can't do it anymore...

I'm really new here...but definitely having a crisis.

Last night I was thinking - my family has kicked me out of the house in the past and made me the "problem child", they blame me whenever everyone doesn't get along. We hardly talk, even when I try. Most of my friends are pretty crappy. I'm not religious, and I'm not working anywhere right now. I haven't even picked up my bass for over 2 months, and that's the closest thing to religion or a job that I have. My health is not good, because of my eating disorder. I'm about to owe $200k for school and be living in a city where I don't know even one person.
So I realized, that's...family, religion, friendships, health, work, and money that I don't have going for me right now. I nearly did it last night but I didn't want my parents to wake up on their anniversary [today] and find me like that.

I've been feeling worse and worse the last month or so...nightmares, insomnia, crying every other day at least, no motivation, and not getting along with my best friend, K, at all. He's sick of me crying to him all the time [because he's the only one that'll listen...most of my other friends are now screening my calls, great huh?]. I just make all my friends worry. I just can't see what the point is, or what to hold out for, anymore. People say I should be happy that I got into a good school, and that I'll be living in a great city, but I'm not. I'm scared of living in a new city with no friends, and scared of all the debt I'll be in.

I've been to the hospital twice and they didn't really help me at all [in fact I made one of the social workers there mad when I quit outpatient/group therapy], I'm in counseling and I don't believe my therapist when she says I'm not fat/ugly/stupid/etc because - I'm paying her to say that, and I don't believe any of my friends when they say the same thing because I feel like I bother them into saying it. Even K said he knows that if I went to the hospital it wouldn't help.

this part seems kind of trivial, but it's what really set things off. Of course at home [I'm nearly 19 :sad: I hate living at home] I don't always get along with my younger brother. we had some stupid arguement...then he went to go cry to my mother because I asked him to turn down the volume on his video game. somehow this escalated into both of them calling me a wh*re. because, yes, I've had sex, which is none of their d*** business but my parents know, and for some reason decided to share that information with my 15-year old brother. and the only time my parents actually knew about -- I was raped by an exbf. so that got to me, really, really bad. they never believed that at that time, I was assaulted, and now it feels like they are saying it was my fault.

Everyone's known that I've felt bad these last few weeks, and it's just like they're trying to push me over the edge. My own family.
I think they have... I don't know. I have yahoo messenger if anybody wants to chat on there... :\ thanks for listening.

 

hi thepassenger, as i'm reading ur post i feel really pissed, well not at u, but at this fuckin world. wut has this world come to be? y is it so fuckn hard to be alive? how hard is it to simply be happy and that's all we ask for? the suicide rate keeps increasing. suicide rate in other countries are even higher, i mean where in hell is this world heading? i think i'm in similar situaltion like u. i have no close friends to talk to, and my family is fucked up. sometimes my family pushes me to the verge of death. tho i'm a christian, i really hate God, i hate him for bringing me here and not helping me. well i guess there's nothing we could but to do our best to hang in there. it truly requires tremendous courage just to stay alive. as for ur family, i would beat them so bad that they'll never mess with me again if i were u, lol. well, just ignore those ignorant fools. a family is suppose to support each other, but ur family called u a *****, so i don't know wut else to say about them. well, if u don't wonna live with ur family, i suggest u see a counselor (not for emotional issues) for how to be successful on your own, like get a degree, find a career that u like, and earn ur own money and one day u'll find ur happiness, lol. life is not suppose to be lived alone, it's suppose to be shared with everyone, so let's share our pain and happiness okay? good luck to you! don't give up ^^

 

thanks...good luck to you as well.
I've been trying to get a job for a while, but since I'm leaving for school in a month I've kind of given up on that for now. Also my parents are supposed to be helping me pay for school so I can't ditch them :\ lol.

 

things've gotten worse...if that's possible... I tried to talk to my mother about things and she flat out told me she thinks not only that I lied about the assault but that it was my fault "if it happened". she actually said it.
I found out I weigh 99lbs now. and I'm not short at all. that depresses me pretty bad, that I'm that sick.
my brother went to therapy today "because of me". I'm the bad guy again.
plus, K's trying to get me to tell him how to fix 3 different things about his computer over the phone, and I have no idea how but that doesn't stop him from yelling and yelling ["how can you not know?!?! isn't it on google?!?!"] and swearing so loud it hurts my ear through the phone. here come the "I can't do anything right" feelings.
the first part is the worst by far though. oh man.
I really don't know what to do...I should probably stop b****ing on here...but I don't have anyone to talk to in real life, and I honestly don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold on. I told K he can have my bass guitar even though I'm upset with him. it's my favorite thing and I don't want my parents to have it.

 

Hey..

I feel depressed as I am reading your post. I know what its like when no one including your family cares about how you feel and what you are going through. My folks never once love me for real and they are the root cause of my depression and all the hell I am going through till now. Its sick to know how people who are supposed to shower us with love and be there for us treat us like we don't exist. I hate my parents really and I would love to get out of their sight forever so I won't have to see them anymore as well as my so-called brothers who gives a damn about nothing but themselves.

I can see that your parents and your brother don't deserve your kindness at all. They know what you have been through and instead of being supportive they treated you like that. I can't understand why must parents be like that. I myself doesn't have any friends in real life to help me. No one would listen and no one to confide in. Its only SF and also The Samaritans who I write to all the time. They don't always have solutions to problem but they are always there to listen and advise which is very comforting to me. Maybe you can try getting support from them too? I am not sure if it is good for you.

I was diagnosed with major depression, depressive disorder headaches and ADHD already. If I am going back to my doctor I am gonna be given hundreds of meds and be diagnosed with more disorders so I decided to fight this on my own and I realize its tougher than I thought. Much much more. But right now I don't think I want to give up because I have gone so far. You have been through this for almost twenty years now, it shows that you have some strength inside for being able to fight those feelings.

I never love my folks too and I don't respect them but I still have to stay with them but its a matter of time before I move out and I can't wait for that day to happen. Maybe you can continue being in SF and if possible getting help from people you can trust to help you go through this and one day when you can afford to move out, it would be good. Sometimes psychiatrist can only do so much and maybe you are right, its more like their job. I can't remember a time I feel truly happy or have a good nights sleep in many years and I hope this hell will be over soon.

You can PM, IM (yahoo messenger) or email me anytime you feel like sharing with me. Right now, I hope you can hang on and try to find happiness. I know its a struggle for people like us to feel happy but I guess this is what we got to do to find strength in order to endure this. Of course you are free to post and talk about how you feel anytime. As for your family, they will someday regret if when finally realize how wrong they are to you. And they deserve to feel bad for treating you this way.

Oh yeah, if you ever feel like writing to The Samaritans, their email is jo@samaritans.org. Don't give up now coz you have been through a lot. Keep fighting it and if you wanna talk, I will be there to share your thoughts always. Right now, cheer up! I want you to try and be happy.

Hope to talk to you soon.. ^_^

 

That's soo unfair, the situation you are in. I know it seems like a mountain to climb but you can do it. Take it each step at a time. Also you have friends on here that are there for you. If it helps, then feel free to PM me anytime.

Hope it all works out for you. All the best.

 

Hey you know what, i felt like that until i left home. Then when you are so busy working and cooking, bills, cleaning etc then you don't have time to worry lol. I'm not much older than you but sometimes i feel it. I don't think death is really a good idea, it might be really painful, i would be scared to die. I have loads to do first, and if your going to die because of things at home then maybe you should move out. Get a job. I'm a problem child, well actually probably just fucking annoying lol. What are kids for. Me and my sister used to beat the shit out of each other. Don't worry, you don't need to. You need to be happy and smile, and if your parents piss you off just say, "Ok." and smile, it will surprise them.