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Can't delude myself anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LetItGo, Jul 15, 2007.

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  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I know i shouldn't be here, but i just don't have anybody to bring these feelings up with, knowing full well that nothing anybody says matters anyway.

    My psych is so busy thinking I'm on the "path to getting well"...i just don't think she sees the reality of my situation anymore. I tell my mother I feel terrible. "What's wrong?", "everything" *sigh*. Always the same question, always the same answer, always the same reaction. Who can blame her? dealing with this shit since i was a fucking teenager.

    I wish i didn't feel the way I do, I read about people suffering terrible illnesses, cancer etc, and it makes me feel horrible to be this way, but then again i guess I've also suffered a lot in silence over the last decade or so, fought a silent war with myself and the only battle I've ever won is staying alive. I haven't made any progress in my life for years now, and honestly, truthfully, I don't think i ever can. My psych always gets me to look at the positive, but its an exercise in deceiving myself and manufacturing small wins that really don't exist. I told her that as well, think I upset her a bit with the fact i can see right through the way shes trying to manipulate my mind to fool me into thinking i've made progress. Shes a really nice person, she deserves to know shes dealing with a lost cause.

    I'm not looking for advice, or a pep talk, or anyone to tell me ill be ok, because I know deep down I never will be. There isn't a whole lot to me, but there are things that nobody knows, both physical and mental, that can never be fixed or made right, it kills me every day, and its just something i don't think i can ever deal with.

    People say suicide is selfish and cowardly? I couldn't disagree more. Everyone has the free will to decide there fate on this earth. Ive been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I just know, that for me, life is never going to be anything but a constant battle with myself, no room for happiness, no room for laughter, no room for love.

    One act and it all goes away.

    (P.S I'm sorry Julie, I really want to talk to you, but not like this...not the way I am right now, I'm sorry)
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Matty:sad: :hug:
  3. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Same here, but would you accept me or someone else doing that one act?? There are lots of people who see a good future for you. When you're depressed you only see the bad things. Please just believe us, trust us. Let us help you to let you see what we see. Unfortunately I dont really know how, but I really want to try and there are definately others who can.
    I really hope you decide to talk to me. I dont care if you're like this. I do care, because i want you to feel better, blegh you get the point, sorry >.<
  4. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Hey Matty

    Sorry that i havent been online much to talk to u, i have thought about u sometimes tho and wondered how u are.....it seems not so good! I really wish u could take a step back and see what the rest of us can see. I wish you would let someone in and let their words make u feel something. U have heart which u have trained to b numb to this pain, let urself feel, get rid of the emotion and in time u will b left with just ur wonderful self.

    I know u said that no1 can say n e thing that will change ur mind but i feel so helpless sitting back and doing nothing. These words r coming from an 18 year old girl, but this is an 18 year old girl who has been through alot so please dont disregard what i have to say.

    U say that the only battle u have ever won is staying alive...that in itself is something incredible! U've been fighting this battle for alot longer than alot of people who chose to give up. The fact that ur holding on to life, no matter what kind of life that is, should make u very proud.

    I'm not going to pretend that i understand or that i know how u feel, because the truth is that nobody ever really can...but that doesnt mean ur alone. Generally, we r all here fighting the same battle. And those of us who come to this site are the ones who r winning...we r reaching out when others would b curled up all alone. Although i havent met u in person and havent had as much life experence as most, i can PROMISE u that u CAN live a life that is far better than this. It's not going to be perfect, its not always going to be easy..but who wants a perfect life anyway? Who wants to b the best at everything they do? Where is the challenge in that kind of life?

    The longer u stand in the rain u r in at the moment, the brighter and more beautiful the rainbow at the other end will be. Dont u dare give up on that rainbow because for someone as kind and caring as u, it is bound to come!

    I dont know how much the words of someone like myself mean to u, but i hope that something i said got through to u!

    U have my number and email address if there is anything i can do...

    Dont give up now, u've done more than most would have the courage to do! :smile:

    Luv Shauna Lea xo
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2007
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I can especially identify with this part. People just don't get it. You can tell them this verbatim and it's like it goes right through them. The most of an affect it will have is that they'll try a different tactic in order to try and tell you that you don't know what you're talking about. But it never occurs to them that I've heard or thought of every possible thing they could say in the 30 some odd years I've had to think it over.
  6. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Maybe thats the problem Random, "thinking". I tend to do a lot of it, because I'm trapped and cant, don't, wont do anything else. I'm pathetic when its all said and done, half a person, a shadow of the person I could have been. When challenged I've always run away or gone into hiding, it fucking disgusts me, my weakness. Use to think i was mentally pretty strong, well you know just getting by all the years in the face of depression isn't strength, its weakness, because if I was strong i would have changed this shit by now or topped myself. Inaction is weakness, being idle is weakness, being stubborn is weakness, lacking the fucking courage to kill myself is the ultimate fucking weakness of all. How pathetic is it, cant even talk to some people now, cant even be happy for them when I should be. Think I've lost whatever humanity I had left, I should be happy for friends that find someone, but all I feel is jealousy, such a sad, sad man.

    I think my life is going into shutdown now. All i do is eat, sleep, play around on the internet. So many dreams, never have any of it, do any of it, be with anyone involved in it. I think my body has become attuned to my mind and heart, what looks like will happen. Every day another tear rolls down, its like the final death throws of my life.

    Sorry Julie, sorry Shauna, I cant be helped it seems, although I appreciate the kindness you have shown me, and the time you've taken so many times to be there for me, talk this stuff through, but I don't think I can do it. Its too late, its just all too late. I'm sorry for everyone that has tried to help, you all know who you are, with any luck, you wont have to waste your time on me for much longer. sorry
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2007
  7. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    :( sorry should learn to keep my shit to myself.
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If you can't tell us..who can you tell :unsure: :hug:
  9. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Matt I dont fucking care if you think its a waste of time, because its not for me. I wanna try everything I can do, because you're worth it. Not that I can do a lot, not that it helps. Sorry for that, I wish I could. Its never too late!
    lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:
  10. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member


    you know you can always talk to me even though I am a blunt pain in the ass..please pm me if you need to chat..even if it is at a low point and i promise i won't say get a job.
  11. Persephone

    Persephone Active Member

    This post should be deleted. It was a mistake.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2007
  12. Persephone

    Persephone Active Member

    Oh, Lord, but I do know the feeling that there is something wrong with you that can never be fixed and that your entire life is determined by those painful failings which will forever keep you from entering the world of happiness. I live with those feelings day-in and day-out. But that does NOT mean that your life is not worth living.

    I know you didn't ask for advice; but I am a 60 year veteran of depression and suicidal tendencies - I inherited them from my mother. I would like to think that my suffering can sometimes be useful to others and I have some insight to offer. I don't care if you get angry with me - anger is healthier than depression- but please listen first.

    Your feeling that there is something wrong with you is a judgement call coming from somewhere in your own head. Please accept this thought: There is something wrong with everyone; but not everyone condemns himself/herself to misery for it. I actually think I can help you there a little if you let me.

    Perhaps your therapist is not the appropriate kind for you. But shame on you for deceiving her. If you feel there are things wrong with you that "nobody" knows about, then you are not playing fair. For heaven's sake spill the beans.

    Those feeling are like mushrooms: they thrive in the dark. Before you decide your life isn't worth living, try letting in some light. I think you don't want to because it is too painful. I promise you it is not as painful as what you are going through right now.
  13. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member


    You may think your pathetic, half a person, a nobody, etc but your not. By talking about it you've proven your the opposite. You can overcome this. Your just in a deep hole at the moment but once you step out of that, you will be better.
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