I'm really new here...but definitely having a crisis. Last night I was thinking - my family has kicked me out of the house in the past and made me the "problem child", they blame me whenever everyone doesn't get along. We hardly talk, even when I try. Most of my friends are pretty crappy. I'm not religious, and I'm not working anywhere right now. I haven't even picked up my bass for over 2 months, and that's the closest thing to religion or a job that I have. My health is not good, because of my eating disorder. I'm about to owe $200k for school and be living in a city where I don't know even one person. So I realized, that's...family, religion, friendships, health, work, and money that I don't have going for me right now. I nearly did it last night but I didn't want my parents to wake up on their anniversary [today] and find me like that. I've been feeling worse and worse the last month or so...nightmares, insomnia, crying every other day at least, no motivation, and not getting along with my best friend, K, at all. He's sick of me crying to him all the time [because he's the only one that'll listen...most of my other friends are now screening my calls, great huh?]. I just make all my friends worry. I just can't see what the point is, or what to hold out for, anymore. People say I should be happy that I got into a good school, and that I'll be living in a great city, but I'm not. I'm scared of living in a new city with no friends, and scared of all the debt I'll be in. I've been to the hospital twice and they didn't really help me at all [in fact I made one of the social workers there mad when I quit outpatient/group therapy], I'm in counseling and I don't believe my therapist when she says I'm not fat/ugly/stupid/etc because - I'm paying her to say that, and I don't believe any of my friends when they say the same thing because I feel like I bother them into saying it. Even K said he knows that if I went to the hospital it wouldn't help. this part seems kind of trivial, but it's what really set things off. Of course at home [I'm nearly 19 :sad: I hate living at home] I don't always get along with my younger brother. we had some stupid arguement...then he went to go cry to my mother because I asked him to turn down the volume on his video game. somehow this escalated into both of them calling me a wh*re. because, yes, I've had sex, which is none of their d*** business but my parents know, and for some reason decided to share that information with my 15-year old brother. and the only time my parents actually knew about -- I was raped by an exbf. so that got to me, really, really bad. they never believed that at that time, I was assaulted, and now it feels like they are saying it was my fault. Everyone's known that I've felt bad these last few weeks, and it's just like they're trying to push me over the edge. My own family. I think they have... I don't know. I have yahoo messenger if anybody wants to chat on there... :\ thanks for listening.