Can't bear any more pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by danielInDespair, Dec 10, 2007.

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  1. danielInDespair

    danielInDespair New Member

    Hello. I feel ashamed to be writing this because I know this is no reason to have suicidal thoughts and yet I do, this is truly trivial compared to the problems of many. But please help if you can.

    Over the last year, I've developed strong feelings towards a girl who worked in a local restaurant which I went to regularly. Last week she told me she was leaving the restaurant and I felt empty having never told her how I felt. We are 'friends' on a social networking site, so I sent her a message pouring my heart out to her and telling her that despite barely knowing her I felt very strongly about her. She didn't reply for days, and I was afraid I had frightened her away. Eventually I sent her another message, asking if she was still ok with me. She replied that she was but didn't know how to react to what I had said. She asked what I wanted from it and I replied that I just wanted to get to know her. She replied that this was inappropriate as she had just started seeing someone (which I didn't know) and she didn't have any feelings beyond friendship for me. This was hard, but I replied that this was ok and that I hoped that we could still be friends - she replied "yes of course".

    Since then, I've sent her a couple messages asking how the new job is going etc. It's become clear she is ingoring me entirely now. To make matters even worse, this morning she updated her relationship status to "In a Relationship" - I know she had already told me that but seeing it hurt much harder than I could have imagined. So now I'm left with consuming thoughts about her because I feel so strongly and she won't even talk to me. I know this is totally ridiculous because I don't know her that well, and I really hate myself for feeling the way that I do. People just tell me "get over it" and I know they're right but I just can't and nobody seems to be listening to the fact that I'm finding this stupid pain unbearable and I just can't cope with it anymore. I've never had a girlfriend before (I'm 26 - yes its pathetic) but depsite liking other girls I have never had such consuming thoughts about anyone. I'm scaring myself and I don't know where to turn. I feel sick, I'm shaking, I'm constantly crying, I can't sleep or eat, I can't focus on anything but her. I hate myself for telling her because I seem to have lost the link I had with her. I don't know where to turn-I just want this pain to end, and there seems to be only one way to do that.

    Thank you.
  2. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Well, you went a step farther that I think I ever could have, you actually told her how you feel! I'm pretty sure I would have let her go and filed her away in my "I should, coulda, never did" folder. For at least taking that step, I give you some props!

    Now, as far as how you feel. It is understandable for you to feel so bad after having lost (or, "never had and never will") your love interest. With this, there is no real "just get over it". Yes, it will hurt, bad, for a long time. The important thing is that you make it through to tomorrow and the next day. You might even live for very many years and still feel the pain of loss but, at the risk of sounding really corny, there are other people out there. Stay friends with her, keep chatting with her but try not to obsess about it. If you send her 37 emails a day telling her how much you love her and how wonderful she is.... you'll probably get served with a restraining order. Just, for now, keep it "as friends". Let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you but keep a little distance. maybe her current relationship won't work out, maybe it will, we can't tell from here.

    But by no means neglect yourself, dude. Get out a little and socialize, anything to get you away from work and the house. You might end up embaressed a few (dozen) times but if you get out eventually you'll find someone.

    But for the now, just hold on. Don't give up just yet, there could be even better things on the way! And never, ever feel ashamed for what you feel. You do not need a "reason" to be depressed, you need help in dealing with it, which is what we and this board are here for.
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    daniel first of all I want to share some thing's with you and don't feel silly because you've never been in a relationship.I've felt about girl's like you have and it's hard especially hearing when they're seeing someone or don't want to be anything more than friend's.The best thing for you to try and do now is try to be cool as you can,don't flood her with messages to seem and sound desperate.

    By telling her how you felt at least you did which is a start,maybe in future when you ask a girl out just say to her would you like to do something some time?As you say it,it will become natural for you believe me.Or even ask first do you have a boyfriend?If she say's yes or say's that she just want's to be friend's etc try not to show like it really bother's you.

    Listen about this getting to you I know how it feel's,I know it's so painful and try your best not to let it get to you and I know it won't be easy but you can only try.
  4. danielInDespair

    danielInDespair New Member

    Thank you both for your replies-it does help to know that there are people out there who are willing to listen.

    I've been thinking about this and I think I have 3 problems essentially :

    1) That I have strong feelings towards her that are not reciprocated
    2) That I feel I have lost all contact with her because of my actions
    3) That I have very low self-esteem that has suffered an additonal blow.

    1) is obviously the most difficult to deal with because I can't just turn off my feelings and when they're this strong its hard to deal with. I've just attempted to deal with 2) - a couple minutes ago I sent her a message just explaining that I'm guessing she's not responding to me because she feels uncomfortable as she thinks by keeping in contact she'll give me false hope. I told her that all I can do is ask her to believe that this isn't true, and that whilst I have feelings for her that I can't simply turn off, I'd much rather we retained a casual friendly contact where she feels she can talk to me than to lose contact altogether. I just hope she responds to that positively - if so, then that's problem 2) sorted. I'll let you know.

    Problem 3) is one that has plagued me for years. I'm not particularly attractive and having been rejected many times before my self-esteem has gradually taken knock after knock, and I was never very confident to begin with. I feel very lonely a lot and am not the sort of person who goes out at all really - I only really have one 'friend' and he's never been that way either but it doesn't bother him. I want to change that, but I don't know where to start. I'm also afraid of telling anybody in the future that I might meet that I'm interested because of the number of times I've been rejected and the pain it has caused me (especially with this girl). I just want to be loved, and I don't know what to do. And without love, life is a very lonely place.
  5. danielInDespair

    danielInDespair New Member

    Thank God. Just to update you after my last post - she replied; said she had been really busy at work and doesn't have the net at home which is why she hadn't replied, but said she would talk to me soon. I can't tell you how relieved I am- at least I didn't destroy a friendship with my actions.

    So thats 1 problem down, and 2 to go. But at least today has solved something. And thank you again for the responses - it was these that prompted me to send her the message.
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