Cannot take it anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowers, Nov 10, 2015.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I never really post in the regular forums here anymore. But I honestly do not know where else to turn. Have had all sorts of things coming up. Biggest trigger stuff.

    Then i get an email from my fairly abusive brother asking if I know when our elderly mother will have surgery.
    I wrote back that I did not know anything about it. I called my aunt who said yes, she is having inguinal hernea surgery. She did not want to tell me because she did not want to hear my response. And my aunt kept defending my mother by basically saying I am mentally ill. So of course she has the right to leave you out of knowing. As much as i tried to explain that I do have a right to know, she kept insisting I did not. Because of how my mother was afraid i would respond with too much concern or cry. first of all, I would not cry. And yes I would be concerned. But essentially mentally ill people should not expect to be treated with common respect and dignity. My aunt kept trying to get me to understand that my mother was just doing what she needed to do considering who I am. They feel totally justified.

    I cannot take it anymore. I was barely hanging on before this. I think I have the right to leave. I am tired. I am sore. And I cannot be treated like a sick person anymore. I am too tired. I need to die. I just need to die. I am agoraphobic. So there is no one to call. I no longer know people. I get help once a month. But because i was not told until my brother made the mistake of asking me, I did not get to talk to her last week. And no, I cnannot call her.

    I feel so ashamed and angry. My mother is planning to come to visit me this weekend. I do not want to see her. But if she dies in surgery next month ( she is very old) I will have turned her away before she dies. Please do not answer with words pertaining to possibly losing her. Because it is too much of a trigger. Thank you.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi flowers perhaps your mother would have told you this weekend when she came she may have decided then when she could tell you in person
    Yes you do deserve to know any child should know what is happening with their elderly parents I am sorry they treat you so poorly
    2 people like this.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks, V. My aunt was clear that my mother was not going to tell me until after the surgery. Because she didnt want to deal with what she decided my response would be.
  4. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    I agree you needed to know (and you would have seen your mother on the weekend)

    but there is something deeper then that you are indicating.... yes your elderly parents are important please continue on that (no matter who tells you what or when).....

    i (naturally) am concerned with you and what you are going through and how you are feeling... it doesn't seem that the strength you call on doesn't in some way trip you up... seems you know more about this then you can write here to us... you sound like that world they open to you was timely for your mental health to go all over the place... please try to center yourself and be present in your life and calm your soul and heart with love.... you are not what anything thinks you are and you certainly aren't who they want you to be... but you are a person with experience and time.... when you center yourself in this mixed up world of people telling you things people should tell you directly.... remember to not turn on yourself... being human isn't enough to ruin it all for you.... admit you're are going to fall in and out of depression but this is not the thing that can harm you... this isn't half what you are ready survived....

    you are not alone you are never alone for where you stand you can give yourself love and believe in yourself.... its easier from the outside to love you but you don't know all of us or even some of us.... we are out there where you cant see us and you're not alone..

    tell yourself you will leave all this emotion for tomorrow when you can stand it.... the darkness will pass (your history will tell you that)

    you are not alone
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  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you hot your response, Suzy. I deeply appreciate you taking the time to write. :)
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry this happened, I get that they didn't want you to be super concerned but I agree with you that they should have let you know. If that were me i'd feel very sad about it, and embarrassed because they didn't tell me over my mental illness. You did have a right to know (hug)
    2 people like this.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Flowers - I am so sorry. I didn't see this thread earlier.... I'm so sorry about everything. That must be so difficult to deal with. I agree with Suzy... you are YOU. They can't or won't see that. Their issues are theirs, not yours. I know it's easy to say this and far more difficult not to let their words eat away at you. I'm here, ok, for what that's worth.

    I KNOW you personally, you are so much more than you ever give yourself credit for. Truly. Honestly.
    2 people like this.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks Petal. I appreciate it. The thing that kept getting me more upset was my aunt saying that its because my mother did not want to deal with how I would react. This really hurt my feelings a lot. and she kept insisting that mother was justified because of who I am. Further bringing on shame and self hatred. Every time she spoke was like a spike in my gut. Thanks again
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, yes I know you personally. And what you say, I know someone I could say that to for them. wonder who that could be :p Thank you for being you !
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Uh huh..!!!
    2 people like this.
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I just found out that the aunt who insisted that my mother had the right to exclude me from knowing about her impending surgery because of my mental illness, will be coming to visit me tomorrow. She is the last person I want to see or speak to. I dread hearing her voice after what she did. She has no remorse because in her mind she is justified in insisting that because I am mentally ill of course I lose my right to know these things. Perhaps someday I would be ready to hear her voice again. But not tomorrow. Ne'er words threw me into ..... Well wanting to die. The only positive is that she will take part of the driving. So there will be 3 drivers. I wish with all my heart that they come here but do not see me. I am feeling so triggered by this aunt. She does similar treatment to her daughter who has some psych probs. and she refuses to allow her niece to be around her because she has ex of bipolar. Even though the niece is w good person and both her parents are dead. This aunt likes me because I have helped her, and her daughter. But still she feels completely justified in knowing (in her mind) that of course the mentally ill do not deserve the same respect as other people. I do not want her here.
  12. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    i wont advise you here on your divide with what is happening and who is there....

    you sound very right in part of the assessment you wrote here.... earlier you said you didn't want your mother with you... down to the weather might not be in your favor part of the time. but you also state you've built part of the trust you need with your aunt (as long as she gets what she wants)

    she wont change to suit you; you wont change to suit her. that is the balance

    and you do find balance between what is workable what isn't workable at all

    have you talked to anyone here yet? i don't think there is a discussion you can have with either your mother or your aunt. i wonder what your mother's past with your aunt is? were they sisters or sister in laws? i point this out because you can't know everything and the 3rd person is your mother

    you know better what your mother's regrets might be. (like not telling you herself maybe if she didn't feel it easier in life to have others tell you things that she should tell you) see how i find there is so much more to the story

    just don't want you to miss out that i don't even know what got you here. but after everything you've been thru i am sure you are still here.

    i see you as being kind (but fragile) right now. i assume in the past you have been very strong. try not to throw away all the work that got you here.

    you have nothing to prove to your aunt as she has already benefited from your kindness.

    and you will need to be kind to yourself and forget her for the time being.
    its okay if you don't want to be around people.
    its okay to be you.
    (this kind of says a lot about how nice you really are)

    please stay safe and take care of yourself so no harm comes to you over all this
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I like YOU flowers ok don't let anyone your aunt or anyone make you feel less because we know in our hearts you are kind and caring
    It is so hard when one becomes so fragile it is hard i understand flowers and i hope you continue to reach out to people who do care and understand hugs to you
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