Can't cope...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost_Dashite, Jul 5, 2011.

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  1. Lost_Dashite

    Lost_Dashite Senior Member

    This has nothing to do with anything, but this --> :hamtaro: is a very cute emoticon... And sorry for how long this is..

    I feel worthless, useless.. I don't even feel like I deserve help/support anymore...

    I'm trying so hard to hang on, to not give up, to not cut. But I don't know why any more. I have hardly any friends irl, and they aren't they for me anyway. I'n the past month or so I've been so close to ending it; I don't know what stopped me.

    I know it would be easier for people if I was gone. My families short of money, so with one less kid it would ease that up, with one less lot of school fees, one less mouth to feed, one less person. :cry: It seems like my mum's constantly angry at me, and I don't know why. I don't think she understands my depression.

    I've had urges to self harm all night, and I really don't know what to do anymore... Last week someone was encouraging me to cut...

    I'm lost and broken. In the mind, heart and soul. People say it gets better, but what if it never does? For me, it doesn't seem like it's going to.

    "By car? By rope? By water? These are the thoughts constantly going through my head, the thoughts I'm trying to ignore, the thoughts that are strengthening by the second. My vision frequently blurred, but tears never spilling over. A smile plastered on, to give the impression that everything's ok. But it's not. Ok is far from what everything is. Ok is the exact opposite of what everything is. Everything can be described in two words: "too much".

    But wait, what is everything? Everything is my life, and all that comes into contact with it. Yes, life is too much. School is too much. I can't cope anymore. People say "hold on, it gets better". How do they know? Have they been so low that the will to live was stolen from them by depression? Do they have to cope with pressure to do well in school when they can't even cope with life? Do they have to fight urges all day, every day? It hasn't got better for twelve years, and worsened in the past three. I've been bullied for 3/4 of my life, and suffered depression for 1/4. When they say "it gets better", do they know the pain of the person standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff? For many, the answer is no.

    Sometimes it feel like no one cares, no one understands. I feel empty and alone, like a forgotten shipwreck. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm alive, simply existing.

    At night, it's the hardest. When it's dark, quiet, and I'm alone the thoughts get louder; try to consume me. The urges get harder to resist. Yet I somehow do. The thick rope I used to hold on to has frayed away to a thread and one of my hands slipped off. I'm hanging off the cliff by a thread, held in one hand. I'm calling for help, reaching for help. Losing hope. Please, hear me before my thread snaps. Please. I need help."

    I wrote that the other day. It's still how I feel. But I'm really struggling to cope right now, and don't really have anyone to talk to.

    Right now, I'm crying. I got triggered last night. When I cut a piece of paper. I don't feel safe anymore. I need someone to care. Someone to listen. Someone to be a friend :cry:
  2. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Hey Lauren,
    Trust me- I know how you feel.
    I'm sorry that you're sad and depressed. I know the feeling.
    Trust me your family would never get over losing you. Please continue to keep holding on. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I can just listen too.
    Hugs to you.
  3. Lost_Dashite

    Lost_Dashite Senior Member

    Thanks Autumn. I'm just lonely and confused and depressed and I don't know where to go from here :'( I don't see a future for myself :(
  4. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello Lauren,

    I am here to help you, i can understand that you are feeling lonely and depressed - i'll work with you on all of your feelings/thoughts.

    Every single human being, including yourself, deserve to receive the support - you deserve to live - you deserve to fight - you deserve to achieve your dreams.

    You can fight and you can win suicide, i was suicidal however i have won this over - this fight is not an easy fight, however you have the power to get out of the fight as the winner.

    Imagine a tunnel, the tunnel has an entrance and an exit - the tunnel inside is dark. Right now you are inside the tunnel, you feel lonely - you feel frightened, you feel confused - the tunnel has an exit however - you just need some time and you'll reach the exit and you'll be so happy.

    Of course it wouldn't be easier for people if you were dead, your family needs you - your family is passing through a difficult time however you are still part of their family.

    How many brothers/sisters do you have?

    Your mother is also passing through a difficult time as she is thinking about your future and is probably unsure of what to do, she needs you and you need her.

    I understand your feelings, you feel so sad you just want to get it over and done with. However you don't actually need to do this, you can fight and you will win.

    Who encouraged you cut yourself?

    Ofcourse it gets better, you're passing through a very difficult time currently - you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Crying helps a lot, just let yourself cry whenever you feel you want to cry.

    Everything does get better, i've been through suicide and i can say this and i have been in extreme depression so i can fully understand you.

    Your family cares about you i am sure - i can understand that sometimes you feel that no one is there for you, no one cares for you - sometimes family members are not very understanding.

    For me its very positive that you are asking for help - a part of you wants to leave and i want us to try and hold onto this part.

    Bearing in mind your financial situation have you thought about going to the hospital for some days to relax and get some fresh air?

    I am here to provide you as much help as you need, i am ready to listen and help you.

    Well done, crying helps a lot as it lets you to express your emotions even to yourself.
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