I can't believe how crippling depression feels and how easily it can get triggered. Lately I've been approaching life with almost complete apathy and ambivalence and then the second I feel criticized or insecure about something in my life, the depression kicks in full bore and I'm overwhelmed. I don't even want to die but it's like there's an automatic mechanism that gets turned on from time to time in my brain that's constantly leaning on my fragile ego with its persistent mantra of "kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself." Truly this is what it means when people talk about having demons. I can always force myself to do the things I need to do. I've never had that kind of depression that some people get where they can't get out of bed for days and lose lots of weight and a lot of times because my experience is different, because I still have that strange sense of duty that makes me go on, living not really for myself but because other people tell me that's what I should do, that all I need to do is "man up" or something, I feel that my illness isn't as severe. That if I do just suck it up, it'll go away. I've gone on like this for years and have barely told anyone about how hopeless I truly think life is. It just wears you out so much and consumes all your energy to make your own life better. I already feel soulless and dead inside and now I'm really starting to scare myself because I don't know how much longer it can go on. I just turned 28 and I'm finding myself laying out the plans for the end. I really don't want to die, but I don't care about life and I'm giving myself ultimatums of existence. These are things like "if I don't have this done by...then I should probably kill myself." And even if I get the things I want to do accomplished, I know it won't be enough for me. God, I hate myself so much.