I've been feeling really low. & i'm scared. when i get to this point, there's no telling what i'd do. i can't control myself at this point. i'm scared to tell anyone, because last time i was here, i tried overdosing. they said if i do it again, they'll put me away in a mental hospital. i think that'll just worsen things when i get out. i have these thoughts. these brutal, scary thoughts. but not just thoughts, i'm hoping that i'll die. i hope that i suffer long & hard while i'm dying. i hope i get to see my blood come out of every pore. i hope all the pain & suffering inside of me, turns into physical pain while i'm dying. i wish i could. i want to so bad, i've never wanted anything more other than death. my boyfriend is the last string i have on this earth, & i can feel it coming to an end as it is. which means, there i go. i can't tell him. i don't want to sound like that psycho girlfriend who threatens to kill herself if he leaves. cos i won't. i don't want anyone to know that i'm going to kill myself. i just want to disappear & no one to find out the pain i'll put myself through. i've thought long & hard about different ways, & they all seem so beautiful. just knowing that i'll no longer be suffering, it's beautiful. i'm scared. i need help. i need to find happiness. but it's too late, this time.