Some time before I started to struggle with depression myself I've had a lot of friends who cut regularly. Even though I felt myself slipping I thought it couldn't be that bad, else I would've tried to hurt myself like that too, right? Then I got diagnosed two years ago and the thing is, I've never cut once in my life and I feel like that invalidates my suffering. I'm scared of that kind of physical pain. I used to slam myself into walls and furniture to get bruises but they heal so quickly, I've taken up smoking to make myself sick but it's not enough, lately I've been wanting to leave marks on my body and just. Get everything out somehow. See myself bleed. If I really hated myself as much I wouldn't be so hesitant to hurt myself. If I really suffered as much I'd just do it regardless of being scared. I know it's better that I don't cut but I just feel so stupid and useless, like I can't even do that, I'm not even courageous enough to break my skin, what if I never really suffered in the first place and just made myself believe I did so I'd get attention?