I don't really know why I post it. I guess I just need to talk.
My laptop broke. The day I was transferred to working from home because I am no longer physically able to work in the office, I am just too ill. They do have an option to take their tech home, but I have already been told it is not possible for employees on probation, so I can't do that. I guess I am going to lose this job. I just turned down the other option I had. I can't go looking for something else. I am just too unwell. I feel like life just keeps kicking me.
I called in and told them I can't work at all today, because I'm ill. That's a sort of a half-lie. I could've worked if the laptop didn't break. I can't fix it without money. I can't fix myself and get any better without buying meds and that costs money. I just can't keep jumping through hoops to make my living that is not worth living at all either way. I called or messaged every single person on my contact list that isn't just one of my past students, and they all either didn't answer at all or told me they're busy. There is no one there for me. I don't see why fight my suicidal urges, I just don't. I have nothing and no one. The hand I've been dealt with the place I live in and the health conditions I have and a family that couldn't care less forces me to build my whole life around bending backwards just to make enough money to have food and a roof over my head. Why should I want a life like this?
I am just exhausted. I put in 110% of my effort in and I got f*ck all out of it. Now I just want to die. Sorry, rant over.
My laptop broke. The day I was transferred to working from home because I am no longer physically able to work in the office, I am just too ill. They do have an option to take their tech home, but I have already been told it is not possible for employees on probation, so I can't do that. I guess I am going to lose this job. I just turned down the other option I had. I can't go looking for something else. I am just too unwell. I feel like life just keeps kicking me.
I called in and told them I can't work at all today, because I'm ill. That's a sort of a half-lie. I could've worked if the laptop didn't break. I can't fix it without money. I can't fix myself and get any better without buying meds and that costs money. I just can't keep jumping through hoops to make my living that is not worth living at all either way. I called or messaged every single person on my contact list that isn't just one of my past students, and they all either didn't answer at all or told me they're busy. There is no one there for me. I don't see why fight my suicidal urges, I just don't. I have nothing and no one. The hand I've been dealt with the place I live in and the health conditions I have and a family that couldn't care less forces me to build my whole life around bending backwards just to make enough money to have food and a roof over my head. Why should I want a life like this?
I am just exhausted. I put in 110% of my effort in and I got f*ck all out of it. Now I just want to die. Sorry, rant over.