I can't do this anymore. I've tried beating social anxiety and depression but I'm no match. I've been suicidal for a few years, always delaying it, always clinging onto something, as one last desperate attempt to keep going, but I can't do it anymore. And I don't even want to, because all this time that I've been trying to find some hope, all that happened was things got even worse, so there's not even a point. I'm 20 and in college. There are very few things that can bring me any enjoyment and they're not particularly productive, so what awaits me if I live is, in the absolute best case, years of years of slaving away at a job I'll hate more than anything. I say absolute best case because honestly I can't even finish college, and work sounds even worse. I'm on the third semester and I'm about to fail every class on it, mostly because of social anxiety preventing me from even showing up to most of them. But my family doesn't even know. I've been living a lie, it will fall apart soon and I'm thinking maybe I should just be gone before that happens, seems like good timing to me. However things have been rough for my family lately. My father died last week. I really hate the thought of what it would be like for my mother to find me dead, I really do, specially so soon after my father's death. It's one of the only things still holding me back and making me doubtful, even though she makes everything worse and I feel like I shouldn't care as much as I do. Lately, every night has consisted of me crying myself to sleep thinking of whether I should do it and get it over with or call the police and tell them that I'm suicidal. But I always decide that I should get it over with, because I'm terrified of what could happen to me. I'm scared of the whole mental healthcare stuff. I'm afraid of having my freedom taken away and having to do things against my will and stuff like that. But basically, I keep having these doubts and it feels like I'm losing my mind. I can't talk to my family about it. I've tried talking about needing help a couple of years ago, and it went really bad. And it took me several years to find the courage to try it. Now I can't get myself to do it again. I have no friends in real life, and like 2 online. Everyone leaves me behind. My mother is one of the only people who would even actually miss me. I don't really have anything to look forward to. I'm a pathetic outcast and don't belong anywhere, I should not be alive, I really shouldn't.