Cannot get it together and the scales are tipping.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SuzenH, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. SuzenH

    SuzenH Member

    I came here today to search some posts in hopes of obtaining an easy, painless, peaceful way to leave this life. I read many similar posts and I too can’t seem to keep my depression in check. Sadly it DOES affect every other part of your life. I manage to ruin or push away any good thing in my life. Each time I try harder to gain control of my emotions and depression it only seems to end even worse.

    I have lost count of the jobs I have walked away from in a huff, friends I have lost due to being overly sensitive and family I have constantly accused of not caring. Only just back on my feet after a job loss, and swearing I would never allow another repeat, less than two months later I am right back where I started from. All because I cannot control my emotions. I'm hyper sensitive, too full of foolish pride and most definitely have unrealistic expectations of respect and appreciation. My inability to function period now seems to make living nearly impossible. I can look back on every bit of 40 years of pain and heartache caused only by my constant battle with depression, anxiety and fear. I spend all day long attempting to overly impress everyone and fear every moment that I have done just the opposite. I am nearly reclusive and every day the fear of facing the next day makes it a little bit harder to start a new day.

    I choose to be alone yet suffer because I am lonely. I know of no other way to protect myself and others. Isolation is the only way I can live with myself peacefully for at least a short period of time. Otherwise I have to endure more pain and embarrassment, more failure, more anxiety, worry and fear, reliving and replaying, over and over, yet another horrid moment in time that I wish I could have prevented and cannot take back. A lifelong battle, I have to assume responsibility for the negative outcome of nearly every incident. And I have fought through it all, on a daily basis, all just to make the same destructive mistakes over and over again. Depression and foolish pride are a lethal combination. The two rarely mix well and almost always make every day much harder than it needs to be.

    I do not drink or do drugs. I am not physically abusive. I am in total control of my faculties.

    I am more than capable of earning a decent living yet am constantly on the edge of financial ruin. I am comfortable with my body and appearance yet I hide from people at every opportunity. I am bright, articulate and successful, yet I am destroyed daily by my lack of self worth and self confidence. I regroup and try to learn all I can from each horrible experience. I tell myself daily, all the right things, yet simply cannot, despite every effort, prevent myself from completing yet another lap in what is now approaching, a 40+ year cycle of personal self destructive behavior.

    Everyone I have hurt has forgiven and fortunately, of late, I can usually control things enough so that, for the most part, it is only I that suffers the consequences in the end.

    People are so quick to suggest one get help but in the real world there are few resources available for those without insurance or the means to pay for it. I have also recently realized even the mere mention of the "S" word throws people straight into survival mode fearing repercussions or not wanting to get involved. And let’s face it, the world is a very cold, selfish place to live in these days. "Suck it up", everyone's depressed, just be happy, and wah wah wah are pretty much the real responses even if they are coated with sugar.

    And the most frustrating part. I’m tired, all the time. Every day is a struggle now, no breaks in between. It’s easy to look forward when it’s so painful to look back. Only now I see nothing forward either. Just darkness. And I’m ok with that, really. It’s a peaceful darkness. For the past few months, the only relief from the constant anxiety, loneliness, despair, depression, and weariness is in thinking it will be over soon. I see nothing positive on the horizon. I see no motivation for moving forward. There is nothing I will miss, no one who will not understand my decision. I am not a coward. I do not believe I am being selfish. I am just content to end the road here and skip the rest of the hard times. I just want it to stop here. I just want to be done with the pain. I am honestly comfortable with laying down and not waking up. Today. With no regrets. Thus my greatest fear now is that my will to die has slowly surpassed my will to live.

    Fortunately, even exiting this life appears to be an insurmountable hurdle. There is no little pill, readily available, to comfortably and peacefully move forward. I am down right terrified by the methods and means of the work arounds I have come across so far. Unfortunately this has thrown me into a full and complete breakdown. I wish I had not looked deeper. This option has been my only peace, my only solace, my only ability to sleep occasionally. Now it too is a fear, a further contributor to my depression and likely yet another failure should I choose that route.

    Clearly it is no easier to die than it is to live. The old saying only the strong survive may no longer be accurate. Seems it would take a whole lot more strength, planning and resolve to follow through with suicide at this point.

    I simply don't know how to live anymore. Even if I am fortunate enough to secure yet another position quickly, I am rapidly approaching being unemployable, I have little time financially even if I am successful. I am desperately lonely but unwilling to reach out for fear of shutting down another’s kind efforts to help. I am angry and frustrated with myself and my inability to get it together, for not being able to muster the strength to get up, yet again, and hope there is a least a short time between any success and the next failure. This latest series of events added yet more new symptoms. Never in my life have I been unable to eat yet for the past two days I simply cannot even swallow. My chest is so tight with pain and anxiety that I can barely breathe. I cannot turn my thoughts off long enough to sleep more than an hour at a time.

    While I am thoroughly discouraged that I cannot reach for that little pill I think I am entitled to, I am hoping I will feel fortunate that was the case if and when I find a way to make it through today.

    In the meantime, thank you all for providing a place to vent, share and "get out" what we feel is silently killing us inside. I may never find a solution to my problem but, at this point, I would settle for tipping the scales back towards the will to live.

    Thanks for listening!
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear that you've had such struggles for so long. I'm not sure where you live, but you might be eligible for government medical benefits. In the states, you could apply for medicaid. A hospital's financial office might be able to help you with the application process.

    there's lots of good self-help methods for dealing with depression. link in my sig has some descriptions. if you really feel like you are on the verge and have no other option, you can go to a hospital emergency room or urgent care clinic.

    It sounds like you've been through something really unfair. things can sometimes get better though, though that can be hard to see if you feel suicidal.

    hope that this may be helpful :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It takes strength to reach out for help hun like you are doing now. You want peace not death and if you talk to your doctor get a therapist to help you guide you you can reach stability. therapist can and will help you deal with those emotions that seem to go out of control Medication can help for depression not saying you have to stay on them but just to help you pull out of the darkness some Glad you are venting here i hope you continue too hugs
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Can you reach out to your shrink or cpn or something or seek professional help?
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