Can't cope any longer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by toooverwhelmed, Dec 4, 2010.

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  1. I need to die. By the end of the weekend, I have to be dead. I cannot face work on Tuesday. I cannot face the constant anxiety, constant terror, constant worry about what the hell I’m meant to be doing. I will never cope in this life, I will never be free from the horrible horrible feelings. I am not worth the air I breathe. I am a waste of everyone’s time. I hate myself for not going through with this before, when I’ve had the chance. Being alive only ever leads to pain, worry, fear. What’s the point? Everyone dies. Why can’t I have the choice of where and when? I’m writing out a note now so people know where I would like my stuff to go. No-one will think anything’s particularly wrong for a good few days – and by then, it’ll be too late. I just had to let someone know, someone who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know where I am or who I am.
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Funnily enough I can't face work on Tuesday either. I'm going to have to though, it's my first day back after 3 months on the sick. I know that I'll be okay when I get there. It's just the lead up to it.
    What's so bad at work that you can't face it? Why is there constant anxiety, terror and worry?
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome. please stick around for a bit and talk to us. i'd like to hear what's going on. can you take some time off work instead of such a drastic solution?
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Is there anyone you can talk to in work about your fears? I often don't know what I'm doing - sometimes I muddle through but I have often found it better to ask for help. X
  5. Hi guys. Thank you so much for the replies, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I hardly slept last night and I've been exhausted. It's a student placement for university, and there's really no way I can talk to managers or...anyone really at work. I've already been told I'm too quiet and have to be louder and ask more questions but I'm only on induction and haven't really got anything to ask questions about yet so I end up asking the stupidest things which make them look down on me even more.
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    There is no such thing as a stupid question.
    What course are you on and what's the placement? You sound as though you're mentally exhausted and need to take some time out. Since you're on a Uni placement that's going to be relatively easy to do but you need to talk to the counsellors at the Uni first.
    You also need to get some help from your doctor. All of your problems are easily solved. Uni will wait, work will wait, getting better has to take priority.
    Sending hugs,
  7. Thank you Catherine. It's a professional registration course but I don't want to say exactly what - please don't be offended, it's just that I will be too easily recognisable if I say too much about it. It's my third year placement and unfortunately I can't take any more time off it - the course has shut down meaning I am in the last year group going through and because I was hospitalised last year during placement I'm already graduating late this year. If I take any more time off, basically there is no point me carrying on the course because the uni will simply not be able to support me through to finishing. Most of the staff for my faculty are leaving at the end of the academic year, with only the essential placement related staff staying on to get the late finishers through placement. So I'm stuck really. And unfortunately I don't think I'm in a position to be able to defer and carry out my placement with another uni as I will have no financial support and don't have the money to get myself through. The uni counsellors have pretty much given up on me, and my doctor can only do so much.

    I'm sorry, I know that I've just taken everything you've suggested and stamped all over it. I just feel so stuck.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    do you have a therapisl, cpn or the like? can you make some extra appointments to get you through this rough patch? you don't have to do this alone. you have us, but you might also need more supports. no harm asking.
  9. I don't have a therapist any more, and the Crisis Team are absolutely useless where I am. I've used them before and they are just so poor :-(
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You've not stamped over everything I said, you've just given me more information which is what I needed.
    I can understand that you don't want to put personal details on this forum and I'm happy to carry on through pms if it makes you more comfortable.
    If you genuinely can't defer, then you need to get some coping strategies instead. I can tell you some of my coping strategies for work and you can see if they'll work for you. They might not, coping strategies are a very personal thing but you can try.
    Firstly, I have quite a 'serious' job. It's very pressured and peoples lives are affected by the decisions I make. I don't really get paid a lot for it and I'm the only 'breadwinner' in my family supporting both my husband and my mother in law and my youngest daughter. That adds even more pressure.
    I have bi polar disorder and the first coping strategy I use (and I think the most important one) is that I'll tell people about it. Everytime I get a new manager, I explain what the illness is and how it affects me. I tell them what they have to look out for so they know if I'm 'going off the rails'
    It was a big decision to be open about it but I've never regretted that move. I get so much support in the work place, not only from my managers but also from my colleagues. I don't think I'd have lasted without that support. It's also opened up new avenues at work for me. The HR dept ask for my advice when they think another member of staff may have a mental health problem and they don't know who to deal with it. I've been called in to mediate on behalf of staff with mental health problems - all sorts of things which help make me feel valued there. That makes a big difference.
    So I'd advise you to be open in the first place. You don't have to do it with everyone but you should let your manager know at least.
    You'd be amazed at what reasonable adjustments people will make for you. 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems as some stage in their life and just about everyone has experience of a family member or friend with mental health issues. It isn't the big taboo subject that it once was.
    The other good side to it is that you get to educate people along the way.
    Second coping strategy - one day at a time! Don't think about Tuesday today because today is Sunday so you don't have to. You don't have to think about it until Tuesday.
    Do not allow yourself to worry about things that haven't happened yet. Its hard to stop that negative behaviour pattern and like everything else it takes practise. It can be done though.
    If you're quiet at work, explain that that is just the sort of person you are. You will ask questions when you genuinely don't understand something. Its okay to be an individual and teams are made up of different types of people. Its the job of your managers to find and develop your individual talents. Any decent manager will recognise that quiet people are just as valuable as loud people.
    Another strategy - this one works in my office but may not be practical for you. When I get overwhelmed at work, I take a break for five minutes and go and walk around outside. (Actually I go for a cigarette but hopefully you don't smoke) I have an agreement that it's okay for me to do this.
    I also have people who watch out for me - if I'm getting particularly upset, one of these people will come and take me out for coffee. They let me rant until I get it out of my system. Obviously these are people I trust and it takes time to find people like that so it's not a strategy you'll be able to use straight off.
    If I'm really bad, then I'll do an hour at a time. I tell my manager that I'm giving it one more hour and then going home. Then I give it another hour etc etc as long as I can last out. I now have colleagues cheering me on which helps a lot.
    I also promise myself that at weekend I can have a day in bed if I want to. A lovely duvet day with lots of munchies to eat and either the internet on the laptop or TV (I've got one at the end of the bed) I look forward to that all week. Its my reward.
    I take a big interest in the lives of my colleagues, don't care how old they are or what their background is, I go out of my way to find out about them. Most people like to talk about themselves and appreciate that you care. That's won me a lot of friends and when I need support, the support rolls in.
    I admit when I don't know things, and like I said before, there's no such thing as a stupid question. That allows other people to help me and it makes them feel good.
    I admit my bad points - I can be very opinionated, don't suffer fools gladly and don't have much time for my employer. (Who isn't a person, its the govt) My colleagues know when I'm going over the top and 'laugh' me out of it. Or tell me straight, either one is fine with me.

    Finally, I don't understand why your counsellors have given up on you and there's probably a lot more that your doctor can do. What's the story there? Again, pm me if you're more comfortable with it.
    Sending hugs,
  11. Thanks Catherine! Those points are really good! I do smoke (I know, I need to quit!!) but when I've asked about cigarette breaks, all I get is "Well you're the only one who smokes so we don't really have a policy". People do go out quickly to buy lunch but they always eat at their desk while they're working, so even though I'm entitled to a half hour lunch break, I don't feel able to take it because no-one else does and I'm the only one with no work. My supervisor/manager does sort of know about my MH issues but I'm not sure if I would be allowed to actually carry on with the course if I'm fully honest about my diagnosis, which I'm not even totally sure I have seeing as different professionals like telling me lots of different things then blaming it on me when I say something 'wrong' that doesn't agree with whatever they say. Unfortunately I just don't think they will have the patience with me if I tell them exactly how I'm feeling - most likely I will be told that I won't be able to carry on with the work I'm doing and so this isn't an appropriate career choice. I just can't cope always feeling like this. I split up with my partner recently who was my absolute rock, he visited me when I was in hospital and nearly quit uni to come and live with me to help me get through it. I text him last night asking if he was free to chat, even just by text as I knew he had people round, as I needed some human interaction and the Samaritans hadn't replied. He ignored it, and then when I text him this afternoon literally just saying "how are you?", he's replied "Doing an essay, not in the mood for chit chat". Ok, I'll take my "I am suicidal and have exactly what I need right here" chit chat away then. :sad:

    I'm sorry. I know I'm ranting, but it has helped for me to get this all out, that's a coping technique for me! I might have a chat with my off site supervisor and see what she suggests if I get through tonight.

    Thank you again.
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Rant away! It's a great coping technique and one that people at work use a lot (including me) We send each other ranting emails when it gets bad and get it out of our systems. Then we delete the emails because we work for the govt, lol.
    You can rant at me anytime you need to. I check my inbox at least twice a day so will get a message if you've sent me a pm.
    Don't be too hard on your ex partner. Its very difficult, if not impossible, for people to give support without any training or knowledge of the subject. He may be feeling a bit burnt out or under too much pressure with his Uni course. Try not to take it personally that he can't be there for you right now.
    I don't know what to say about work because I don't know if you're in the UK or not. In the UK it's illegal not to take half an hours lunch break when you work six hours or more. Totally illegal. I have it as a reasonable adjustment that I have an hour because I can't cope with less. I leave the office completely for the hour (valuable smoking time!) and if I'm having a bad day, I find somewhere I can be alone. Usually I have lunch with someone else though. We have a 'mental health buddy' system at work where we support other people with mental health issues. I've made some great friends through that system.
    If they don't have a smoking policy then as far as I'm concerned its okay for you to go out for a cig. Again, that's in the UK though. Obviously you shouldn't take too much advantage, that wouldn't be fair. If you've got a 'clocking in' system then you can always clock off and do it on your own time.
    I don't know what your career choice is but I can't see that your mental health issues should be a problem. Funnily enough (in the UK) the only discrimination in the work place which is allowed by law concerns Disability. It is possible to discriminate because of someones disability but only from a Health and Safety point of view. So if you were blind, no one would be expected to give you a job as a taxi driver for example.
    Discrimination on the basis of mental health would be very difficult for them to prove, so it's highly unlikely that they'd be able to refuse you the work.
    If you're having problems with diagnosis, then you're going to have to work it out for yourself. I know that sounds ridiculous but you need to help yourself on this one. I was misdiagnosed with depression for years until I realised that I was actually showing signs of Bi Polar Disorder. I discussed it with my GP and he sent me to a psychiatrist who agreed that it was BPD. Took a while to get the right combo of meds but I got there in the end. I wouldn't have though,if I hadn't helped myself.
    I also make a point of always seeing the same GP. I've built up a really good relationship with him now (been seeing him for about 15 years) and he can tell when I'm getting ill just by looking at me.
    It makes things worse if you see different doctors all the time, you're on an endless cycle of explaining everything from the beginning and it all starts to feel hopeless.
    If you are in the UK and you've declared any kind of mental health problems to your manager, then they have to make reasonable adjustments by law. There is no 'list of reasonable adjustments' however so it will depend on how big the company is and what adjustment you want them to make.
    For you, reasonable adjustments would be allowing you to leave the premises for a short break during the day (as well as a decent lunch), giving you extra support... lots of things really. It's hard to say without knowing what the work is.
    Also, did you say that you don't have any work? That's the worst thing that could be going on for you. You need to have meaningful work to fill up the day otherwise you will become ill and (in the UK) they could be held responsible for it. Your employer has a duty of care towards you and the Disability Discrimination Act gives you all sorts of rights.
    Send me a pm if you need more info.
    Take care xxx
  13. Just to say I have read your reply and thank you for taking the time to write it out! I'm not feeling well though and am not up to writing a reply - but I will be back to reply when I'm feeling a bit more okay xxx
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    That's fine hun, take as long as you need. xxx
  15. Not feeling much better but am here to reply! I am in the UK, and whilst I could take the half hour lunch break, I know how awful I'd feel and how it would be seen by the others in the office who eat at their desks, only going out to buy something if they need to. The reason I have no work is because I'm on an induction period so am meant to be shadowing etc. I have done a few bits of shadowing and have a couple more bits booked in, but it's the hours in between when everyone else is trying to get their written work done and reports written on time and I'm left alone, feeling like I would be really in the way if I asked to see how they did things. I'll PM you with what course I'm doing, but unfortunately it is one of those jobs that can stop you doing it if you have certain illnesses etc as it is direct work with vulnerable people.

    Tonight needs to be the end.
  16. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    No hun, tonight doesn't need to be the end. Please let me know that you're okay. I've only just had time to reply to this thread.
    I can understand that you don't feel that you can take a lunch break but I'd ask you to reconsider that. You need the time away from your desk.
    I don't know what to suggest about the induction period. The worse thing that can happen to someone with mental health problems is having no work to do, it makes you ill. Is there any chance you could do some research on the web or something? Anything to fill the time really.
    Hopefully though the induction period won't last too long and they'll start giving you some work.
    In all honesty though hun, that job isn't the be all and end all. If that job doesn't work out for you then there are plenty of other things that you could do. I know it doesn't seem like that now but trust me on this.
    There's no job in the world, or career either that's worth killing yourself over. Absolutely none.
    Try to stay strong and try to find someone at work that you can talk to. If you're on an induction and work placement then they really should provide you with a mentor. Make an effort to build up a relationship with them.
    Let me know how you are!
    Sending hugs
  17. Hi Catherine.

    Thank you *so* much for the replies and support - especially as I'm new here and haven't really felt able to support anyone else yet. I am emailing the Samaritans at the moment as well for support but not sure how much longer I can go on - something has to break soon. I'm trying to get stuff to fill in my time, and apart from one really really stressful piece of work this week, I've got my days filled. It's just the stressful piece of work hanging over me.

    Again, thank you, it really does mean a lot xxx
  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Welcome Overwhelmed. Not much to add to Catherine post (isnt she great) just wanted to say Welcome, hope you find the support your looking for here.
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