Can't do this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadcat, Dec 28, 2012.

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  1. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Its been 5 years of pain and giving up everything that ever meant anything to me. I have fought to stay alive. I am in pain all the time. i have pain almost everywhere. My heart was completely destroyed 5 years ago. But I have fought and scratched to stay alive. I sleep in a breathing assist mask that presurizes my breathing. I wear splints on my arms and wrists. I wear a hat to sleep to stop the migraine headaches. I canot eat anything with sodium. My liquids are limited. I have diverticulitis and cannot eat corn, nuts or anything with seeds. And I adhere to the paleo diet restricting dairy, pasta, pizza, breads, beans, cereals and even regular potatos. For a while i just gave up on eating entirely because there is so little left to eat.

    I can't do this anymore. I want to die. I neeed to stop this. It is not worth living. Whats the point anymore- There is nothing left.

    Today I reached a new level in pain - level 10 pain - that's 10 out of 10 - -but I have pain in 6 different places and each of those locations was pain at level 10 pain. That is screaming pain where you cannot function at all. Where the pain blocks out every thought you can muster. Where you cannot do anything or think straight.

    I have fought so hard to stay alive. And I have helped hundreds of people to cope with their problems. I even applied to enter the clergy for my spiritual path. But, I cannot do this any more. I know that all of these challenges that I am facing are a gift from God, and that they will teach me Love - universal Love. But it is not enough any more. i don't care anymore.

    I fought so hard my heart has healed - and it was impossible. And so hard that I beat off asthma, copd, and bronchitis - also impossible. And the asthma has returned again. But I have been still fighting it. But now I don't care anymore.

    I have lost 25 pounds this year - probably half of it is bone - I am losing from osteoporosis .

    And I am terribly emotional and suicidal from the cancer medications I take, and have taken for the last 5 years too. Did not even know they were making me suicidal until recently. The damned doctors did not even tell me about that little ditty. I have already tried 20 times to kill myself. But the damned doctors did not think it was important enough to mention to me. Just like the doctors did not tell me for a year that they expected me to die. Who the hell do they think they are to not tell me about that. Bastards! And they think that I should trust them - ha ha - that is a joke !

    I just can't do this anymore. I want to die. Now! It is not worth living any more. I don't care any more. My cancer is not treatable, except for pain symptoms (maybe) . So why go to see a damned oncologist. Whats the point. Another day, another week - who cares. Pain everwhere, cramps all over . Cannot even make a fist any more .

    I want to die.

    Let me die !

    SadCat
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you asked for palative care?
    Then all of the doctor's concern would be with treating the pain rather than the illness.
    It does mean that the disease will eventually win, but at least your pain would be controlled. :hug:
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hugs to you YOur doctor should be referring you to a pain specialist a palliative care specialist to help you not be in pain You should not be suffering dam them
    Ask your doctor ok to be referred to one hugs to you hun
     
  4. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    cant ask docrtor - i fired him for not helping me with the pain.
    he has not helped me at all.
    he's a bastard.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Who is treating your cancer hun you can still ask for a referal ok it doesn't matter if you fired doctor or not he or she can still refer you to a palliative care specialist hugs
     
  6. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Dear sadcat. I am extremely sorry that you have to suffer so much.I enjoyed our rant recently so much,you are a lovely person ,very astute and inspiring and it is not fair what happens to you.
    I can understand your desire to die. But maybe a hospice where your pain is taken care of and you can spend time free of this agony might be a possibilty.
    <edit moderator total eclipse>
    I totally agree that life under such circumstances is not worth living,but with all the modern advances in medicine pain should be manageable.
    I have come across bastard doctors like yours .My grandmother and grandfather both suffered from these idiots ,who did not prescribe enough morphine because it
    makes you dependent....and another one blabbered along about " God will take care of the pain". Idiots and Charlatans .
    You need to take action to get into better care.
    I think of you and hope that you can achieve a better situation. Hugs from old Mozart.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2012
  7. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    thank you all for your kind comments.

    i do not seek pallitive. I would rather fight and hurt.

    i still have other doctors who do help me with pain meds so far.

    sometimes the pain gets to be too much for me.

    but i will not give up (when able to reason it out).
    and for the most part - i am able to fight off the bad pain- but not always.

    hugs - sad
     
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