can't bring myself to do it

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by squidspice, Mar 26, 2015.

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  1. squidspice

    squidspice New Member

    Some time before I started to struggle with depression myself I've had a lot of friends who cut regularly. Even though I felt myself slipping I thought it couldn't be that bad, else I would've tried to hurt myself like that too, right?
    Then I got diagnosed two years ago and the thing is, I've never cut once in my life and I feel like that invalidates my suffering. I'm scared of that kind of physical pain. I used to slam myself into walls and furniture to get bruises but they heal so quickly, I've taken up smoking to make myself sick but it's not enough, lately I've been wanting to leave marks on my body and just. Get everything out somehow. See myself bleed.
    If I really hated myself as much I wouldn't be so hesitant to hurt myself. If I really suffered as much I'd just do it regardless of being scared.
    I know it's better that I don't cut but I just feel so stupid and useless, like I can't even do that, I'm not even courageous enough to break my skin, what if I never really suffered in the first place and just made myself believe I did so I'd get attention?
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are down but dealing depression is not easy. Can I say that you are not crying for attention but trying to cope in a difficult situation. I know it easy to say but you have to remain strong. Each day is a battle but we some how survive. Trying to stop cutting yourself is hard but you have try the alternatives like ice cubes or elastic bands.

    There is nothing wrong in crying out for help as you truly deserve the support of this site. Be brave and keep posting. I know you are hurting but be brave.
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I've been dealing with depression for decades and have never cut myself, unless you count the time when I was 5 and then I didn't really know what I was doing. The point is, your depression is in no way invalidated by the fact that you haven't cut yourself. Cutting is not a requirement, speaking from my own experience.

    When I was 5 there wasn't a great deal known about depression in children and when I cut myself, my parents response was to punish me severely for "looking for attention". Thus I find it incredibly ironic that you're thinking you might only be looking for attention because you haven't cut yourself! This business of "looking for attention" is kind of a complex one anyway. More recently I had a now-ex friend tell me I was only using depression to get attention - this is the kind of nonsense people who don't understand depression like to spout. Don't buy into it. You know you're genuinely suffering and as a suffering human being, you deserve help and support. What is "looking for attention" anyway? If you ask for help, which is a good and strong thing to do, by its very nature you're looking for attention. That's okay. You need and deserve it!

    The fact that you're reluctant to cut yourself is not a sign of cowardice, btw. It is a sign that you have healthy self-preservation mechanisms in place.

    Your entire post is proof that your suffering is real and deep. You say you were diagnosed 2 years ago with depression - are you still getting treatment? If so, please let your therapist or doctor know how bad things are right now. And have faith in yourself!
  4. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Your amount of suffering is not measured by the pain you inflict upon yourself.

    Say it out loud. Please do.

    Your amount of suffering is not measured by the pain you inflict upon yourself.

    The kind of thinking that it is sets you up for a trap. As someone who does self harm, even I am guilty of feeling as though my pain is "in my head", and that it "can't be that bad" because my cuts are not as bad as some I have seen. Once you start measuring your suffering by self harm, it opens the door for thoughts such as...

    It's not even that deep, I must be making it up


    It doesn't hurt that much, maybe I'm just an emo kid

    And that's harmful. You are suffering. Your depression is real, your experience is valid. And you don't need to hurt yourself to prove that. Look, I know how it feels to feel like you have to hurt yourself to prove that your experience is valid. I know what it's like to wonder what it feels like to self harm for the first time. If I could go back in time, rewind the clock to when I was 12, I would not do it. Not because it made my pain worse. Quite the contrary. Because it didn't make it better. It literally does nothing. It serves no purpose. It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't make my pain more valid. It only hurts. Literally and figuratively.

    Your inability to do it doesn't make your suffering invalid. It just means you're human. There's something different in the wiring of those of us who starve, or cut, or do whatever harmful behavior we do. Environment, of course, plays a role in why we do it - but there are many theories (particularly in neuroscience) that suggest there are other reasons, too. Most people don't want to be cut. It's good to not want to. As Chestnut said, it just means you have good self-preservation. But if you have thought about it, and tried, I do recommend seeking help ASAP. It is a problem that can spiral quickly if you do, one day, start.
  5. squidspice

    squidspice New Member

    Thanks for your kind words, I really needed to hear that right now.
    I'm in therapy and on antidepressants, and I've been researching and trying out a lot of coping mechanisms lately, I feel like I'm getting better at dealing with these feelings.
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