Can't breathe

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by BornFree, Sep 16, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Right back there that desperate time, how can just talking about something send me straight back,everything has flooded back, like a dam burst its walls, the God awful panic, dread, desperation of just picking up my keys and what I need and just going now before its too late. I know I will not fail a second time.
    I can't fight anymore I can't try to be heard, I have nothing left to give I am completely empty they all know better so why try to reason, beg and plead. H speaks right over me like I do not even exist. They will shut us down completely, if we don't sort this out.
    I love my children so much enough to know that they deserve a fresh start with a Mum who can care for them properly and give them the nurturing and security they deserve, God knows they deserve more than I can give them.
    Yes, it will hurt for a while but their new life will soon be so much better. Even if no one answers this at least if they see this they might understand more...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WRONG Bornfree it will not be a new start it will be a horrible ending and life of struggle for them You know that they will always say she did not love us enough to stay What did we do or not do to make her go away i know these thoughts ok and it never ever gets better no That is just your brain saying this that is in depression
    Instead you go and get help and teach your children that suicide in not the way out of pain ok teach them there is support and that one must reach out for it to heal some
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    TE is right; it won't hurt just for a while. It will hurt them for the rest of their lives; they'll wonder why they weren't enough to keep you here, and their pain will never stop.
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Born free..... I know this hurts and you have a lot to handle and deal with. I am sorry things are so hard. IMHO h needs a stiff kick in the butt to put it mildly. As the others have said your children would not be better with someone else, you are their mother. I lost a friend to sui and nearly ten years later I still question myself and am angry with myself for not doing more. I know you wouldn't want them to feel similarly plus loss of a mother is so difficult to deal with. I'm here... Ok? Give me a shout here or phone or fb if you wish. Please. :)
     
  5. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you TE & Wild Cherry & Mo. :hug: I get what you are saying, but if I stay I am a visible reminder of how they could end up... this disease is a nightmare it does not seem fair that not only do they have to struggle with their own symptoms but are lumbered with a Mum who can't be all they need, can't care for them as a normal Mum should... and is a constant reminder of what their future holds in store, at least with a new mum they will be free to enjoy their lives while they are young and not be restricted with all the heaviness of having someone who is ill around all the time. The business was meant to be a hope for the future a way out, a way to get a motorized chair and a cleaner regularly. I saw my DD go to school and I had swept her hair up in a french roll and her neck is so beautiful so perfect with this disease she may soon have a scar down her neck from spine surgery. Yes and I am a terrible mother and an awful person. I don't know how to do this I just want everything to stop.
     
  6. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh God and now DS has come home as he collapsed again at college. This god forsaken disease is all my fault! I hate that I did this to them.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you did nothing to them ok nothing it is a disease and it can hit anyone my who family has it
    You cannot know what the future holds for them by then they could have developed so many other means to help with the illness
    You are not a reminder of what they will be h un you are reminder of love and care that you have given them ok
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Definitely not an awful person nor a terrible mother. Born free.... I promise you are neither of those things, or any other such things that your mind or others may be telling you or making you feel. Ok? You did nothing to anyone, this is not your fault no matter how much you may feel it is.

    What about calling one of your other family members and having a chat? Yes, I know you may not be completely honest with them, but just having that connection may help you a little bit right now.

    Ofc I am here either. Just take care of you. Step back from everything and let yourself breath. Ok? :hug:
     
  9. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    TE & Mo... :grouphug: I have no words, words are not enough, thank you. Hope you doing ok? Completely flat and numb today, just completely exhausted, there's no escape major contract fell through and desperately running out of options. Its that time when they come home and I need to act okay and hide how I really feel when meanwhile I long to sleep forever permanently pain free. I am breathing just not sure for how long. :hug: you both.
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. I've enormous respect for you and thank you for your kindness. Would you be up front with any other family members to see if they could help?
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.