cant breath

[MoAnamCara]

i can't breath.

I am trying so hard.

Trying to be there for others.

Trying not to be the one in need.

But right now I can't do it.

I just can't.

No longer, not anymore.

Where do I go from here?

Why do bottles of pills seem so attractive?

How can I keep existing?

How am I going to cope?

After all this time, I'm back at square one.

A flop, a failure, a waste of time.

Trying to persuade myself I was better that I could do this.

Where do I go from here, how do I keep doing this.

 

[itmahanh]

You reach out to the members and friends you have here. Let us support you while you take a much needed breather. Deep cleansing breathes that clear your head and the thoughts sweetie!

 

[MoAnamCara]

Am trying. Very disheartened today.

 

[MoAnamCara]

Lets all go visit and make like we were there for you all along. Are you kidding me? After all these years and now you decide is the right time? And now I'm trying to work through the things ? How am I expected to deal with this? No ones knows, yet I need to go on as if all is normal? I am so full of shame. My mind is spinning because I would like the visit. It all doesn't make sense to me. I said before that you would visit when she dies, I don't know how far away we are. I know it was mean of me to say but there was truth in it and it was coming from a deeply hurt place in me.

So, let me deal with my thoughts and feelings which I can't yet express with having you around. While I tend to my future of separation and death and the struggling to continue on alone.

You come visit, let me struggle through work, with trying to breath.

Let me put on such a good show you won't have any clue of whats going on with me. But thats nothing new.

 

[MoAnamCara]

Who really gives a rats arse? Whats the point of even typing this or trying to make sense of what is going on? Who cares, who really gives a damn? Wouldn't I be better to start talking to the walls or even banging my stupid head against them.

I'm over it all, I'm over you all, I quit, I'm done.