Can't do it anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kohdii, Jun 13, 2010.

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  1. Kohdii

    Kohdii Member

    I am a dropout stupid of me I know. I am in debt, in a dead end, entry level, minimum wage, part time job that I LOATHE. I can't go back. I can not stay at my job another week. I am going insane. I literally planned out how to kill myself today and I almost did it today except it was stormy out and I wanted my last day to be a nice sunset.

    I dont know if I should go through with it. It just seems as there are no options or anything to do. I just don;t have the mental capacity most have to deal with jobs they hate, and to endure situations that are dead ended. I am 19 and I already fucked my life up enough to keep me in the dirt for the rest of my life. I literally have no friends or people to hang out with. Girls ignore me and I've never had any experience with a relationship so now girls all automatically assume there is a problem with me.

    I have severe bipolar/depression/schizophrenia problems as well. I have no insurance so I can't get help. I'm lost and confused.

    Please help me.
  2. fannin

    fannin Member

    I had jobs at 19 that left me paralyzed with dread. I was sure I was going to slog through that sorry-ass, demeaning crap the rest of my life. But there's no chance in hell you're going to remain long in that position. The economy can't suck forever. Concentrate on what you're good at and what makes you happy and jump into the field closest to it. Then network and build your rep. (Easy for me to say, right?)

    Good luck.
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Have you considered going back to highschool? 19 is not too young.
  4. Kohdii

    Kohdii Member

    No, I am a college dropout.
  5. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    You are dealing with a lot of external situations that can change if given time. I know its common to be skeptical about this but opportunities arise, things always change in time if you are patient. Maybe you won't even have to look for what you are seeking, maybe it will just come up to you. Maybe it will take a little while for it to fall into place or present itself, but it can only happen if you have your eyes open, seize these opportunities in order to make your life happier when they come.
  6. Kohdii

    Kohdii Member

    I've been patient, I try so hard to keep going and over the years it's been getting harder. And now its everyday I feel like it's almost time for me to breakdown and die. I know Im only 19 but I consider myself an old soul, I feel like I've been here for a long while, I always feel mentally and emotionally "tired."
    It almost feels like I've been here before. I hate it. And I have that feeling that something great will present itself to me or feelings of being "special" and these current situations are a test of some sort, but I know thats just a sub-conscious coping complex I have created in my psyche to help myself endure, but its not helping anymore. Besides, nothing good happens. Everytime I am SURE something good will happen I am left disappointed. Even when I try really hard and go out of my way to make something good happen it turns into a disaster that I have just come to laugh at in hopelessness of it ever succeeding. Suicide is the only thing that keeps me even going day to day, just knowing there is a way out. But even that is uncertain. But the idea of me orchestrating my last day on earth, the image of it in my head after I have pulled the trigger, what I personally imagine when I hear music playing in the wind when people find my body in the field, under a lone tree with a carefully written letter of my last thoughts, I just find it a very romantic tragedy. It has become an obsession. If I can not find beauty in my life, I can create in my death. The idea that maybe, say, the day after my suicide, had I waited ONE MORE day I would have met the love of my life, or have run into a great opportunity to achieve my dream to travel the world, but had just missed it by that much, I find simply heart crushingly beautiful. If there really is nothing after death, I won't even remember all of this that is here, it won't have ever existed. The fact that it'd just be done, is sad but peaceful. If life goes on after death, I fear I may not have the energy for the afterlife, whether it be heaven or hell, it would be torment for me.

    I guess you could say I am completely miserable and even death may not bring me peace, and that is part of the beauty of tragedy. I am sure this sounds like the ramblings of a mad man, and I am certain I am losing parts of my sanity, but what else can you do when you have to resort to simply surviving your own mentality.

    The human mind is not designed to be alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2010
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