Cannot see a way forward

[Fighter86]

Suffering extreme emotional/psychological torment from being in a 2 year relationship with a woman with BPD/NPD traits.

Painful memories are consuming my mind. I feel hopeless and helpless to stop the agony I feel.
She couldn't have made me feel any less of a human being than I've felt and still feel. I've felt like nothing.

Past memories and feelings are torturing my mind and soul in the form of severe C-PTSD, as my previous therapist diagnosed it.

If I <Mod Edit:Methods>, to end it, all of it.
I cannot see a way forward, not one that consists of anything but agonizing torment.

What's there to look forward to a lifetime of PTSD, nightmares, OCD, shame, anxiety, no confidence, fear?

We're apart right now, working through some things.
I've answered and reassured her of things that were bothering her/ had upset her.
But after weeks of discussing her issues I asked her to listen to mine.

I shared with her for the first time in 2 years last night how she made me feel.
This was really hard to do and I didn't want to upset her by telling her how she's treated me.
I decided to list the feelings I'd been experiencing for years.
And she just said "I knew that all along".
I said "You couldn't, I've only just told you".
And I asked if she cared about how I felt and if she'd want to understand why I felt it or help me with it.
And she said "That's what you do in a relationship, but we aren't in a relationship".

She's emphatic to everyone and everything else, expect me.

I've been made to feeling like I am nothing. I've felt suicidal many times in the past 2 years and have self-harmed more than ever. The pain is excruciating. I've felt in deep fear of my own mind and the scary thoughts or memories that it creates or remembers. I hate my mind. I hate my life.

It honestly feels like there's no other choice than to find an effective way of ending it all. I've tried to make my life something, but there's too much damage and the road ahead, looks like nothing but hell. And I've already been in that place too long, dealing with all this unbelievably complex and severely disturbing pain that never seems to end.

Living with questions with no answers and the torment that brings me is overwhelming.

 

[Kiwi2016]

I am so sorry that you are struggling with so much but welcome you to SF which is full of amazing people tho can provide advice support and encouragement...you aren't alone. i wondered if you have you considered couples counseling? Sending you a hug.

 

[Petal]

Welcome to the forum & I am sorry you are feeling so low. Hang in there and know we're in this together, I think the idea of couples counselling would be ideal too

 

[Fighter86]

I suggested it a few times. Wasn't interested.

 

[Fighter86]

thanks for responding

 

[Kiwi2016]

I am sorry to hear that she's not open to that....I wondered have you talked to your gp or a therapist for yourself?

 

[ashleyneedshope29]

Fighter86 I am truly sorry that you are going through this. What can I do to help you.

 

[Lara_C]

Hello again Fighter86, at the moment you need to just keep going minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. The intensity of the pain WILL pass, but for now just try to slow down. Breathe out fully, then inhale slowly, as deeply as you can, and keeping this up, just try to relax into this present moment, without letting your mind carry you away into thoughts of the past and anxiety about the future. In this moment just let it all go as much as you can, and let yourself experience the peacefulness of a quiet mind.

You can take up all the other stuff you write about later, but right now you are too mentally exhausted to see the right way forward. For now, you must leave it all aside, giving up all the mental effort, all the striving, and rest your mind and body as much as you can.

 

[Fighter86]

@Kiwi2016 I've self-referred and am on a waiting list. So in 6 months time I might get an assessment. That's how it usually works around here.

 

[Fighter86]

thanks @ashleyneedshope29 , I don't know really. Just so... I don't even know.

 

[Fighter86]

@Clair
Hey, thank you.
I've been speaking to the Samaritans on the phone.
This has helped a little.
Feel like a shell, a ghost, like I'm not really here, life feels surreal and disconnected.

 

[Lara_C]

Really sorry Fighter86, hope you get some peace soon. Nothing is worth ruining your own health over, you know. I wish you would treat yourself the same way you would a cherished friend.

 

[Anny44]

Suffering extreme emotional/psychological torment from being in a 2 year relationship with a woman with BPD/NPD traits.

Painful memories are consuming my mind. I feel hopeless and helpless to stop the agony I feel.
She couldn't have made me feel any less of a human being than I've felt and still feel. I've felt like nothing.

Past memories and feelings are torturing my mind and soul in the form of severe C-PTSD, as my previous therapist diagnosed it.

If I <Mod Edit:Methods>, to end it, all of it.
I cannot see a way forward, not one that consists of anything but agonizing torment.

What's there to look forward to a lifetime of PTSD, nightmares, OCD, shame, anxiety, no confidence, fear?

We're apart right now, working through some things.
I've answered and reassured her of things that were bothering her/ had upset her.
But after weeks of discussing her issues I asked her to listen to mine.

I shared with her for the first time in 2 years last night how she made me feel.
This was really hard to do and I didn't want to upset her by telling her how she's treated me.
I decided to list the feelings I'd been experiencing for years.
And she just said "I knew that all along".
I said "You couldn't, I've only just told you".
And I asked if she cared about how I felt and if she'd want to understand why I felt it or help me with it.
And she said "That's what you do in a relationship, but we aren't in a relationship".

She's emphatic to everyone and everything else, expect me.

I've been made to feeling like I am nothing. I've felt suicidal many times in the past 2 years and have self-harmed more than ever. The pain is excruciating. I've felt in deep fear of my own mind and the scary thoughts or memories that it creates or remembers. I hate my mind. I hate my life.

It honestly feels like there's no other choice than to find an effective way of ending it all. I've tried to make my life something, but there's too much damage and the road ahead, looks like nothing but hell. And I've already been in that place too long, dealing with all this unbelievably complex and severely disturbing pain that never seems to end.

Living with questions with no answers and the torment that brings me is overwhelming.

I think you are self inflicting from your wounds Fighter...
Let me put it this way, and I know its not clear when youre in it. I believe you have to get away from what feeds you the toxicity. Its hard as hell and creates all sorts of cognitive dissonance...its worth it though. Ive been in similar situatiins and evety month, year, adds up to take its toll until we all go comoletely insane.
Why is this tolerable for you, and Im saying this as a friend, with an objective point of view from all that youve shared and I know that would devestate me....
Im sorry.~*
Please, do whats right for you

 

[Anny44]

I think you are self inflicting from your wounds Fighter...
Let me put it this way, and I know its not clear when youre in it. I believe you have to get away from what feeds you the toxicity. Its hard as hell and creates all sorts of cognitive dissonance...its worth it though. Ive been in similar situatiins and evety month, year, adds up to take its toll until we all go comoletely insane.
Why is this tolerable for you, and Im saying this as a friend, with an objective point of view from all that youve shared and I know that would devestate me....
Im sorry.~*
Please, do whats right for you

Let me say YOU are not causing it, and stsying connected IS. I wanted to clarify...