Can't do it right now

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SoTired, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    So it's been a while since I've posted anything, or been online, or chatted, or such. It's been bad. I can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I've lost it, and I really don't know how to get it back.

    I know I'm not making a whole lot of sense right now. Let me try and slow down a little.

    I've been home for like two weeks now. In that time things have gotten progressively worse. I don't sleep, I can't concentrate or really do anything. I get angry and confused and bitter at pretty much everything. It's gotten so bad, I can't even really take care of myself anymore. I'm scared. I just want it to stop. The suicidal thoughts are getting really bad again and the meds don't seem to be helping at all.

    I'm just done. I can't bring myself to fight this, I can't move past these feelings. I've been trying my cbt, been taking my meds, and I just keep getting worse. I can't get any pleasure from anything anymore. I don't feel like I can leave the house because outside is too big and too scary. None of the things that used to help me relax are working. I'm just losing it.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb, worthless, and empty. Anyways, I'm sorry for all this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, as most of my friends on here know there was a period in my life where I was a complete recluse for 5 years, yeah 5 long miserable hard years. Trust me when I say you don't want to go down and face that dark lonely road. The longer you leave it the worse it gets it just keeps building up and up and the outside gets more scary by the day, check online and contact the out and about association, they might be able to give you good solid advice and tips, you can e-mail them, they were who my doctor initially contacted about me when she didn't know what to do. These days I leave the house most days, when I don't feel like going outside I make myself go. I remind myself of the hell I put myself into all the way back in 2004. Please reach out for help and you will be helped. Inform your CBT counsellor that the counselling is not working and that your medications aren't effective enough or at all. Help is out there, you just need to reach out for it. I wish you the very best of luck in your journey to recovery.
    iam likes this.
  3. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Thanks Petal. I don't really know, I wish that I felt like I could do something about this. I don't know if anything's going to help at this point. I'll try and contact those people. I know what I'm doing isn't good, I just have a hard time getting past it. It's so much easier to hide from the problems than to confront them. I just wish I felt safe right now. I'm in a safe place, and I still feel like the world is too much. But thank you. I'll try.
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have been where Petal has been, on and off for 8 yrs, constantly for the last 3 and she is so right, that road only goes one way. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. I dont care what you do, but you have to get out of the prison you are creating for yourself. You wont feel safe, your anxiety levels will be off the scale, but it will get slowly easier. The operative word being "slowly".

    Dont burden yourself with unrealistic expectation. Start with 5 minutes outside and build on it. Dont expect to to spend a full day walking round the shops and then think you will feel ok. But you can do it. Baby steps, realistic goals and help. Petal gives good advice, take it and use it and dont be affraid to tell people if something is not working for you. Everyone is different and different things work for different people, there is no wrong or right.
  5. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    I know it's been a while since I've posted. I just don't know what to do anymore. Things just keep getting worse, and know it feels like my life has gone completely down the crapper. I've basically given up. I've been suspended from school because I missed too much time and they won't let me register until I have proof that all my problems are under control. So now my loans have come due. I've got no recourse at this point.

    School was the last thing that was really important to me. I just wanted to graduate. I failed out the first time, and now this disease has taken my second chance away from me. There's no way that it will happen now. No doctor can tell me if or when my latest set of issues will be fixed, and no therapist is going to say that I'm okay. Even if I can find a job to pay down the loans, I'm never going to be able to do that and afford to finish school. I've lost the last thing I wanted. I'm falling apart and getting worse every day.

    I really think this is it. I can see evidence that my illness is coming back, I can't deal with another run in the hospital. There's nothing left here for me, I lost everything I ever wanted in one email. I dunno, I think this is a goodbye message. I can't tell anyone else, so I guess I'll tell you guys - at least you seem to understand. Makes sense at least - I failed at everything else, I guess failing at life is right up my alley.
  6. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Right now, I really dont know what to say, so I shall say little. Are you safe? If not, pick up the phone and talk to somebody please. talk to me here if it helps any. I dont know you or much about your situation, I just see the world of pain you are in.
  7. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Well, I think safe is a relative term. My mom is home, so I'm unlikely to do anything now. There's not much else to say about my situation. College was the last big goal on my list, I was willing to put myself into huge amounts of debt to do it. I've got an incurable illness that the doctors keep telling me will get under control, but so far it just puts me into the hospital every time I feel like I get my feet under me. The depression keeps getting worse, the anxiety and panic are keeping me almost completely solitary. I've tried to date, but when I tell people about my illness I suddenly no longer exist as a person, and people just vanish. I don't know what else to say.

    People here have told me I need to force myself to get out, but most days I can hardly force myself to do much beyond lay in bed. I hardly take care of myself anymore. I feel like I'm just waiting for my body to realize that I died a long time ago. It's funny, I don't really feel sad anymore. People talk about a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but the problems are permanent, and I don't see any other way. It's almost easy now. When you hit the bottom, you can finally get the strength to do what you need to. For me, I think the only answer anymore is to end it. I've been fighting for so long, I don't see any other way than to surrender.
  8. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Safe for now, that will do for me. I saw you were in chat yesterday when I wrote my previous reply, so I knew you were ok then.

    So whats the illness if you dont mind me asking [yeah, I'm a nosey old bugga] I also have 2 incurable illnesses, but thats another story. I am more interested in yours as mine is just tedious.
  9. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    I'm HIV positive. Means that every time I start to try and date someone, and they find out, I become a non-person, or I get called a whore/slut/ect like it's my fault. I got the disease from an ex of mine who cheated on me. Yay.

    So now I get to deal with the side-effects of the medication which causes my platelets to tank and puts me in the hospital. Or I go off the meds and die. What fun.
  10. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yeah, thats kinda fucked up alright. Whats platelets, not sure I am familiar with that, maybe I should google and try to educate myself. I found what DID was yesterday.

    I see you like LotR, so its not all bad news!

    Just a lot of people now live with being HIV, can you. I know nothing, so it might be a silly question.
  11. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Platelets are what makes blood clot. So when platelets are low, I get bruises everywhere, little red spots on my skin that are actually little bleeds, and could stroke out or have other internal bleeding for no reason.

    I know a lot of people live with HIV. It's not the illness, it's the blame, the stigma, the feeling like an outcast. The constant fear that I won't be able to get more of my meds (they cost 3,000 dollars a month). It's the side effects, the persistent issues that won't go away. It's finding out that even with my meds the disease keeps getting worse. And that's not the cause of the mental issues, just another thing on top of the pile.
  12. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Theres not really anything I can say is there. I now fully understand where you are at and coming from.