong way to me :) I know what you're saying here -- you want to feel like there are others who are feeling the way you are. I think what is also promising here are the people who have PAST that point, you know? Because there are those also. Maybe they'll come pop up and say something in this thread.
Thank you....
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#9
thank you...I am sorry...didn’t mean to come across the wrong way. I guess I just need to know there is hope....sorry.
Hello

You remember when you were well. You stated if anyone told you that you would be in pure misery that you said they were crazy. That was because you had no true knowledge of misery. Did you know what PTSD felt like at age 48? I am guessing no. True knowledge is having experienced it. No one can even imagine the sheer fear of getting out of bed. The wired electricity of anxiety shocking your body until you feel zapped of all energy to the point of feeling like you have not eaten in a week and yet can’t sleep because of fear of the next trauma coming tomorrow. What I am trying to say is you are right, only people who have experienced what you feel know that you literally can’t shut your brain off. You are compelled to talk about it because it preys one your mind like bill weevil.
 

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#10
you asked how people go on everyday with this feeling, so do because they are expected to take care of someone else, others wait thinking not to die because something else will kill them. personally im waiting for corona to come hit me but at the same i know it wont because i keep myself away from it and be safe and i do not want my dog to be traumatized, waiting forever for me to wake up she is the only light in my life or my family to look at my still laying corpse and having to clean it up when we barely have any money how can they afford a funeral? sure i can understand the suicidal feeling but sorry to say but i barely have any money, i have a broken family and no job, so i cant understand that feeling but what do know is hold on till the the right age you said you are fifty nine so may be try some small goals like im 59 rn lets turn that into 60 59 is pretty young at least wait till your grandchildren's marriages and you are 80 that way you can pass of old age rather than suicide. and im sorry with my terrible advice but I'd say stay off meds for couple days and try engaging in a hobby or recreational activity that gives you joy and relaxation if those few days help your mental health try to do those activities rather than meds
 

neutralbuoyancy

stuck in place yet again
#11
Hello

You remember when you were well. You stated if anyone told you that you would be in pure misery that you said they were crazy. That was because you had no true knowledge of misery. Did you know what PTSD felt like at age 48? I am guessing no. True knowledge is having experienced it. No one can even imagine the sheer fear of getting out of bed. The wired electricity of anxiety shocking your body until you feel zapped of all energy to the point of feeling like you have not eaten in a week and yet can’t sleep because of fear of the next trauma coming tomorrow. What I am trying to say is you are right, only people who have experienced what you feel know that you literally can’t shut your brain off. You are compelled to talk about it because it preys one your mind like bill weevil.
i know that feeling at 18, but there is no need to to compare mental health problems at younger ages because each and every problem matters because no matter how big or small misery/problem is still a misery/problem to that person so i hope you get better but please do not add fire to another person's problem there is never a need to apologise for expressing you problem because sometimes the solution is to share it not compare it
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#13
I would still say there is hope and that you seek it and with luck you find a share of it for yourself here.
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#14
Given that you managed to spend the majority of your life living a relatively good life, it suggests to me that the anxiety etc is possibly temporary. If you can get past the trauma (big IF I know) then maybe you can start to reclaim something of the life you had before. It's something to hope for, certainly.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#15
As much as I appreciate everyone here...you are all kind and caring people, I cannot seem to find anyone like me. Someone who just cannot forgive themselves....someone who was once a successful, respected employee, someone for whom trauma destroyed at the age of 59, who now wants to end it all but because of their fear of going to hell and the destruction it would cause their family stays. Someone who has ‘everything’ money, the ability to travel, the most loving husband and children, etc....yet longingly looks forward to going to bed the minute they wake up. I was never like this...I have sought professional help,.,..and have not received the best. I have ocd, ptsd, anxiety, depression. If someone had told me 5 years ago that this would be my life, I would have told them they were crazy.
My life is now a living nightmare....
last rant of the night I promise. hugs to all.
Except for having family you have described my life... age, time seeking professional help, respected work life, cannot forgive self( the big issue and one I have tried working on for a long time without much progress) and "if someone had told me 5 years ago.....".
I'm sorry you experienced the trauma you went through.
The reason I'm sharing here is because I wanted you to know that there is someone that identifies strongly with what you have expressed if that is of any help.
I hope the very best for you. I'm glad you have family and that love.....
I remain in a not good place as far as feeling that I am "living" life but I was helped through a couple of periods of time in the last year and a half here when I did not think I could take another breath or step
Hugs
 
Last edited:

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#16
If you have money like that, you could technically find a really good therapist for yourself. Perhaps one who specializes in trauma and incorporates treatment methods that have been proven effective with past clients? Just as well, there are definitely doctors out there who would freely hand you a script of benzos, no questions asked...for a price. I mean, if I was desperate enough, and I had the money, I would certainly try to find one or the other.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#17
i know that feeling at 18, but there is no need to to compare mental health problems at younger ages because each and every problem matters because no matter how big or small misery/problem is still a misery/problem to that person so i hope you get better but please do not add fire to another person's problem there is never a need to apologise for expressing you problem because sometimes the solution is to share it not compare it

You are so right. Support is the key. Glad you understand. That is the point. I was validating and supporting their need to vent and to share why people say be grateful etc. When in pain we need support. 🤓
 

Nick the Fantastical Duck

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#18
You are right, Nick, I apologize if I came across mean or nasty. I know everyone’s story is different. I just do not know how much longer I can do this...I am so torn between the love of my family and the pure torture I live with every day. It is awful. I am in therapy but if I could at least find one med that would slow the brain.,,other than the addictive ones,,,it would help. I am of no help to anyone here and I wish I could be, I keep singing the same pathetic song,...I think age does matter to a degree as has I not known 59 years of normal, this would not be so hard. I need to know how others keep goingl
Nothing to apologize for at all. I know how it feels to feel so alone and like nobody gets it. More than anything I want you to see that you aren't alone and there are people who do it get it. You aren't on an Island here and there are some of us who have been there, are there, and can relate. I can also relate to being torn between those I love and the torture I feel. I can't promise you the answer, but I can promise you to listen.
 
#19
Nothing to apologize for at all. I know how it feels to feel so alone and like nobody gets it. More than anything I want you to see that you aren't alone and there are people who do it get it. You aren't on an Island here and there are some of us who have been there, are there, and can relate. I can also relate to being torn between those I love and the torture I feel. I can't promise you the answer, but I can promise you to listen.
Thanks...I have so much to live for yet trauma and my ensuing actions have destroyed me. Ocd, ptsd and the subsequent anxiety and depression are overwhelming...I don’t see recovery in site unless I get on the right medication and get the right therapy. I have done terrible things to people and though I have been forgiven I simply cannot forgive myself. Add to that an autoimmune disease that is less than pleasant and it is a recipe for doom. I am not sure why I am still here.....well I do...because of my family....but really every day is a living hell. My grandbaby is coming next week....that will keep me going for at least another week.
 
#20
Except for having family you have described my life... age, time seeking professional help, respected work life, cannot forgive self( the big issue and one I have tried working on for a long time without much progress) and "if someone had told me 5 years ago.....".
I'm sorry you experienced the trauma you went through.
The reason I'm sharing here is because I wanted you to know that there is someone that identifies strongly with what you have expressed if that is of any help.
I hope the very best for you. I'm glad you have family and that love.....
I remain in a not good place as far as feeling that I am "living" life but I was helped through a couple of periods of time in the last year and a half here when I did not think I could take another breath or step
Hugs
I am sorry that you are where you are also. What has helped you to hang on? I am very fearful of death not to mention the devastation that it would cause my family. I was once very ‘normal’ ....I just don’t see a return to that ... so what’s the sense.
 

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