Can't believe it again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrNick1010, Oct 19, 2011.

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  1. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I can't believe how crippling depression feels and how easily it can get triggered. Lately I've been approaching life with almost complete apathy and ambivalence and then the second I feel criticized or insecure about something in my life, the depression kicks in full bore and I'm overwhelmed. I don't even want to die but it's like there's an automatic mechanism that gets turned on from time to time in my brain that's constantly leaning on my fragile ego with its persistent mantra of "kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself." Truly this is what it means when people talk about having demons. I can always force myself to do the things I need to do. I've never had that kind of depression that some people get where they can't get out of bed for days and lose lots of weight and a lot of times because my experience is different, because I still have that strange sense of duty that makes me go on, living not really for myself but because other people tell me that's what I should do, that all I need to do is "man up" or something, I feel that my illness isn't as severe. That if I do just suck it up, it'll go away. I've gone on like this for years and have barely told anyone about how hopeless I truly think life is. It just wears you out so much and consumes all your energy to make your own life better. I already feel soulless and dead inside and now I'm really starting to scare myself because I don't know how much longer it can go on. I just turned 28 and I'm finding myself laying out the plans for the end. I really don't want to die, but I don't care about life and I'm giving myself ultimatums of existence. These are things like "if I don't have this done by...then I should probably kill myself." And even if I get the things I want to do accomplished, I know it won't be enough for me. God, I hate myself so much.
     
  2. chewbacca

    chewbacca Well-Known Member

    I feel ya bro.
     
  3. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    I sure get that... My ex told me to "Pull your life out of your ass," and a good friend told me that I "scare people" because I get depressed and intense. Now I don't even want to leave my bed, but I'm supposed to somehow "fix" myself.
     
  4. chewbacca

    chewbacca Well-Known Member

    how am i supposed to be motivated when all i want is death? what am i supposed to look forward to?

    yesterday i set myself a goal to tidy up the flat then draw (its my 'job') but got fucking depressed in the middle of it, it was like fucking fuck what am i doing in this fucking world i said fuck it and just tumbled on the floor. this physical world is fucking heavy.
     
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