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Can't cope anymore, too many bad things

Juella

Well-Known Member
#1
I don't really know why I post it. I guess I just need to talk.

My laptop broke. The day I was transferred to working from home because I am no longer physically able to work in the office, I am just too ill. They do have an option to take their tech home, but I have already been told it is not possible for employees on probation, so I can't do that. I guess I am going to lose this job. I just turned down the other option I had. I can't go looking for something else. I am just too unwell. I feel like life just keeps kicking me.

I called in and told them I can't work at all today, because I'm ill. That's a sort of a half-lie. I could've worked if the laptop didn't break. I can't fix it without money. I can't fix myself and get any better without buying meds and that costs money. I just can't keep jumping through hoops to make my living that is not worth living at all either way. I called or messaged every single person on my contact list that isn't just one of my past students, and they all either didn't answer at all or told me they're busy. There is no one there for me. I don't see why fight my suicidal urges, I just don't. I have nothing and no one. The hand I've been dealt with the place I live in and the health conditions I have and a family that couldn't care less forces me to build my whole life around bending backwards just to make enough money to have food and a roof over my head. Why should I want a life like this?

I am just exhausted. I put in 110% of my effort in and I got f*ck all out of it. Now I just want to die. Sorry, rant over.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#3
I don't really know why I post it. I guess I just need to talk.

My laptop broke. The day I was transferred to working from home because I am no longer physically able to work in the office, I am just too ill. They do have an option to take their tech home, but I have already been told it is not possible for employees on probation, so I can't do that. I guess I am going to lose this job. I just turned down the other option I had. I can't go looking for something else. I am just too unwell. I feel like life just keeps kicking me.

I called in and told them I can't work at all today, because I'm ill. That's a sort of a half-lie. I could've worked if the laptop didn't break. I can't fix it without money. I can't fix myself and get any better without buying meds and that costs money. I just can't keep jumping through hoops to make my living that is not worth living at all either way. I called or messaged every single person on my contact list that isn't just one of my past students, and they all either didn't answer at all or told me they're busy. There is no one there for me. I don't see why fight my suicidal urges, I just don't. I have nothing and no one. The hand I've been dealt with the place I live in and the health conditions I have and a family that couldn't care less forces me to build my whole life around bending backwards just to make enough money to have food and a roof over my head. Why should I want a life like this?

I am just exhausted. I put in 110% of my effort in and I got f*ck all out of it. Now I just want to die. Sorry, rant over.
There are some ways to help that don't cost any money. I am sorry you are feeling so low right now, but you might check my signature for links to things that can help. I wish you the best of everything. I know it is hard, I went down that path also. Hope you find a way out soon. Love and God Bless.
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#4
I don't really know why I post it. I guess I just need to talk.

My laptop broke. The day I was transferred to working from home because I am no longer physically able to work in the office, I am just too ill. They do have an option to take their tech home, but I have already been told it is not possible for employees on probation, so I can't do that. I guess I am going to lose this job. I just turned down the other option I had. I can't go looking for something else. I am just too unwell. I feel like life just keeps kicking me.

I called in and told them I can't work at all today, because I'm ill. That's a sort of a half-lie. I could've worked if the laptop didn't break. I can't fix it without money. I can't fix myself and get any better without buying meds and that costs money. I just can't keep jumping through hoops to make my living that is not worth living at all either way. I called or messaged every single person on my contact list that isn't just one of my past students, and they all either didn't answer at all or told me they're busy. There is no one there for me. I don't see why fight my suicidal urges, I just don't. I have nothing and no one. The hand I've been dealt with the place I live in and the health conditions I have and a family that couldn't care less forces me to build my whole life around bending backwards just to make enough money to have food and a roof over my head. Why should I want a life like this?

I am just exhausted. I put in 110% of my effort in and I got f*ck all out of it. Now I just want to die. Sorry, rant over.
Sometimes the task ahead just looks impossible, so just deal with it 1 tiny part at a time, if nothing else, focusing on what needs doing is a distraction from the big-picture-mess, for example, how did you laptop break? Software? Hardware? Is it fixable?
 

Juella

Well-Known Member
#6
Thank you for your support, guys!

Sometimes the task ahead just looks impossible, so just deal with it 1 tiny part at a time, if nothing else, focusing on what needs doing is a distraction from the big-picture-mess, for example, how did you laptop break? Software? Hardware? Is it fixable?
My screen backlight broke. It is most likely not fixable without replacing the screen, or at least the backlight itself (the latter might be tricky).

I was very close to actually taking my own life yesterday, when my friend called me back after not answering. I told him what happened, he offered to take a look at my laptop and to borrow his laptop for now. I know that just "taking a look at it" probably isn't going to help, but he has known me for 10 years and I suppose he knows I can do stupid things in a super-distressed state, so he just said something that will calm me down for a while.
And then I just cried for a very long time, until I finally cried myself to sleep. Feel very raw and tired today. Grateful for my friend's help, but still kind of shattered. Might actually get fired today, because company doesn't accept missing work without a doctor's note. Guess I will have to have a difficult conversation with my manager today.

Thanks again, everyone!
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#7
Thank you for your support, guys!


My screen backlight broke. It is most likely not fixable without replacing the screen, or at least the backlight itself (the latter might be tricky).

I was very close to actually taking my own life yesterday, when my friend called me back after not answering. I told him what happened, he offered to take a look at my laptop and to borrow his laptop for now. I know that just "taking a look at it" probably isn't going to help, but he has known me for 10 years and I suppose he knows I can do stupid things in a super-distressed state, so he just said something that will calm me down for a while.
And then I just cried for a very long time, until I finally cried myself to sleep. Feel very raw and tired today. Grateful for my friend's help, but still kind of shattered. Might actually get fired today, because company doesn't accept missing work without a doctor's note. Guess I will have to have a difficult conversation with my manager today.

Thanks again, everyone!
Oh, if its just the screen, you can connect another screen to it, any other screen. Most laptops have either VGA or HDMI outputs, and most TVs have one or the other. If you absolutely cant find any compatible screen, most companies IT departments will have an old shitty monitor they never quite get around to throwing out tucked into a cupboard somewhere (I work in IT so I know we have LOADS) since they are going to be thrown out anyway you could ask IT to "throw it out" in your direction. You probably cant repair the backlight without spare parts, but finding an alternative screen is quite easy by comparison.

However, you may be lucky and the backlight may just be turned off due to software. Many laptops have a function key shortcut to turn off the backlight, its all too easy to do that by accident and think the backlight is broken. You would be surprised how many hardware issues I go to fix and find out its some shitty setting someone toggled with a kot-key by accident.
 

Juella

Well-Known Member
#9
f you absolutely cant find any compatible screen, most companies IT departments will have an old shitty monitor they never quite get around to throwing out tucked into a cupboard somewhere (I work in IT so I know we have LOADS) since they are going to be thrown out anyway you could ask IT to "throw it out" in your direction.
Since you work in IT, I think you might be impressed if I tell you we had to write a two page justification to our company CEO and head of IT as to why we are throwing out and not selling a bunch of old monitors we had. It was in 2018 and those were CRT monitors. But that's probably just extreme greediness of our top-management, maybe someone else does throw monitors away. After all, even a CRT would help in this situation.

As for the software, unfortunately I checked the Fn button. It's also not OS, because the screen is dark when the BIOS is loading too.

Thanks everyone. My life's a mess, but at least I feel supported here. You're all amazing, a great community.
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#10
Since you work in IT, I think you might be impressed if I tell you we had to write a two page justification to our company CEO and head of IT as to why we are throwing out and not selling a bunch of old monitors we had. It was in 2018 and those were CRT monitors. But that's probably just extreme greediness of our top-management,
Not impressed, and not so much surprised, it really does depend on the management. I work for an IT managed service provider, and the finance managers of each of our clients are usually the ones to deal with the money issues and they are all very different, some will try to beat us down for every penny and reuse 20 year old PCs, others will ask us to come and throw out 50+ PCs, Monitors, Keyboards, etc out of nowhere. Ourselves we have a stock of the best of the old crap just incase we need to give a freebie as a temporary measure.

You could try searching sites like Freecycle.org for old monitors, you never know, my brother in law got a piano there once.
 
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