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Can't do this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fallen_Angel, Nov 3, 2015.

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  1. Fallen_Angel

    Fallen_Angel New Member

    I can't do this anymore. I've tried beating social anxiety and depression but I'm no match. I've been suicidal for a few years, always delaying it, always clinging onto something, as one last desperate attempt to keep going, but I can't do it anymore. And I don't even want to, because all this time that I've been trying to find some hope, all that happened was things got even worse, so there's not even a point.

    I'm 20 and in college. There are very few things that can bring me any enjoyment and they're not particularly productive, so what awaits me if I live is, in the absolute best case, years of years of slaving away at a job I'll hate more than anything. I say absolute best case because honestly I can't even finish college, and work sounds even worse. I'm on the third semester and I'm about to fail every class on it, mostly because of social anxiety preventing me from even showing up to most of them. But my family doesn't even know. I've been living a lie, it will fall apart soon and I'm thinking maybe I should just be gone before that happens, seems like good timing to me.

    However things have been rough for my family lately. My father died last week. I really hate the thought of what it would be like for my mother to find me dead, I really do, specially so soon after my father's death. It's one of the only things still holding me back and making me doubtful, even though she makes everything worse and I feel like I shouldn't care as much as I do.

    Lately, every night has consisted of me crying myself to sleep thinking of whether I should do it and get it over with or call the police and tell them that I'm suicidal. But I always decide that I should get it over with, because I'm terrified of what could happen to me. I'm scared of the whole mental healthcare stuff. I'm afraid of having my freedom taken away and having to do things against my will and stuff like that. But basically, I keep having these doubts and it feels like I'm losing my mind.

    I can't talk to my family about it. I've tried talking about needing help a couple of years ago, and it went really bad. And it took me several years to find the courage to try it. Now I can't get myself to do it again.

    I have no friends in real life, and like 2 online. Everyone leaves me behind. My mother is one of the only people who would even actually miss me. I don't really have anything to look forward to. I'm a pathetic outcast and don't belong anywhere, I should not be alive, I really shouldn't.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Fallen Angel, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I'm also a college student and I know that my school offers online classes. Have you tried exploring your college's counseling/health services? Hugs.
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Angel, I am sorry that your life is not going well, I too have been where you are! I know what you are feeling and going through! I wasn't in College I was in High School! I have been dealing with depression for a long time, It does not mean you can't have a life, I did not see a doctor until I was 30 and tried again! I spent 7 Weeks in a hospital, I was on medication for a total of 10 years . I stopped taking it because then I was doing well, You can have a life but you should see a Dr and possibly a therapist as well if needed. you don't need to have your freedom taken away the police will probably only take you to a Dr to have an evaluation done! no one has to lock you up, those days are pretty much over! Most of the people here have suffered much like you are now, talk to us here see what they have been through or what they are going through now! Please Talk to others in here they will tell you! Please Don't harm yourself, life is not over because you a ill, you can probably talk to you school counselors they can get you a break to have time off of school so you won't lose you credits, and have to do everything over again. Talk to someone they could probably get you some help there! Please give yourself a little time, if you have just lost your dad too, that is having a big impact on how you feel and react to your surroundings
    Angel we will help here as much as we can we will be here to talk to to try and help you work things out and make a plan to continue! You might even find friends in here, Please give us a chance to try and help you see that there is a life Still. we are here 24/7 someone is always here! please do not give up on yourself yet!
  4. happytotalk

    happytotalk Member

    Hi Fallen_Angel. My name is Rebecca I've just joined this forum - sorry for the late reply. Firstly I just want to say I'm so very sorry about your dad. I'm not going to say I know how you feel, because only those who have had the exact same thing happen to them can. I can only try to imagine, and even then I'm probably no where close.

    What I can say for sure is, you are human. Which means you DO belong here. You DO matter. And you ARE loved.

    Even though you are scared to do this, the most important thing is to TALK. Keeping this bottled up inside from the ones you love is a very dangerous thing and there will never be a right time to talk about it. Someone I care about deeply who suffers from severe depression couldn't talk to their family because they knew they wouldn't understand. So they decided to go to a therapist and organised for the therapist to speak to their family with them. That way you have someone professional by your side to back you up and to help you describe what you are going through - it's very hard to try to do this alone. A therapist will most likely also be able to help your mum and what she is going through as well. I just wondered if you think that's a decent idea?

    Remember what you are going through isn't a choice. You didn't decide to be depressed or suicidal just like you can't decide to be happy and dandy with the click of a finger. It doesn't work like that does it and that's what other people find very hard to understand, but that's not there fault as they can't know until you talk about it with them - it might take time to get through to your mum, but never give up with this. Please talk, it's so important.

    The fact that you have reached out on here means there is a glimmer of hope in you deep down that wants to be alive. It may be small, but it is very strong. You know you need help, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. I hope you're proud of this, because I think it's a pretty special step you've just taken :)

    Have you heard of MayTree? I'm not sure what country you are based in, but MayTree is a sanctuary in the UK that offers a mini break for anyone who is having suicidal thoughts or who has attempted suicide. It's not a medical place or a place of mental health psychiatric treatment, it's a retreat where you are free to leave at any point you wish. It's a place where you can talk about what you a feeling like without being judged and without the taboo or stigma of the word 'suicide'. Please have a quick look at this link: http://www.maytree.org.uk/ it's a wonderful place with absolutely no pressure one way or the other. And you don't have to tell anyone you're there if you don't want to.

    Always always remember that you are very much loved and even though it's impossible to see right now. Life DOES change and things DO get better, sometimes it can change very quickly and sometimes it can take a bit longer but it's always worth it. The good out-ways the bad in the end and you've got to fight for that. Cling on to that glimmer of hope you have. Carry around a book with peoples phone numbers in it who you can call whenever you have a suicidal thought come to you, it doesn't have to be family or friends if you don't feel comfortable with that. MIND, MayTree and Samaritans all have helplines with people on the other end of the phone's who won't judge you and who will be there for you.

    Everyone is fighting their own battles, you are not alone in this I promise. People who go through such severe depression are the strongest people I know. It won't be like this forever and there IS a light at the end of this dark tunnel you are in.

    How are you feeling today? I'd like to know - if you're happy to keep me in the loop. I really don't mind if not, as long as you know even though I'm a complete stranger to you I very much want to listen to what you have to say, and I'll always be happy to talk if you want to.

    All the best and thinking of you,
    Rebecca :) xxx
  5. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the post by Happytotalk, that was a very kind and sincere statement.
    Fallen_Angel, I can relate entirely to your situation. However, I would say that it seems to me that you're feeling powerless and helpless if I'm not mistaken?
    What are you studying in school? What is your major? Because if you don't like what you are studying, then it's probably because it's not a compatible job for you. Luckily in America, Canada, and most of Europe, jobs in the creative sectors are opening up like crazy. So, maybe if you're studying to be a financial counselor, maybe something more along the lines of art, film or music might be more rewarding.
    I can't give myself the authority to tell you how to live your life, but I do think that your life is worth living. Perhaps you just need a little perspective?
    I know that with my situation being similar, it's much needed, most days, to stop and think about my life in perspective. I try to imagine the lives of all the people on my street. And I do it from a completely logical standpoint. No emotional biases, I just look at their daily ritual. Do they wake up at 6:00 or 8:00? Do they work or go to school? What sort of challenges do they probably face? Do they have poor grades, high expectations from a parent or spouse, are they feeling lonely too? Then my world doesn't seem so closed off. I have access to empathy, and feeling for another human being. And empathy, sweetie, is going to be your escape rope. At least, it has been for me.
    I like to try to overcome my depression and suicidal thoughts with goodness and service. I like to make sure that I don't just say nice things to people, but I go out, and socialize, and try to be helpful. Now, that's not always possible, because sometimes you may live in like the south pole, or may be paraplegic or something. But in whatever capacity you can manage, try to help others. They'll appreciate and come to depend on you, which is the seed of true happiness.
    And I sincerely believe that the people here that have offered to talk to you and listen to what you have to say are being honest. You seem like a good person going through a difficult time, as we all do. Don't give up, at least, not yet.
    What kind of hobbies do you have? Do you collect anything, do you watch movies, do you read books, are you maybe even a gamer?
  6. Fallen_Angel

    Fallen_Angel New Member

    Thanks for all the replies, everyone!

    I guess I should have mentioned it on the first post but I actually hated my dad and "losing" him doesn't make me sad at all. I even see it as a good thing because, long story short, he had this incurable illness which only got worse, and by that time it was really bad and my mom couldn't even help him that much anymore even though she tried her best, and it was taking its toll on her too, so, yeah, It was probably better for both of them.

    A lot of people bring up school and college counselors but unfortunately that's not really a thing in my country. I have thought of trying to get a therapist to explain it to her, and I like the idea, but aside from the fact that I can't even really see a therapist without her knowing about it, there's also the fact that we can't afford a good one anyway. I've actually already tried what was available for free, and I'm never doing that again, it was 100% useless and not even remoteloy worth the stress. Same with the hotlines, I've tried emailing them but they basically just repeat what you said. Like, this is the reply they would give me if I sent them my original post: "I see that you're suicidal. You struggle with social anxiety and think you can't handle it. You are not satisfied with college and wish you could do better at it. Sounds like you've also been feeling confused, wondering if you should kill yourself or call for emergency help. Thank you for contacting us. If you need anything, feel free to send us another message". Maytree sounds great, I'm not european but I'm glad to know a place like that exists!

    I know that there are people who love me, and all this time it's been the main thing keeping me here, but by now I find that it's just not enough to live only for others whlie I feel like this. Honestly it's the worst part of it all. I often wish that literally no one loved me so that I could end it with no guilt in my mind for causing them pain.

    As for what I'm studying it's basically computer science. It really seems like the best choice but that "best" is more like "least worse". I hear contradicting things about how it's such a great field and how it's so awful. Your last guess is right, by the way, I'm a gamer. Video games are one of the only things I can say I really actually enjoy, even if my taste in them is very restricted, just like with everything else.

    With helping people, well, I often do want to help people out and can't get myself to because of the social anxiety overwhelming me. It may sound ridiculous but I swear just approaching anyone or even just saying "hello" or "good morning" or anything can feel like a monumental challenge. But whenever I notice I can actually do something, whether it's just complimenting someone or leaving something for the homeless or whatever, I usually do it.

    Sorry if I've missed anything, I wrote a part of this yesterday and the rest now, so. Thanks again!
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