Cant do it...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by White Dove, Jul 5, 2007.

  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i just cant do it anymore..

    i just cant stand my life...

    i always screw things up or hurt people.. Seems thats all i am ever doing..

    i hate this life.. i hate myself.. i just cant do this anymore... I cant do it.. no matter how hard i try i always end up doing the wrong dang thing.. look what i did tonight.. i made others hate me.. i made them hate me now...

    all these tears and this hurt and pain i feel is really because of me.... it is all my fault... I am just so stupid and so worthless.. Heck even here i get called walling in my own self pity.. heck they are right. i am dumb , stupid , and crazy for thinking i could ever find anyone to love me... I cant even get my own dam family to accept and love me now...

    Why in the heck did i think i could be loved here? I am so stupid i ought to be shot.. but death will come soon to me now anyhow cause it is done.. it is so done and i cant change that now.. All i ever wanted or needed was someone to just love me.. just be friends with me..but no even i screw all that up and even on a support forum... i am just so stupid.. I dont even know why i am even still alive.. Why i am even breathing... Death can not come quick enough for me...

    God why? Why did i have to do this? Why couldnt i just have been loved by one person? Why did my family treat me so mean? Why did i have to hear that statement of walling in your own self pity ,,, ? Why of all places did i have to hear it here for? I did not need to hear that because so many times , those from church , the church that didnt love me told me those very words... So many times , then those online at the other forums would say the same thing then they go on to say i am seeking attention... those other forums said i was seeking attention.. God i am not seeking attention.. i just want to be accepted and loved just once, just one...

    I am hurting so much right now.. I cant stop this pain this time,, it is going too deep , just too deep.. I am just too dang weak to fight this anymore.. i am just too much of a cry baby.. that is what others see me as. i know they do.. they see me as a stupid cry baby who wants attention , who is walling in her own stupid self pity... well i am ending this pain. i can not and will not take this anymore..

    Forgive me God forgive me for doing this but i can not do it anymore.. i just can not... i am useless . i am worthless. i am not even worth anything to you either.. how can i be? how can i be worth anything?

    this pain inside is killing me. i can no longer stop it or the tears... i did not need to hear that tonight... i just did not need to hear it.... not after being hurt by my family... this is a day that they will not ever forget....

    i gave those around me time.. i gave them time to come around. to call , to visit , to say hi , i cant call them when i dont know where they are.. how can i make the first move when i have no clue as to where they are at? God if you dont want me to end it then give me a sign before it is to late.. Let me know i am loved , let me know that i am cared for... Time is fading away.. i can feel it now... i can feel the life leaving me .. God i just needed to know they cared.. but i am alone. i am alone and will die alone... They didnt care. i was so stupid to believe it all. They never called cause they didnt care.

    wonder , will they come to my funeral??
     
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Where god when you need him most?, is all I can say.
    But anyway, dont blame yourself. its not ur fault im sure you dont always screw things up, we all do that sometimes. You havent driven anyone to hate you. People think for them selves, you need to stop blaming yourself.

    I dont think your attention seeking. People only accuse you of that if they have NO idea how you feel. those people dont understand, they havent been there. You're screaming out for help not screaming for attention.
     
  3. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Be strong. People do care about you, no matter what you think. However hopeless the situation seems... our emotions have a tendancy to cloud over our minds, to confuse and destroy us. It's not worth giving in to... Damn, I know how it feels. Sometimes it just feels great to let go and let everything carry away, we have no control left, nothing left, and just keep going, keep hurting... It's not worth it. Seriously, seriously, it's not worth it.

    Every person has a responsibility for themself. You HAVE to keep true to yourself; keep living, keep fighting. No matter how bleak life is... don't give up.

    Be a little more open, okay? Acting upon what you want will help you get it - sitting around and waiting won't usually achieve. Waiting is relying on others, if you do, what you want, it'll happen.

    Go for it, alright? You have the potential... and you have love. Just believe, keep trying... I promise, you will get... whatever it is you wanted. Just stay, there's always people here, who care about you.

    Good luck, and best wishes to you.

    (Check my sig :laugh:)
     
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hun I'm sorry you feel this way. I just pray that you don't hurt yourself and that life can get a bit more barable. I'm sorry sorry life has to be so hard for you. You are a very sweet person, who doesn't deserve the pain you are in. I am so ingulfed in my own problems I'm afraid I have no word of wisdom, I wish I did. But please know if you need to vent or talk you are welcome to do it here and I'm here ANYTIME you need me. :hug:
     
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone...

    i was just so upset when i wrote that and the stupid tears would not stop...

    i almost took my life when i wrote that.. but my neices came over to play on my computer and i was knocked out of taking my life.. but i came pretty damn close.. i still got everything i need to do it with.. my plan , my date , the place , the stuff .

    Just two more days.. JUST 2 DAYS TO GO

    then i will go to my place of aloneness and do it.... No one will find me in time.. that is the whole point and key.. is that no one knows the place...

    i feel i have to do this.. it is the only way...
     
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It is unfair not to give your family the opportunity to show you the love they have for you. Situations like these put things into perspective for people and their true feelings are allowed to surface. You need to tell them about your sickness, about your depression and give them a chance to redeem themselves to you. You have nothing to lose in doing this.

    You need to start doing things to improve the things you CAN control. You say you have no contact info for your family? Why is that? Get the contact information, reach out to them. I know you are hurting and in a lot of pain, so it seems they are just being cruel. But maybe all they need is for you to open up to them, to reach out to them and give them another chance.

    Also, you should join a Cancer support group and talk to others who are going through the same thing. Blocking yourself off from the world is NOT going to make you a happier person. Do what you can do and leave the rest to God. :hug:
     
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I hope your not planning on going through with it again. Your a nice and likeable person and i'm sure your loved. It's not worth it.

    Try talking to your family, and reaching out to them. I hope it all works out for you.